The Fall of Broadcast Television 2014: FOX

(With no further delay...)

Good Thursday to you, dear reader!

Welcome to the belated day 2 of my annual-ish look at the broadcast network upfronts.

I hope you enjoyed my surprisingly minimalist look at the even more surprisingly top-seeded network, NBC...but now it's time to get serious.

I'll be honest. This is the entry I've been dreading the most. There's a pretty big elephant in the room, and I'm about to blow some minds by pumping it full of lead. (Apologies for the graphic imagery, PETA; but to be fair, you're a terrorist organization.)

Let's just rip this Band-Aid off and get started with my look at the new fall offerings from the FOX Network.

(NOTE: New shows are listed in ALL CAPS; schedule changes are indicated by italics.)

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MONDAY

8-9pm - GOTHAM

9-10pm - Sleepy Hollow

GOTHAM: (Sorry, Dumbo. Here's where you get it between the eyes.) I have never preemptively hated a TV show and its fanbase more than I do that of Gotham. I know that's going to surprise a lot of people, given my well-known love of all things comic book...but I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. This looks AWFUL, and I can't believe any self-respecting Batman fan (let alone the vocal millions) is on board for it. Now, I'm not traditionally one to take issue with creative license as it pertains to adaptations or interpretations, but this is already overstuffed with terrible ideas and plot points that fundamentally alter--nay, negate--key points of the entire Batman mythos. For one, I have no interest in seeing any of the Dark Knight's rogues gallery of villains before he's even put on the cowl. He doesn't exist because of them; THEY exist because of HIM. On a similar tip, one of the most important facets of the Caped Crusader's origins (and one that even Tim Burton got incredibly wrong in his original Batman film) is that the person who murders Thomas and Martha Wayne is just a common street thug who catches them in the wrong place at the wrong time. Here, we get a balaclava-adorned hitman-type, who clearly walks into Crime Alley with the express intent of offing the parents Wayne. Then to add insult to injury, we have young Detective Jim Gordon (Ben MacKenzie, who--despite all I'm saying--I think is perfectly cast) vowing to the newly orphaned Bruce that he'll find the man who killed his parents...and if he does, then why would Bruce ever feel the need to take to the streets and be the hero Gotham deserves?--Vengeance taken. Story over...and that's without even watching the trailer. (I mean, I have watched the trailer...but you get what I mean.) It seems that Batman as a concept has now taken on the kind of blind infallibility for my fellow nerds that zombies have; i.e. if it has Batman/zombies in it, it's automatically good and no one is allowed to say otherwise...even if the thing in question is terrible. (Looking at you, World War Z.) I think my feelings are clear.

MY VERDICT: NO. THANK YOU. (Full disclosure: I'll probably watch the pilot on Hulu out of my sense of nerdly duty and I'm willing to be surprised into liking this...but the outlook isn't good.) Now get off my back, everyone.

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TUESDAY

8-9pm - UTOPIA

9-9:30pm - New Girl

9:30-10pm - The Mindy Project

UTOPIA: I have to be honest. I pretty much went ahead and wrote this show off based entirely on the fact that it's a reality series...then I watched the trailer...and it gave me so many reasons that I was right to. As a concept, I can see the appeal; but knowing what sells in this genre (trashiness, inhuman behavior, drama for the sake of drama, etc.), I know it won't be as substantial or important as this trailer tries to suggest. Moreover, I'm a bit stunned to see a network make such a commitment (52 straight weeks, with a 24/7 online component) to a genre in which most of America has long ago lost interest. If this were on Discovery and weren't as sensationalized or self-important, I could see this working; but this is network television, where holding onto the more and more fleeting attention spans of the 18-34 demographic is key...and this probably won't do it.
MY VERDICT: In general, I just don't watch shows like this, so I'm already out. Not even the promise of attractive women in puffy coats is enough to catch my fancy.

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WEDNESDAY

8-9pm - Hell's Kitchen

9-10pm - RED BAND SOCIETY

[NOTE: For some reason, FOX hasn't released a trailer for Red Band Society; which is apparently NOT about a group of people who come together to watch uncensored movie trailers, but rather a group of teens who meet while in a hospital's pediatric care ward and then go out into the world and have...teen drama shenanigans. Oscar-winner Octavia Spencer stars as the nurse in charge. So, yeah. That's a show.]

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THURSDAY

8-9pm - Bones

9-10pm - GRACEPOINT

GRACEPOINT: I never got the chance to watch the British series (Broadchurch) that inspired this series. (Thanks, BBC America and your refusal to embrace online streaming.) I know many who have though and it sounds quite grim; which is not all that unexpected, coming from the mind of former Torchwood writer Chris Chibnall. I'm sure many of you are expecting me to have a fangirl fit over the presence of the Tenth Doctor himself David Tennant (reprising his role from the aforementioned Broadchurch), with his American accent (which has improved tremendously since his first attempt at a U.S. series, the ill-fated Rex is Not Your Laywer) that makes him sound like Griffin Dunne in the early '90s. While I'm always glad to see him, I can't in good conscience really SQUEE over something this serious. Obviously, this looks terrific and it seems to have brought its full emotional load over the Atlantic. It is a bit bizarre to see how sunny so much of this looks compared to the perpetual dreary grayness of the original ('MERICA!), but yeah.

MY VERDICT: This certainly sounds like a better way to spend my 9:00 hour on a Thursday than the two NBC comedies I discussed yesterday; and it's only ten episodes, so I don't really have to fear for its success/failure in the ratings either. What can I say?--I'm in.

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FRIDAY

8-9pm - Masterchef Junior

9-10pm - UTOPIA

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SATURDAY

7-10:30pm - Fox Sports Saturday

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SUNDAY

7-7:30pm - NFL Post-Show

7:30-8pm - Bob's Burgers

8-8:30pm - The Simpsons

8:30-9pm - Brooklyn Nine-Nine

9-9:30pm - Family Guy

9:30-10pm - MULANEY

MULANEY: As a big fan of John Mulaney's stand-up, I'm heartbroken at how--at best--blah and--at worst--terrible this looks. Mulaney as a concept has been floating in network limbo for about two years now. It was originally intended as a single-camera series on NBC, which was not picked up; and then stayed shelved for about 18 months before FOX scooped it up and made it a multi-cam/studio audience show. Now I can't decide whether I would have preferred the single-cam version or to have just never seen this at all. Now, this is not to say that there isn't potential here. As I say, Mulaney is a funny guy who has proven his mettle as a television writer for a number of seasons at Saturday Night Live (where he was most notably co-responsible for Bill Hader's Stefon character); so this could very easily just be a case of shitty trailer/shitty pilot, and let's face it--that's happened with a lot of great shows. I'm also bolstered by the fact that--by all accounts--there will be no laugh track, but rather the natural sound of the studio audience. Its timeslot worries me a bit, though. In press releases, FOX officials have repeatedly invoked the names of their three most successful live-action comedies (Married...with Children, That '70s Show, Malcolm in the Middle) as series that flourished on Sunday nights; but they seem to have forgotten that all of those shows eventually moved to different nights and either died miserably or found better success. Not to mention that over the last decade, Sunday nights have been the death of countless sitcoms (The Winner, The Pitts, Unhitched, etc.) and have only proven a good home for FOX's signature slate of primetime animated series. I guess what I'm trying to say is... 

