There was a thing called "Class Act". It was a byproduct of one of the bigger misfires in my life. I went back to college, seeking purpose. What I found was a depression so severe, only my fear of death kept me from ending it all. (You think I'm joking?--I'M NOT.) I got out of there, post-haste...and we'll speak no more about it.
Also, I reviewed the pilot of NBC's Smash. So, yeah. That happened.
Let's move on, shall we?
That time of year has arrived once again. It's the second week of May, so it's time to take a look at what the broadcast networks have brought to the table at this year's Upfront Presentations.
Now, to make it easier on myself, I won't be committing to a strict schedule of posts this year. While consistency and routine are good for me emotionally, the fact is, the networks are being BEYOND stingy and/or slow with the information so far. To wit, the subject of today's edition (NBC) has yet to have posted full-length trailers for all of its SIXTEEN new offerings, despite their upfront taking place well over 72 hours ago. As such, in the case of most midseason offerings, I'll be presenting you with preview clips instead.
(Did I really need to say all that?)
So, enough jibber-jabber. Let's get Upfront-y, yo. We begin, as I said, with the new selections from everyone's favorite slowly-dying poultry-themed network: NBC.
NOTE: As was the case last year, new shows will be listed in ALL CAPS; while schedule changes for returning series will be denoted by italics.
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MONDAY
8-10pm - The Voice
10-11pm - REVOLUTION
REVOLUTION: So, fair warning. I'm about to spoil the ending of John Carpenter's underrated 1997 sequel, Escape from L.A.. Kurt Russell's classic antihero Snake Plissken, having rescued the psycho-Christian U.S. president's daughter from the clutches of a would-be post-apocalyptic Che Guevara named Cuervo Jones (Let me repeat that: CUERVO. JONES. If you aren't seeking the movie out already, I don't know what to say to you.), presses the button on a doomsday device that deactivates every electronic device on Earth; ostensibly creating a new Dark Ages. In lieu of Carpenter's long-teased but unlikely-to-ever-be-realized third film in that series (tentatively titled Escape from Earth), I guess we have this to tell us what would happen next...and apparently, it's a combination of The Hunger Games, Deadwood and The History Channel's Life After People. I don't know why, but I get the feeling this show is going to be one hell of a pilot (directed by Jon Favreau) followed by a lot of less and less impressive time-killing before a too-late game-changing finale that will be seen by a laughable fraction of the pilot audience, before it goes to that great TV mega-network in the sky. Following high-concept disappointments like last season's Terra Nova on FOX and--yes, it pains me to say this--NBC's soon-to-be-no-more Awake, you'll have to forgive me if I'm incredibly gunshy...and before anyone throws the J.J. Abrams card at me...one word: ALCATRAZ. 'Nuff said.
MY VERDICT: I'm a sucker for a post-apocalyptic tale, so I'll certainly watch the pilot, but unless the show makes with the answers (that inevitably only lead to further questions, a la Lost) EACH WEEK, I can already feel myself checking out by roughly week 3...and I won't lie. The Bella/Jacob vibe I'm getting from our female lead and her would-be love interest...BIG TURNOFF. Nice to see Zak Orth, though. (He's the portly bearded fellow, destined to be our comic relief.) We shall see, Revolution. WE SHALL SEE.
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TUESDAY
8-9pm - The Voice
9-9:30pm - GO ON
9:30-10pm - THE NEW NORMAL
10-11pm - Parenthood
GO ON: Poor Matthew Perry. He's easily one of the most charming and talented guys in the business, and unquestionably the most likable person from the Friends cast...and yet, he seems doomed to fail anywhere else. (Not entirely true. The Whole Nine Yards and Fools Rush In are delightful pieces of cinema. No kidding.) Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Mr. Sunshine...and now this. I want so much for this man to have some post-Chandler Bing success, but this...this isn't going to cut it. Even he seems to be trying too hard here. To be fair though, so is the show around him. (He does a sports radio show! So he's making his groupmates compete via a tournament bracket! Isn't that HI-LARIOUS?! ...No...just...no.) Now, there are admittedly some bright spots to be found. That's the wonderful alt-comedian Brett Gelman (of Adult Swim's Eagleheart) as the bearded fellow moving just a little too close to Mr. Perry and of course the great Bill Cobbs (a.k.a. the poor man's Morgan Freeman) as the man who wins his first-round bout via blindness. Hell, I'm even glad to see Laura Benanti, fresh from her role as The Playboy Club's Betty Draper/Joan Harris equivalent, as the group's leader/our presumable love interest. In short...