MY VERDICT: ...I'll watch it with cautious optimism. If it's better than it looks, great. If it survives its timeslot, even better...but I'm worried that one or both may not come true.

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MIDSEASON 

BACKSTROM: I love Rainn Wilson. Obviously, his Dwight Schrute on The Office is an iconic character; but I'm even more a fan of his lesser-seen works like the insanely underappreciated 2008 film The Rocker and James Gunn's fantastic Super. (Big love should also go to his sadly to-date lone stint as host of SNL in 2007; an episode I refuse to delete from my DVR. It's THAT good.) When I heard talk of a mystery series starring Wilson as a curmudgeonly detective, I was in sight unseen. Having now seen this trailer...I have concerns. When the idea of Backstrom first came about, I expected something a bit darker, a bit more serious. Basically, I wanted House solving crimes. This seems more closely-hewn to a USA Network procedural like Monk or one of my favorites Psych, and I don't know how I feel about it. Not to mention the presence of go-to show killer Kristoffer Polaha, seen here as a forensics specialist. Between that and it being held for midseason (which is always a bit of a crapshoot), I can't decide if I'm willing to roll the dice here...and yet...
MY VERDICT: ...of course, I'm going to watch this. I may have understated it, so let me make it clear; Rainn Wilson is one of my favorite humans ON THE PLANET; and there is of course always a fascination with what happens when an actor follows up on their most iconic role. Fingers crossed, this turns out better than post-Seinfeld Michael Richards (and I'm not even talking about the incident at the Laugh Factory).

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EMPIRE: I would honestly watch Terrence Howard read the phone book. The man is one of the most underrated actors of the last 20 years, and it's about time he came back to television. I was a bit taken aback by how much I liked the look of this. A soapy family drama about the record industry sounds more suited to VH1, but this looks to be avoiding the more trashy aspects of such a concept...which could unfortunately spell its doom. Let's face it; the tastes of the American television viewer are really suspect right now. The 18-34-year-old demo is more interested in vodka-soaked catfights and flabbergasting soundbites from uneducated attention whores; and while this series will probably provide a few fictional spots of both, I don't know if that will be enough to sustain a network television drama. I'm bolstered a bit by the two names at the top of this project: Lee Daniels who has already given the world two critically-acclaimed works in Precious and The Butler, and Danny Strong (yep, Jonathan himself) whose screenplays for the latter of those films AND beloved HBO docudramas like Recount and Game Change have won veritable swaths of awards.

MY VERDICT: I look forward to seeing this, but have a bad feeling it may get the burned-off midseason treatment FOX's Gang Related is (probably rightfully) getting right now. If it's as good as it looks that it might be, I hope some cable outlets are ready to scoop it up.

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HIEROGLYPH: God, I love ancient Egypt. In this time of period piece fantasies like Game of Thrones and Starz's Spartacus series, it's high-time this--one of the most fascinating periods in human history--gets its due. Unfortunately, this show's got two very big things going against it; (1) it's a midseason series on a broadcast network (even worse, it's FOX) and (2) it comes to us from the writer of quite possibly the worst film I've ever seen (and to date, the only movie I've ever walked out of) Pacific Rim. When you've got a double-barreled shotgun blast of awful like that aimed at you, it's hard to muster much excitement or confidence. Really, at this point it's all about when FOX puts this on the air, and how well they promote it. After the surprising (and well-deserved) success of Sleepy Hollow though, this could have a chance. The supernatural sells like hot-cakes right now; and I don't know about you, but I want to know what's on that scroll.

MY VERDICT: I'm cautiously intrigued.

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WAYWARD PINES: The good news?--This series that's been on its way so long it actually made it into LAST YEAR'S upfronts looks awesome (despite M. Night Shyamalan's name being attached, which I'm a bit stunned they're actually using to promote it). The bad news?--After reports that it was scheduled to start airing this July, it's now been revealed we won't be seeing it until Winter 2015. I get the feeling it'll be worth the wait though (and hey!--It's Terrence Howard again!). This looks as fucked-up as everyone's overstated comparisons to David Lynch's Twin Peaks suggested it would be...and this pleases me. Not only that, this may be the best-appointed cast I've seen for the new season yet. Matt Dillon seems perfectly-grizzled. Carla Gugino, as ever, makes a great tragic beauty. The aforementioned Howard: SOLD. Crazy-ass Melissa Leo playing another crazy-ass character?--Of course. Juliette Lewis...hey, she's in this! (I kid. I actually like her quite a bit, but she seems like the one outlier.) Moreover, I'm liking the fact that an American network finally seems to be adopting the limited-series style that has served British television so well since...like, forever. In short, folks...

MY VERDICT: ...I can't wait. No matter what happens, we're getting ten episodes of batshit insanity, and I dig it. 2015 can't get here soon enough.

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THE LAST MAN ON EARTH: Whoa. If this never even makes it to air, this trailer should win a short film award somewhere at the very least. What a fantastic surprise this was! Originality is a dying thing, but I can safely say I've never seen anything like this. It's ballsy (especially for FOX; let alone any network), it's intriguing, it's funny and it's got Will Forte. I don't think this needs much more verbiage.

MY VERDICT: We have an official frontrunner for the most interesting new series on network television. Can't wait to see this, and I hope America and FOX have the patience to see where it goes.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

There's a reason this is a day late, and it's called Gotham.

My dread for that show is so intense, I needed a 24-hour break after letting out so much well-deserved venom...and that's the last I'm going to talk about it; because (and even FOX doesn't seem to notice this) there are other new shows on this network.

In comedy, we have Mulaney and (fingers crossed, sooner rather than later) The Last Man on Earth. The former worries me deeply, while the latter has me fascinated in a way I haven't been since NBC's Awake trailer three years ago. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really wish they would swap places right now. 

In drama, there's a lot happening...however--much as in comedy--the most interesting new series are being held for midseason. Nothing against Gracepoint which looks like it could pretty much do no wrong, but with shows like...well, every other drama I've just covered waiting in the wings, this has turned into a bit of a waiting game (and I'm not even talking about Wayward Pines, which is literally coming slower than TWO Christmases). Backstrom could be fun, Empire a nighttime soap in the tradition of Dallas, and Hieroglyph reminds me of the wacky genre shows that were a staple of this network throughout the '90s. (It's even got Sliders' John Rhys-Davies, for God's sake.) 

All in all, it looks like FOX is the frontrunner for the most intriguing new slate of series this year...

...but could another network dethrone it?!--Find out tomorrow, as I take on the latest additions to the primetime schedule over at ABC!

Until next time, here's Patton Oswalt to better explain my disdain for Gotham.

The Fall of Broadcast Television 2012: FOX

Welcome back to "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms", folks.

Well, I think I've sufficiently recovered from the horrors of NBC's new fall line-up and with that out of the way, the rest of my 2012 Network Coverage should go much faster and smoother. (Kind of like...[insert your own punchline].)

Today, I move on to the 2012-2013 offerings from the one-time target of countless meta jokes on The Simpsons to presently America's #3 (or #2, on occasion; not a poop joke, unless you want it to be) network, FOX.

As always, new series are denoted by ALL CAPS, and schedule changes for returning series are indicated with italics. Let's dance, Murdoch.

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MONDAY

8-9pm - Bones

9-10pm - THE MOB DOCTOR

THE MOB DOCTOR:  Already, I'm feeling better about FOX than I did about NBC.  (You'd pretty much have to.)  However, the thing is...I've never really had any interest in medical dramas.  This is no slight to this show which looks competent and compelling, but I just never got into them.  I backhandedly watched the first few seasons of ER with my mother back in the day, but eventually, I found my own things to do on a Thursday night at 10, and it didn't matter anymore.  (That being said, the second season episode entitled "Hell or High Water" remains one of the finest hours of television drama I've ever seen.)  So, for the purposes of thoroughness and in the interest of those of you who are intrigued, let me say that I like the cast.  Jordana Spiro.  You can't see it, but I'm swooning.  William Forsythe has proven time and time again that he's one of our finest television character actors (and, not to be a spoiler but, if he isn't Spiro's character's father, I'll eat my hat).  I'm always glad to see Michael Rappaport (uncredited here) in dramatic roles.  He's a great comedian and comedic actor, but his thick accent and urban aura lend SO WELL to playing gruff characters and, as we see here, inscrutable heavies.  I like the premise, as well.  While I'm sure it'll be more of a medical procedural than this trailer lets on, the fact that the dangers of our heroine's ties to the Chicago mob are always waiting in the wings will surely provide some great tension.  In short...
MY VERDICT: ...it's not necessarily for me, but I think people will enjoy it, and for good reason.  I won't deny that its timeslot is a bit concerning.  (CBS owns Monday nights from 9-10.  Sad fact, but a fact nonetheless.)  However, with the right promotion--and FOX has probably the best marketing department of the five networks--this could be a sleeper hit.  Good luck, PJ.

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TUESDAY

8-8:30pm - Raising Hope

8:30-9pm - BEN AND KATE

9-9:30pm - New Girl

9:30-10pm - THE MINDY PROJECT

BEN AND KATE: So...yeah...remember that thing I said up there about FOX having quite possibly the best marketing department of the big five networks?--I may need to take that back, because they just showed us THE ENTIRE PILOT of Ben and Kate.  That being said...that was RIDICULOUSLY charming.  Going on the vague inklings of the premise I'd heard about in weeks prior, I pretty handily dismissed this show as something wildly generic and easily cancelable.  Now, I kind of can't wait to see what wacky shenanigans these characters get into next.  I'm a sucker for a story about families sticking together, and this is no exception.  Also, glad to finally put a face (that being the face of a person I'd spent the past few years referring to as "the poor man's Owen Wilson") to the name Nat Faxon (Ben); fresh off his Academy Award for co-writing The Descendants.  Toss in some genuine laughs throughout and Lucy Punch (who I've been actively swooning over for about a year now) as Kate's British bartender friend (the three straws almost slayed me), and I'm...oop, hold on.
MY VERDICT: I'm SO in.  FOX is really stepping up the plate with great comedies lately, and this seems to follow that trend.  Thus far, I have nothing pressing to watch on Tuesday nights at 8:30, so this should be a great lead-in to--one of my favorites--New Girl.

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THE MINDY PROJECT: Gee...can you tell The Office is about to end?  (Done with the snark.)  Allow me to double down on my noting FOX's slate of great new comedies.  We all already know Mindy Kaling writes some funny, funny television...now we know she can carry a show, as well.  I'm officially in love with FOX's Tuesday night line-up (the overrated Raising Hope notwithstanding).  Not only are they giving us 3 great comedies in a row, but they're all led by strong female characters.  That none of the other networks are even coming close to this is archaic and honestly, kind of offensive.  ...I really have nothing further to say.  The show speaks for itself.  As for me...
MY VERDICT:  ...again...SO in.  I love television (obviously).  However, I REALLY love television when it can give me something to look forward to every day of the week.  USA's got me covered for Mondays.  Now, with this, New Girl, and Ben and Kate, I feel secure knowing I've got a full Tuesday night of laughs coming my way.  In short, Jeff is happy.  Well done, FOX.

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WEDNESDAY

(Fall)

8-10pm - The X Factor

(Spring)

8-10pm - American Idol

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THURSDAY

(Fall)

8-9pm - The X Factor Results Show

9-10pm - Glee

(Spring)

8-9pm - American Idol Results Show

9-10pm - Glee

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FRIDAY

8-9pm - Touch

9-10pm - Fringe

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SATURDAY

7-10:30pm - FOX Sports Saturday

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SUNDAY

7:30-8pm - The Cleveland Show

8-8:30pm - The Simpsons

8:30-9pm - Bob's Burgers

9-9:30pm - Family Guy

9:30-10pm - American Dad!