MY VERDICT: I will proceed with caution. Out of my sheer want to see Matthew Perry back on top, I'll certainly watch the pilot...and truth is, if we can get past the hackiness of it all, this gave me a real Season 1 of Community (READ: the only good season of that show) vibe, so with some fingers crossed and high hopes that it won't devolve into Meet the Spartans: The Series (READ: Season 2 of Community onward)...I bid you good luck, Matt.
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THE NEW NORMAL: Right off the bat...it's TWENTY-FUCKING-TWELVE (a phrase--sans the FUCKING--they've used in every piece of literature related to this show AND THE TRAILER ITSELF, if you can believe it/as you've just seen). Are we REALLY still using Christopher Otcasek's "Real Wild Child" unironically?--Ugh...and it just kind of gets worse from there. Why does every Ryan Murphy creation on broadcast network television have to be so unwatchably insipid? (On the cable side, I've never seen Nip/Tuck, but American Horror Story is just the right level of batshit that I watched last season, laughing all the way.) I don't know what bothers me more. The racial and sexuality stereotypes on display here verge on minstrelsy, it's so damned insulting. Not to mention how ABUNDANTLY clear that Murphy is going to pull from the Glee Season 1 playbook and have our heroine falsely claim to be pregnant after seeing that home test, leading to weeks of awkward double-dealings that could be EASILY REMEDIED by just TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH FROM THE START. Do I have to even say it?
MY VERDICT: FUCK. YOU. RYAN MURPHY...and before ANYONE--and hell, that could include the notoriously oversensitive Murphy himself--tries to play the "You're too conservative" card, know that this is coming from someone who spent the better part of last week in a near-catatonic state of sadness following his home state's decision to put homophobia into its constitution, so again, FUCK YOU.
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WEDNESDAY
8-8:30pm - ANIMAL PRACTICE
8:30-9pm - GUYS WITH KIDS
9pm-10pm - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
10-11pm - CHICAGO FIRE
ANIMAL PRACTICE: ...You're joking, right? You have to be. Either this is just a poorly-constructed trailer or the genuine implication of this show is if--essentially--Adult Swim's Children's Hospital was meant to be taken 100% seriously. Now, maybe it's just because I'm not an animal person. (I've recently finally come clean about my utter detest for hardcore, overly obsessive, high-pitched voice gibberish-speaking "dog people".) Although, I really, truly doubt that's the case. In addition, I've never seen a single episode of Weeds, so you'll forgive me if the presence of its Justin Kirk as our lead isn't doing anything for me, let alone people I actually know and enjoy (Upright Citizens Brigade co-founder Matt Walsh, MadTV alum Bobby Lee and Reaper's Tyler "Sock" Labine). Like...I don't even know how to fully snark at this. Its mere existence is THAT flabbergasting.
MY VERDICT: I'm just going to...quietly back away. I...just...wow.
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GUYS WITH KIDS: So...full disclosure. As was also the case last year, I write these blurbs one by one, trailer by trailer. I come into these with completely fresh eyes. So, that being said...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, NBC? You're aware you're dying, right? Like, the idea of you sinking below The CW in the ratings is actually 100% POSSIBLE. This is not the time to be fucking around, or worse, giving us concepts that would have been derisively laughed off of our television screens twenty years ago, let alone ten. Now, let me stop right here and make something known: I have ZERO problem with multi-camera, quote-unquote "laugh track" sitcoms. I grew up on them. Yes, single-camera sitcoms have shown themselves to be, in many ways, superior over the last few years...but there's a reason why the multi-camera format thrived for almost a century before...but I Love Lucy, All in the Family, Newhart, The Golden Girls, etc....this isn't. Also, as much as I love what he's done with Late Night, tossing Jimmy Fallon's name around still doesn't entirely inspire confidence for hearty laughs. (What's more, it actually kind of proves who's really pulling the weight when it comes to comedic ideas on that show...and SPOILER ALERT: it's not the guy who's hosting the thing.) In short...