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MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD)

THE FOLLOWING: (Again.  Another condensed pilot.  Jeesh.)  This looks slightly less involving than it was originally pitched to me.  When word of this series was first making the rounds, it was described as an interactive series in which our killer (played by the ever-underrated James Purefoy) would recruit viewers to be his "disciples" (sans the actual killing) in an unheardof ongoing, series-long viral campaign.  Now, that's been scrapped and we have this.  That's not to say it doesn't have a lot going for it.  This comes to us from Kevin Williamson who, for better or worse, has given us a lot of varyingly enjoyable works over the last 20 years (the Scream franchise, Dawson's Creek, The Vampire Diaries, etc.) and it's intriguing to see him mature, in a way.  Indeed, it's also worth some attention for being Kevin Bacon's first stab at full-time television work.  ("He's a big star.  He has a game named after him." -- Jerry O'Connell on an episode of Doug Loves Movies)  So, if for nothing else, for giving us a few more degrees for our games...
MY VERDICT: ...I might watch this.  I don't know why, but I just can't commit to anything more solid than a "might".  It's starting to become abundantly clear that I have somewhat specific tastes in television, and clearly, that doesn't include procedurals of any kind.  However, if this delivers on the promise of a wide, overarching story...things could change.  Although...one last thing...if the placement of the VERY jarring last line of this trailer is meant to imply that's the killer's motivation for ALL of his crimes...they may have just lost me.  Am I alone on that one?

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THE GOODWIN GAMES: Well, I guess there had to be one out-and-out dud in there, didn't there?  There are countless reasons why this won't work; I suppose I'll start with the most obvious.  There is ZERO flexibility to this premise, which isn't surprising when we're told this comes to us from the creators of How I Met Your Mother.  HIMYM--with all due respect--has already stretched its own premise pretty damned thin, but in its defense, it's all leading to a single, definitive answer.  This however...I mean, what are we going to do?  Are these people going to play futile game after futile game each week in pursuit of their inheritances?  Why should we care?  It's not that I don't think there won't be laughs to be had.  (HIMYM has proven itself a humorous affair many times over.)  It's just that I don't see how this goes any longer than a single season.  It breaks my heart to see creative minds pigeonhole themselves, and that's exactly what's happened here.
MY VERDICT: I won't seek this out, but I'm sure it'll end up on Tuesday nights with the rest of FOX's live-action comedies, so I'll likely see the pilot.  If nothing else, I'll get to swoon over Becki Newton for 22 minutes, but barring a huge miracle, I doubt I--or the rest of America--will bother investing themselves too deeply in this...but I've been proven wrong before.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

Take note, NBC.  THAT is how you program a network.

Let's get right to it.

COMEDY!  Of the actual Fall offerings, FOX has scored big time.  Twenty--hell, even ten--years ago, would any of us have ever believed the network that brought us that ever-so-long list of cancelled attempts at quality television would currently be trouncing the home of Seinfeld, Friends and Cheers?  There's nothing more to say than "WELL DONE, FOX."

On the DRAMA side...well, all we've got in the fall is The Mob Doctor.  As I've said, the timeslot is worrisome, but the show looks solid. Again, "WELL DONE, FOX."

Seriously.  I have no complaints.  You'd think me disappointed, not being able to expand upon things further, but after the horrors that were NBC's fall line-up, I'll take impressed silence with a smile.

...and that'll do it for FOX.  Join me next time for a look at what the Walt Disney corporation is worth our eyes when I take a look at ABC.

Until then...great story. Compelling and rich.

...MEEP MEEP!

Pilot Inspektor: "New Girl"/"Ringer" UPDATE

Hello, sailors!

Welcome once again to "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms". We're one day into the most pilot-heavy week of the Fall season and currently 0-2 this week for new, high-quality programming. 2 Broke Girls infuriated me so much I couldn't even review it. The Playboy Club just...didn't work.

So, the question is...can FOX's new Tuesday night comedy New Girl break the streak? Let us find out together.

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THE GIST OF IT

Twenty-something Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel) comes home--wearing a trenchcoat...and nothing else--to surprise her boyfriend, only to discover him emerging from their bedroom with another woman. Heartbroken, she spends the next few weeks seeking new lodgings and eventually takes up residence as the fourth in an apartment of three guys: corporate frat-boy wannabe Schmidt (Max Greenfield, probably best known as Leo D'Amato on Veronica Mars), overly-masculine Coach (Damon Wayans, Jr. of ABC's inexplicably-renewed Happy Endings, which--SPOILER ALERT--is why he's gone after the pilot), and recently-dumped bartender Nick (Jake Johnson).

Quickly growing tired of Jess' all-day crying jags and Dirty Dancing marathons, the boys decide to help her find a quick rebound and get back on her feet. With the help of Jess' best friend CeCe (former Canadian MTV VJ Hannah Simone), they send her off on a date with one of Schmidt's rivals from work and head off for a wild west-themed party downtown. After Jess' date stands her up, the boys ditch the party and rush to her side and save the night with a hilariously mumbly rendition of "(I've Had) The Time of My Life".

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MOVING FORWARD

You know, after a week of doing this, I still haven't figured out how to make this section work for comedies.

To date, all we know of future episodes are that--as I mentioned above--Damon Wayans, Jr.'s Coach is out and former BET personality Lamorne Morris' Winston is in starting next week. Promotional materials explain that Coach will be kicked out of the apartment to make way for former Croatian pro-basketballer Winston, from whom Coach was apparently subletting.

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IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...I. LOVED. THAT.

We now have a clear frontrunner for my favorite new series of the season. New Girl is just a magical combination of a likable cast, great writing, and a massive amount of heart. In a season full of cynicism and darkness, this is just what I needed.

As I noted in my Fall preview back in May, it's great seeing Zooey Deschanel take on something different from the hipster darling roles she's been stuck in these past few years; in this case, a twenty-something Liz Lemon type. I know a lot of prejudicial barbs have been tossed at this show because of FOX's regrettable use of the portmanteau "adorkable" in their promotional materials and because of the age-old debate about attractive people playing geeks.

Truth be told, I think New Girl handles the pretty nerd paradox better than even a 30 Rock does. In the latter, we're supposed to go along with the show's assertion that along with being klutzy and a bit unhinged, Liz Lemon is not that physically attractive when we're all watching Tina Fey grow ever lovelier by the year. Here, the show doesn't lie to us. It's Zooey EFFING Deschanel and we have eyes. (I don't know why I couldn't curse there. She makes me want to be even more of a gentleman. Is that weird?) She's physically attractive, but references J.R.R. Tolkien and occasionally exhibits the mannerisms of a Samuel "Screech" Powers. More cynical critics (I'm looking at you, AV Club) are too wrapped up kavetching that such girls don't exist--which, I'm fresh off of 4+ years at a state university full of them so...trust me, they do and I adore them--to notice what a darling of a TV program is staring them in the face. (Seriously, someone go check AV Club's presumably bitchy-as-all-get-out review and count how many times they use the ever-overused--and thoroughly stupid--phrase "manic pixie dream girl". I'll bet it's a lot.)

As for the rest of our cast, they're a delightful bunch, the lot of them. Jake Johnson's Nick is clearly the most protective of our titular New Girl and--as TV conventions dictate--probably her eventual new love interest. Max Greenfield's Schmidt reminds me of a lot of guys I know; he's a decent person at heart but he's surrounded by Spike TV-loving, overly-aggressive pseudo-he-men and has to sink to their level to survive all too often. It's going to be a shame to see Damon Wayans, Jr's Coach go. I feel like, had he stayed, he would have probably been the show's most dynamic character. It feels a little cheap recasting him with what appears to just be "alternate African-American sporty type" Winston, but I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that the general air of bubbly optimism surrounding this show will cushion the blow well enough.

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THESE ARE BLURBS

Some remaining ruminations on New Girl...

• This marks about the fourth time It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Mary-Elizabeth Ellis has popped up in some new pilot in a peripheral role (as Nick's ex). Here's hoping this show fares better than those other umpteen.
• I won't lie. I've spent a fair amount of the past few hours after watching this pilot narrating things in song, always ending with "Who's that boy?--It's JEFF!". Judge me if you must.
• I want to thank FOX for putting this show between unfortunate ratings powerhouse Glee and the surprisingly successful Raising Hope. That's pretty much a guarantee we'll be seeing Jess and the boys for quite a while and that's more than alright by me.
• By the by, New Girl now holds the distinction as the first new show of the season that I've added to my Season Pass on my DVR. So...right on.
• NEW GIRL AIRS TUESDAY NIGHTS AT 9pm EST ON FOX, WITH ENCORES (FOR THE TIME BEING, ANYWAY) SATURDAY NIGHTS AT MIDNIGHT!

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SECOND EPISODE UPDATE: RINGER

Hey, it's a new feature! Indeed, for the rest of the season, this is where I'll be checking in on the shows to which I gave at least a second episode pass. Today, I'll be looking at The CW's Tuesday night drama Ringer.

After last week's episode-ending twist, this week's proceedings were surprisingly Siobhan-Actual-light. Instead, it was all about Bridget-as-Siobhan's first few days in her new role. After a fairly ridiculous sequence in which B-as-S (if you will) rolls up her attacker's body in a sheet and hides it in plain sight in the loft, we get a taste of Andrew's corporate life; particularly his business partner Olivia (Jaime Murray), who clearly has designs on an affair.

Meanwhile, Nestor Carbonell's Agent Machado continues his pursuit of B-as-S for questioning, Andrew's daughter Juliet continues being an uninteresting bitch (until a late-in-the-episode heart-to-heart with B-as-S), B-as-S decides against running away with her hometown lover/NA sponsor who is now named Malcolm (formerly Carl), and adorable ginger best friend Gemma confronts husband Henry about his affair with Siobhan-Actual, who is presently still in Paris pulling the strings.

Still serpentine as ever, this show.

Some critics (hello again, AV Club) called this week's episode a letdown after last week's pilot. I just call it a sign of what this show is going to be...and what it's going to be is an unapologetically over-the-top, kitschy-as-fuck, semi-satirical drama...and I LOVE IT. I look forward to seeing just how ridiculous this show gets next week. (It was the second new show I Season Passed, just to say.)

******************

...and just like that, the 2011-2012 season just got that much brighter.

I invite everyone to tune into ABC tonight at 10pm EST for the subject of my next review (coming up tomorrow), the Count of Monte Cristo-inspired Revenge. Will it satisfy my love of watching rich entitled people get what they deserve? We shall see.

Until then...I don't know...it seemed thematically appropriate.

The Fall of Broadcast Television 2011: The Belated and Retooled Conclusion a.k.a. The Fallies

TWO DAYS LATER...

Hello and welcome my friends, to the last-minute, nonexistent awards show blog entry that I've decided shall take the place of a staid, uninteresting all-network, analytical look at this fall's primetime network television schedule!

YES! It's the first annual "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" FALLY AWARDS!

Today, I will be recognizing the most intriguing (and in one special case; most horrifying) new series set to hit your screens this September-ish!

The following "awards" will be presented first by network, in order of the network's overall standing on television; followed by a special award for utter lack of excellence in television achievement; and then "THE BIG TWO" (nobody calls them that...yet), OVERALL MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - COMEDY and OVERALL MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - DRAMA!

...and now here to present the first--erm--well, ALL of the awards today, ladies and gentlemen...IT'S ME, JEFF HEATHERLY!

[APPLAUSE]

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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - THE CW: RINGER

Now, let's just be brutally honest right from the off. As you may have seen, The CW's new offerings are short in supply and tentatively possibly good at best. Having given myself the past two days to really let everything I've seen simmer in my head, I'm starting to see more potential in Ringer than at first glance. In my CW-specific entry, I compared it to The Fugitive and the more I thought about that, the more excited I got. There aren't many (if any) shows like that around anymore; what with the lone protagonist, mournfully shambling across the country, running from some pursuing force, setting things right that once went wrong and hoping each time that their next leap will be the leap home. ...Wait, what was I talking about?--Right. Ringer. Point is, if it lives up to that tradition, I could see myself enjoying many-a-Tuesday night with our former Slayer.

AIRING TUESDAYS AT 9/8c ON THE CW THIS FALL!

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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - NBC: (tie) THE PLAYBOY CLUB and FREE AGENTS

Before I begin, let me sincerely apologize for the music. Clearly, between last week and now, NBC has lost the online rights to pretty much every licensed song in these trailers--save for "Car Wash"--and I truly hope it didn't affect your enjoyment. (Honestly, it almost did for me...especially those godawful Sinatra and Tina Turner sound-alikes in the Playboy Club trailer.) With that out of the way, let me also qualify these selections as actually being the SECOND most promising shows on NBC this season (as you'll see coming up later)...but this is no slight to them. Since doing my network-by-network entries, I've been giving both these shows a lot more thought.

I've had a pretty strong inner debate in the battle of Playboy vs. ABC's Pan Am, and the fact is Hef keeps winning. A much more engaging cast, a greater sense of whimsy, thoroughly more eye-popping visuals (STILETTO HEEL IN THE EYE!)...it just looks a hell of a lot more fun. Like I said in my ABC entry, from a purely...Emmy-grabbing perspective, Pan Am's probably got the bunnies beat...but I'm in the mood to have a good time this season, and I think this one will provide.

Speaking of which, Free Agents. This go-round with the trailer, my mind wandered to another great NBC sitcom that flourished--for the most part--outside of the Thursday night line-up: NewsRadio. The two shows have taken a very similar--and very welcome--tack by having our romantic leads get the first secret sexual tryst out of the way right out of the gate, leaving the will they/won't they drama out of the equation and giving the writers room to focus on the non-stop funny. Come on, America. Hank Azaria has deserved his shot for A LONG TIME. Let's give it to him right here, right now. (SUGGESTIVE!)