MY VERDICT: Shall I just start writing NBC's obituary now? After this coming season, they're losing 30 Rock, The Office, and--yes, God help me but it did used to be not awful--Community. This is their last new comedy offering until midseason, and unless those are MIND-BLOWINGLY GOOD...I don't think they've made the best choices for the proverbial "new guard". Once again, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, NBC?
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CHICAGO FIRE: I'm not going to mince words. I have some issues with firefighters. I come from a town where the vast majority of the fire and rescue recruits of the last eleven years are redneck date rapists who took the job so they could toss around the phrase "nine-eleven" to curry cheap respect/sympathy anytime one of their many victims actually came forward with allegations. (I wish I was kidding. I truly, truly do.) Even beyond that though, what maudlin, overly grandiose garbage this looks to be. There are many reasons why Dick Wolf's Law & Order spinoff Conviction failed back in the spring of 2006. Poor timeslot, bad juju left over from the failure of Law & Order: Trial By Jury, (on a more personal note) killing off Elias "Casey Jones" Koteas IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES...but the biggest was how blatant it was that Mr. Wolf just can't write personal stories. He can tell one hell of a procedural story, as we've all seen for the past 20+ years...but when it comes to the deeper lives of his characters, he falls into soapy, unrealistic characterizations every time. This looks to be no exception. Right now, below this video's placement on YouTube, there are countless internet trolls incorrectly lambasting it as a "Rescue Me ripoff". That's not the problem (nor is it remotely accurate beyond the fact that, yes, this is a show about a fire department). It's that every single beat in this trailer comes off like a parody of emergency rescue dramas. The pounding music. The super-green newbie whose misadventures provide plenty of laughs for his colleagues (but will inevitably provide the show's most poignant rescue). The "tough" female characters whose only indication of said "toughness" is that they act like their male counterparts. (If you know me, you know I love a strong female character. These are a joke.) The dead colleague whose demise has caused a rift between two former best friends. It's all there...and it's all BEYOND overdone; much like this blurb, so...
MY VERDICT: Nice try, Mr. Wolf...but also not.
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THURSDAY
8-8:30pm - 30 Rock
8:30-9pm - Up All Night
9-9:30pm - The Office
9:30-10pm - Parks and Recreation
10-11pm - Rock Center with Brian Williams
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FRIDAY
8-8:30pm - Whitney
8:30-9pm - Community
9-10pm - Grimm
10-11pm - Dateline NBC
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SATURDAY
8-11pm - Movies/Encores
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SUNDAY
(Fall)
7-8:15pm - Football Night in America
8:15-11:30pm - NBC Sunday Night Football
(Spring)
7-8pm - Dateline NBC
8-9pm - Fashion Star
9-10pm - The Celebrity Apprentice
10-11pm - DO NO HARM
DO NO HARM: Now...that's more like it, NBC! I'd heard talk there was an American version of BBC's Jekyll in the works, and while I'm not 100% sure this is the same project, I'm still the most intrigued I've been by one of the Peacock's new offerings yet. Forgive the technical issues in these clips (clearly pulled from an early pilot presentation), and just imagine the possibilities. As ABC's Revenge proved last season, modern takes on classic literature are kind of in right now, and when done well (like Revenge), they can breathe new life into a network's slate with hardly any effort. (CBS--although admittedly not exactly hurting for success--is banking on the same with their sort-of-but-not-really-but-probably-kind-of take on Steven Moffat's current BBC hit Sherlock, entitled Elementary, which I'll obviously be previewing later this week.) Now...I'd be remiss if I didn't address the elephant in the room; an elephant named My Own Worst Enemy. While not exactly a Jekyll and Hyde story, this network's previous attempt at a multiple-personality drama (starring modern day go-to show killer Christan Slater...poor bastard) failed quickly a few seasons back. Placing this in January and on their second-lowest-rated night of programming could prove a grave error. In the meantime...