THE PLAYBOY CLUB AIRING MONDAYS AT 10/9c ON NBC THIS FALL!

FREE AGENTS AIRING WEDNESDAYS AT 8:30/7:30c ON NBC THIS FALL!

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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - ABC: APARTMENT 23

Oh, rest assured, readers; I am as shocked as you are right now. This call literally came down the moment before I typed the title of the show up there. I was fully prepared to give the push to Once Upon A Time (which, once again, is more likely the better/more successful of the two "fairy tales are real" series this year), but then I just realized...GOD, I want to see this more. Seriously, if I could pick one of these two shows to premiere tonight...it's this. I just keep thinking about all the potential shenanigans our fictionalized version of The Beek is going to get into; my inexplicable swooning for Krysten Ritter despite never having seen a single thing she's been in; laughing...really, just laughing. I'm in a pretty dark place in my life right now personally, and this year, I want to enjoy myself. I want to be engaged by something. Make me laugh, you former untrustworthy bitch, you.

AIRING MIDSEASON ON ABC!

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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - FOX: ALCATRAZ

Don't you just love that "Oh, snap! Shit's about to get REAL!" feeling? Over the past decade or so, no one has provided that feeling better than J.J. Abrams and the folks at Bad Robot Productions, and Alcatraz looks primed to carry on that tradition. Watching the trailer this time around, I found myself--more than anything--tremendously happy to see familiar faces like Jorge (HURLEY!) Garcia and Dr. Alan Grant/Merlin himself Sam Neill (who's gotten depressingly jowly over the years) on my screen. Let's be honest with ourselves. Out of all the former cast of Lost, nobody came away with more public goodwill than TV's Hugo Reyes, and in a Fall where it seems familiarity is a big selling point for a lot of shows, I can't deny smiling biggest at the sight of our favorite cursed lottery winner. Pop in cinema's most beloved paleontologist and BOOM!--We've got a show.

AIRING MONDAYS AT 9/8c MIDSEASON ON FOX!

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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - CBS: PERSON OF INTEREST

(Hello again, J.J.) Jesus and Ben Linus are going to fuck some people up...and it's going to be ridiculously entertaining. In (roughly) the week since I first watched this trailer, the first viral marketing campaign for Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises (co-written by Person creator/co-executive producer Jonathan Nolan) has begun. Late last week, we all got our first look at Tom Hardy as Bane in next summer's final chapter of this particular Batman universe. Somehow--as minutely related as it is--it got me even more excited about this show. Seriously, to combine two of geekdom's most formidable figures (Abrams and The Nolans) is tantamount to the legendary (and fictional) creation of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Two great tastes that taste great together, indeed.

AIRING THURSDAYS AT 9/8c ON CBS THIS FALL!

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Before I get to our next award, I just want to take a moment to apologize for what I'm about to unleash upon you yet again. There are some pieces of "entertainment" that are so startlingly awful; so impossibly horrendous; so incredibly inexplicable in their mere existence that it forces one to ask a very powerful question: HOW DID THIS GET MADE? Five months ago, beloved comedian and Human Giant alum Paul Scheer established a podcast that set out to ask that very question about some of the most reviled and embattled films of all-time. However, this isn't a movie. This is a television show, so allow me to shamelessly (and respectfully) take Mr. Scheer's name and the title of his fantastic podcast and present you with the following...

THE UNAUTHORIZED PAUL SCHEER "HOW DID THIS GET MADE?" AWARD FOR TELEVISED AWFUL: WORK IT

I just have to say it again. Go to hell, ABC. The only bright side to Work It (which is the part where you ask "There's a bright side?") is that months from now if--by some act of utter Satanic evil--this trash actually makes it to air, you can use it to gauge who's really essential in your life. If you meet a single person who has the slightest interest in this show and/or enjoys it--and this is only because murder is illegal--you can feel secure knowing you'll never want to interact with that theoretical moron of such impeccably malignant taste ever again...and that's always a nice feeling. Certainty is nice, isn't it? Oh, and once again, go to hell, ABC.

AIRING HOPEFULLY NEVER (OR--GOD HELP US--MIDSEASON) ON ABC!

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...and now, if you survived that, here's your reward! It's time for the two biggest awards of the entry...

OVERALL MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - COMEDY: SUBURGATORY

After a nearly decade-long slump, ABC has really struck gold in comedy lately. With greatness like Cougar Town and inexplicably popular/award-winning fare like Modern Family and The Middle, they've finally--(with the exception of the preceding Fally Award winner)--made a massive leap away from their reputation as the network that gave According to Jim airtime for an impressively terrible EIGHT SEASONS. Suburgatory, with its great cast and crew, looks to be another feather in the Disney-owned network's comedy cap. Oh, and before anyone decides to get snarky about it--OF COURSE, they scored points with me for Tessa Altman's visual and stylistic resemblance to my beloved Emma Stone. (No shame in my game.)

AIRING WEDNESDAYS AT 8:30/7:30c ON ABC THIS FALL!

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OVERALL MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - DRAMA: AWAKE

That was the third time I've watched that trailer since I covered NBC last week. There has yet to have been a single viewing of it upon which I haven't (1) started to tear up pretty immediately and (2) not immediately followed watching it by shaking my fists in the air and audibly yelling "WHY?! WHY ARE YOU NOT ON MY TV RIGHT NOW?!". I reiterate what I initially said about this: that this isn't airing until midseason is absolutely ASTONISHING to me. I haven't been so passionate that a show be given a chance to succeed in...longer than I can even remember. This show's presence is nothing short of ESSENTIAL to my 2011-2012 television season, and honestly, I can't fathom how anyone could possibly disagree. Over the last week, I have seriously contemplated organizing some sort of campaign to preemptively save it from even the remotest possibility of cancellation or even to get its premiere moved up to the late Fall. Bar-none, this will be THE BEST NEW SHOW OF THE SEASON. This is the one time...THE ONE TIME...I truly need NBC to not fuck up. Another reiteration: THIS IS YOUR LOST, NBC. THIS WILL SAVE YOU. PLEASE LET IT.

AIRING MIDSEASON (OR--FINGERS CROSSED--SOONER) ON NBC!

******************

...and that concludes the first annual "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" Fally Awards! I hope you've enjoyed this special second look at the season's most promising new network series, and please TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THESE SHOWS.

ESPECIALLY AWAKE.

I shall return soon with more rantings, ravings, and ramblings.

Until then, this was only acceptable in 1980, ABC. You fucked up. BIG TIME.

I'M WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!

The Fall of Broadcast Television 2011: FOX

Welcome back, kids!

My in-depth look at the 2011 network upfronts continues today with this year's new selections from the former butt of many-a-Simpsons joke and current envy of almost all other networks, FOX!

Before I get to it, though, a quick reminder of what's coming up as the week progresses here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms":

• ABC, tomorrow (May 20)
• CBS/(maybe) The CW, Saturday (May 21)
• a comprehensive recap of the entire Fall schedule slate, Sunday (May 22)

We good?--Alright, let's get going. (Once again, new shows will be in ALL CAPS, and schedule changes will be denoted by italics.)

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MONDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-9pm - TERRA NOVA

9-10pm - House

(post-Midseason)

8-9pm - House

9-10pm - ALCATRAZ

TERRA NOVA: Perhaps the biggest financial gamble of the fall is this family sci-fi/drama from ELEVEN(!) executive producers that include Steven Spielberg, David Fury (best known for his work on Angel and Lost), Brannon Braga (who's been involved in pretty much every televised Star Trek production since The Next Generation), and Jon Cassar (the most-recurring director on FOX's former smash 24). With that hefty list of names comes a hefty budget: $16 Million on the pilot alone; and to take a look at that trailer, it comes as no surprise. Originally slated to premiere this month in a cushy post-American Idol timeslot--where it would have flourished, because let's face it; anything you put there will--this ambitious series moved its debut to September to allow for some finishing touches on its numerous CGI effects. The big question now: will it have been worth it? Its Fall follow-up, House has taken a pretty sizable hit in the ratings over the past two seasons; so much so that it was very nearly put to rest a few weeks ago (at which point, it almost went to NBC--how about that?). Will the viewers help balance out costs, and more pertinently, should they?--Well, let's see. We've got a fairly attractive cast of basically unknowns, time travel, CGI dinosaurs, guns, Stephen Lang pretty much reprising his role from Avatar...I mean...it's got some enticing facets for a pretty wide array of viewers...but does it do anything for me?--Well...

MY VERDICT: ...not really. A big budget doesn't always mean big rewards are a sure thing, and it also doesn't make up for a pretty uninteresting premise (beyond the initial burst of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey goodness). I'll certainly watch the pilot--because let's face it; it pretty much demands that we all do--but if there isn't anything to wow me once hour 1 is up...yeesh.

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ALCATRAZ: There are many of us for whom the words "From Executive Producer J.J. Abrams" are an immediate signal that shit is about to get REAL. Call me a little gun-shy after the blandness--sexy though it was--of his return to the spy game with last year's NBC flop Undercovers, but I might need a little more convincing on this one. To be fair, it just might be able to do it, because it's got the trappings of every great Bad Robot production that came before it: mysterious possibly (let's face it--definitely) supernatural elements that set the plot in motion, an amazing cast (SAM NEILL! HURLEY! HEY, WAS THAT MARTIN FREEMAN?--I'M NOT SURE BUT I'M STILL GOING TO TYPE IN CAPS ABOUT IT!), and even with just this trailer, LAYERS UPON LAYERS of questions to be answered. Plus, with the recent shocker renewal of his cult favorite Fringe, it seems J.J. and Co. may have shifted their loyalties away from ABC in favor of today's network du jour. In short, my friends...

MY VERDICT: ...I'll certainly give it a shot. I'm willing to believe Undercovers (like Six Degrees before it) was just a rare misstep for the folks at Bad Robot; and with Super 8 looking to be a true classic-in-the-making this summer, this could be the thing that makes me forget that time Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Recreation played Marshall Flinkman for a season on NBC. Wow me, J.J. Wow me good. (SUGGESTIVE!)

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TUESDAY:

8-9pm - Glee

9-9:30pm - NEW GIRL

9:30-10pm - Raising Hope

NEW GIRL: Get out your Smiths mixtapes, kids! Zooey Deschanel's on the TV! ...Okay, now that I got that out of my system, I have to admit; that was INCREDIBLY charming. Because for all the snide comments we've ALL made about everyone's favorite hipster darling, I've been eagerly awaiting the moment when she would bust out of her quiet, mousy, jazz-crooning shell and give me something unexpected again. Casting her as--basically--an unemployed Liz Lemon in her late '20s definitely fits that bill. Admittedly, it's in the middle of a pretty worn premise with a cast of co-stars who I would swear in court are the entire male portion of the cast of ABC's inexplicably just-renewed Happy Endings (Damon Wayans, Jr., for certain) and what appears to be the exact same set to boot, but somehow that totally just worked for me. Hey, I freely admit it could stagnate immediately, but for now (believe it or not)...

MY VERDICT: ...I'm in. Let's see where this goes.

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WEDNESDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-9:30pm - THE X FACTOR*

9:30-10pm - I HATE MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER

(post-Midseason)

8-9:30pm - American Idol

9:30-10pm - I Hate My Teenage Daughter

*I won't be covering The X Factor because (1) I certainly won't be watching it and (2) we all know EXACTLY what we're getting into with that, so what's the point?

I HATE MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER: ...Yikes. Here's the thing. I'm only 24 and I already pretty heartily despise the under-18 set. I don't need painful pseudo-comical misadventures with, albeit, a pretty likable cast to remind me of that every week. The fact of the matter is though, this show will be HUGE; and it'll be 100% a matter of timeslot. If you put something after American Idol (or in this case, the new but exactly the same The X Factor), it WILL be a hit. Past examples include House, Raising Hope, and (God help us) Glee. Now, I'll try to be fair. There is a slim chance that I'd off-handedly give this a shot, and once again, it's all about cast. Jamie Pressly spent four years on My Name Is Earl proving herself a great undiscovered comedic talent and came away with an Emmy for her troubles. This Katie Finneran lady...I've never heard of her, but she was responsible for the vast majority of genuine laughs I got from this trailer. She seems to have the broad comic timing of a slightly less off-putting Ana Gasteyer, and I dig that. So, where do I stand?

MY VERDICT: I certainly won't make a big point of seeking it out, but I can see where this show could be enjoyable. Maybe I'll stumble on it out of boredom one day on Hulu and get a few chuckles, but other than that, we're good right here.

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THURSDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-9pm - The X Factor

9-10pm - Bones

(post-Midseason)

8-9pm - American Idol

9-10pm - THE FINDER (with Bones returning in late Spring)

THE FINDER: So, let me just get this out of the way. I've never seen a single episode of Bones and I REALLY don't care for Geoff Stults...so right there, for me, this show already has a pretty big handicap to overcome. From what I understand though, its got another hurdle to jump in a pretty fair number of Bones fans who have been so vocally uninterested in this show, The A.V. Club has taken to referring to it as "the spinoff NO ONE asked for". I mean, I know I've got my "verdict" to give a few sentences from now, but I'll go ahead and tell you: there's very little chance I'll be watching this show. Not that it doesn't look charming (it does) and not that I don't love me some Michael Clarke Duncan (because let's face it; we all do), but I just have no stakes in this show at all. If you do, God bless, but for me...