MY VERDICT: ...I look forward to seeing more about this show. In this, I'm already seeing the mistake NBC has made by not giving us full trailers for their midseason offerings (yet). These clips suggest something intriguing, but I want to know just HOW BAD the Hyde of our story (named Ian Price to our Jekyll, Dr. Jason Cole...yeah, I know...Dr. J. Cole...they think they're cute) really is. What does he do when he's let out on the prowl? An interview with the show's star Stephen Pasquale suggests something just a sinister notch above a devious, smooth-talking playboy...but hopefully there's something more. Keep me apprised, NBC.
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MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD)
SAVE ME: Hey, kids! Hankering for a wacky new sitcom starring beloved Hollywood nutlog Anne Heche?--Me, neither. Casting aside though, aren't we--as a television-viewing public--past the gimmick comedy? I mean no disrespect to them. I grew up on them. (Hell, there was a season where they comprised 3/4 of TGIF on ABC.) However, as I've said...it's 2012. Now admittedly, I'm sure they'll keep the divine presence on this show to Heche's ramblings, but still, this is the stuff of Sunday nights on Lifetime; not a weeknight on a broadcast network desperate for success. It's a proven fact; the more focused on a single concept a show is, the more limited its range of storytelling. (Bill Lawrence figured that out roughly a third of the way through Cougar Town's first season, and--title notwithstanding--broadened that show into one of the best comedies on television.) So, unless America is REALLY dying for a comedic equivalent of Joan of Arcadia (and I don't think they are), let's just go ahead and try to forget this is happening.
MY VERDICT: Not even on my radar. This is this season's Bent, or I'll eat my hat. (DISCLAIMER: For health reasons, my hat is made of Fruit Roll-Ups.)
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1600 PENN: I won't lie to you. That first clip up there made me laugh out loud a number of times...and then the Secret Service (and the show's concept itself) rolled up and ruined everything. I like Josh Gad. He was a hoot on FOX's wrongfully-retooled-then-rightfully-cancelled Back to You back in 2007, and followed that up with enjoyable turns in the massively underappreciated Rainn Wilson vehicle The Rocker and of course as a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. (I won't comment on his recent acclaimed run on Broadway's The Book of Mormon, as I live quite a ways away from New York and have never heard a single song or line of dialogue from it.) The fact is, if this was a Revenge of the Nerds type show where Gad and his buddies try to survive college life one prank at a a time...it might be bearable-to-enjoyable. As it is however, it's a strained high-concept comedy in which he's the bumbling screw-up son of the Commander in Chief (Bill Pullman, as ever, our resident fictional president). Not to mention, NBC's own literature about the show describes it as "The West Wing meets Modern Family". So, already...
MY VERDICT: ...I'm out. While I'm never not glad to see Bill Pullman working (and particularly in such a positive role following his grim turn as a pedophile/murderer on the most recent season of Torchwood), I don't see myself tuning into a fictional White House for laughs; even beyond the fact that what's happening in the real political world is EVERYTHING BUT funny.
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NEXT CALLER: Where do I begin? I guess I'll start by sort of spoiling my verdict with the following admission/statement/beg for forgiveness: I'm going to watch this show. I'm really sorry, but I'm going to. In a conversation with an acquaintance earlier this week, we commiserated about our inability to stop wishing for a return to the Dane Cook of old. We're both fully aware of not only why people have come to pretty heartily despise him, but also that we mostly agree with them...and yet...we can't let him go. For me, I think it's because--and call this sad if you must--Dane was sort of my way into stand-up. We're talking 1999, I had just gotten Comedy Central on my local cable provider and the first new thing I saw was the premiere of his Comedy Central Presents special. I immediately loved him. He was wild, he was loud, and more than anything, he was ungodly charming. When his first album Harmful If Swallowed was released to a mass audience in 2004, I scooped it up at the local Best Buy immediately. (In my defense, around the same time was when I discovered the unquestionably superior Patton Oswalt and my TRUE love of stand-up kicked into high gear.) Same goes for his follow-up (Retaliation) in 2005. I still recall driving around my college town with friends, laughing hysterically at his "run-in at 'The Wall'" or his trip to "The BK Lounge" for a "chicken sang-wich" (a phrase I still find myself using at Burger King to this day, in spite of myself). As most people would probably agree, the downfall