MY VERDICT: ...no thanks. No thanks.

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FRIDAY:

8-9pm - Kitchen Nightmares

9-10pm - Fringe

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SATURDAY:

8-8:30pm - Cops

8:30-9pm - Cops

9-10pm - Encores/America's Most Wanted specials

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SUNDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

7-7:30pm - The OT (Fox's NFL post-game show)

7:30-8pm - The Cleveland Show

8-8:30pm - The Simpsons

8:30-9pm - ALLEN GREGORY

9-9:30pm - Family Guy

9:30-10pm - American Dad!

(post-Midseason)

7-7:30pm - Animated Encores

7:30-8pm - The Cleveland Show

8pm-8:30pm - The Simpsons

8:30-9pm - NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

9pm-9:30pm - Family Guy

9:30-10pm - Bob's Burgers

ALLEN GREGORY: I can definitely see where people might disagree, but that TOTALLY worked for me. I dig the animation style. I dig the sense of humor. I dig the cast (Jonah Hill, Will Forte, Leslie Mann, etc.)...but once again, I can completely see where people would be turned off by this. The fact is Jonah Hill is--to more and more people, it seems--the poor man's pre-Green Hornet-physique Seth Rogen; he's a tad overexposed and has his fingers in a lot of proverbial pies right now. I don't mind him, and I think his voice suits this character very well. To be fair, he DID co-create this show, so he knew what he was doing, but still, I dig it. I won't deny it; there's a pretty decent chance this will be another Sit Down, Shut Up, where a few promising names and a humorous trailer belied what was a pretty damned unfunny show, but for right now, come September...

MY VERDICT: ...I'm in...or I should say, I'm certainly more in for this than what you're about to see next.

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NAPOLEON DYNAMITE: I have a pretty unique relationship with Napoleon Dynamite (the 2004 film). When I first saw ads for it during the 2004 MTV Movie Awards, I knew I'd love it. It was just the right amount of indie weird for my tastes. It took until late October of that year for it to finally show up at a SINGLE theatre in my local area, and I had a memorable Saturday night laughing my ass off at the citizens of Preston, Idaho. (The milk scene at the 4-H event still slays me.) The following week, I returned to school RAVING about this unique and hilarious film I'd seen the weekend before, only for people to scoff and dismiss me. (I had yet to have developed a reputation--not to incorrectly toot my own horn--as a tastemaker.) Three months later, the movie hit DVD, and after Christmas Break...FUCK. I walked into a sea of "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts and a cacophony of people indignantly scoffing, "GOSH! IDIOT! EAT THE FOOD!". ...It was a shitty time. I stand by my story to this day that I was the first person in my high school to see the film, and moreover, I'd still be willing to bet that over half of the people wearing those shirts and yelling those quotes had NEVER FUCKING SEEN IT. Over the years, my sour grapes at that whole experience have weakened my relationship with the film, and only very recently have I found myself watching re-airings of it on Comedy Central with the same kind of delight I had that fateful October night in 2004. ALL OF THAT BEING SAID...I've known there was an animated series in the works for about two years now, and to be fair, it doesn't look all that bad...BUT(!), I--like a lot of people out there--just don't see the point of all this. It will have been EIGHT YEARS since the film's release by the time this show hits the airwaves. Near as I can tell--in that time--it's either been forgotten or lost a lot of goodwill from people who started to see through the bullshit, like I did all those years ago. Granted, it's still feels slightly less unnecessary than the oft-threatened TBS animated series based on Joe Dirt, but it all still feels very wrong somehow.

MY VERDICT: I--like a lot of people out there--will watch the pilot out of pure morbid curiosity, and you know, I won't dispute that I might end up enjoying it...but still...wow. Just fucking wow.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

I won't lie to you, folks. I haven't really had a big stake in the FOX Network's output in some time now. There are no shows I watch regularly on it (not even DVRed), and what we've just seen doesn't look like it's really going to challenge that. In the interest of fairness however, let's break it down by genre.

In terms of live-action comedy, I'm giving the edge to New Girl. I've spent the past few years--particularly after realizing how much I fucking despised 500 Days of Summer--like a lot of people, on the Zooey Deschanel Hate Train. It's been a pretty sad experience, considering I'd enjoyed her for many years in things like Almost Famous, Big Trouble, and Elf, but I did and still do see exactly where we were/are all coming from. She basically fell into the trap of being the female Michael Cera for a while and I really believe this could be her Scott Pilgrim; the thing that breaks her from that stigma and gets her back in the good graces of the more stodgy of my fellow nerds. It certainly looks better than I Hate My Teenage Daughter, that's for damned sure.

On the animated front, I want to give the advantage to Allen Gregory but I know--despite all our hand-wringing--that Napoleon Dynamite is going to attract a far bigger audience than any of us think it will/should. The t-shirts may be gone, but I think morbid curiosity, coupled with a generation who often completely miss the point are going to make it a mainstay of FOX's Sunday night line-up...for a while at least. I'll keep my fingers crossed that Allen wins the day, though.

Lastly, we come to drama. I stand by my prediction that Terra Nova has the potential to take a very notable (and expensive) shit in the ratings. I actually quite enjoy being proven wrong, but it just seems too cut-and-dried/procedural--CGI dinosaurs notwithstanding--to keep the audiences coming, especially with that timeslot. Once again, The Finder means nothing to me, so it comes down to Alcatraz. It'll have a steep ratings battle on its hands too, but J.J. Abrams and the folks at Bad Robot have surprised us all before, and I look forward to them pulling it off again.

...and one final note. The cancellation--save for a few alleged "quarterly specials"--of America's Most Wanted saddens me deeply. When a show has made such a commendable difference to our society, has ZERO competition in the ratings, and has been a consistent mainstay of your network since (pretty much) its very inception, there is no logic in cutting it loose; ESPECIALLY when you have NOTHING to put in its place. Bad form, FOX. Bad fucking form.

...and that'll do it for today, kids. I made a point of starting this last night, so my brain isn't quite as fried as it was yesterday. I want to thank those of you who've sent me your comments; they are greatly appreciated. Keep 'em coming and please, TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

Join me tomorrow as I tackle the plentiful (and plenty-awful) Fall output from the folks over at ABC.

Until then, this one tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.

GOODBYE! HAVE A GOO' TIME!