sort of started with Employee of the Month, his first big starring movie role back in October of 2006. (FULL DISCLOSURE: I actually kind of love that film. To be fair though, it could just be because of the great memory attached to the first time I saw it.) While the movie wasn't exactly a huge success, it put him so large on the American consciousness that by the time his first HBO special hit...the hate started rolling in in droves. Since then, it's been a string of ever-worsening movies (although, as much as I hated this movie, I have to give him props for his dramatic turn in 2007's Mr. Brooks), constant stories of his dreadful on-stage behavior, and never-ending (and I will never stop arguing, incorrect; even his biggest alleged "victim" Louis C.K. agrees they're horseshit) accusations of joke thievery. In short, the man's reputation couldn't be any lower...and yet, the weird thing is...that could actually be this show's saving grace. As I mentioned in my review of last season's wrongfully reviled (and thankfully renewed) Whitney, sitcoms headlined by comedians who are either not yet household names or are on the decline have a far better chance at quality and survival than those led by THE comedian of the time. Toss in a leading lady I just adore in Collette Wolfe (anyone involved with Observe and Report has my undying affection) and another randomly cast Jeffrey Tambor (sometimes I think he attaches himself to easily-cancelled midseason comedies just to have something to do until they start production of Season 4 of Arrested Development for Netflix), and I really think--if nothing else--this won't be AS BAD as the countless snarky commenters are declaring on message boards across the web right now. In fact...
MY VERDICT: ...I think it could be even better. It's weird. Watching these clips and reliving these memories as I wrote this blurb...I started to feel really warm and nostalgic inside. Perhaps Dane Cook is a sort of comfort food; a reminder of the better times in my life. Who knows?--The same could ring true for a lot of people and that could spell success. We all know NBC could use some.
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INFAMOUS: So, I'll save the internet the trouble of saying it. "So...it's just... Black Revenge?". Questionable taste/racism in that statement aside, it's not wrong. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (or so I've been told), and in NBC's case, it's also transparently desperate. You know, I don't know why now is the moment I'm realizing this...but let's face it, midseason shows on NBC have about as much chance of survival as a Spinal Tap drummer. (Yeah, I stole that from Buffy. Wanna fight about it?) In addition, it doesn't matter how many shows have thrown Victor Garber at me post-Alias, none of them have gone past--in the case of Eli Stone--a carelessly tossed-aside second season before their demise. I love me some Jack Bristow, but if his presence hasn't saved anything since, this will be no exception. Maybe I'm biased because of how much I love Revenge (and GOD, do I LOVE REVENGE), but maybe there were other more untapped wells of ideas they could have pulled from.
MY VERDICT: I genuinely don't expect to see this on my screen--if at all--until a quick burnoff next summer, and even so, my interest is pretty damned low.
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FINAL THOUGHTS:
I'll have you know it took me three days to write that.
Not because I was busy (although, I sort of was), but because my heart couldn't take the pain of watching NBC destroy itself. Honestly, what a depressing slate of new product; and worse, yet again, we find them swapping the shows that should be slowly killed in midseason for the things that ACTUALLY HAVE POTENTIAL, and vice versa.
Not because I was busy (although, I sort of was), but because my heart couldn't take the pain of watching NBC destroy itself. Honestly, what a depressing slate of new product; and worse, yet again, we find them swapping the shows that should be slowly killed in midseason for the things that ACTUALLY HAVE POTENTIAL, and vice versa.
...but enough of the sadness (at least for the remainder of this sentence), and let's speak a bit in generalities.
First up: comedy. ...Yikes. I suppose, of the shows NBC's heading into battle with, Go On could be worse. Indeed, it could be ALL THE REST of their Fall comedies. Seriously, with every next trailer, I felt my heart breaking just a little bit more. That The New Normal, Animal Practice, or Guys with Kids made it past the development stage is based solely on goodwill from those involved. Ryan Murphy makes hit shows (sort of). Justin Kirk is enjoyable on Weeds (from what I understand). Jimmy Fallon is a great late-night talk show host. ...None of these things however, are reason enough for subjecting us to SO MUCH AWFUL. That I'm pinning my hopes for NBC's comedy future on a midseason offering starring a downtrodden Dane Cook speaks VOLUMES about how much wrong this network is doing.
...which leads us to DRAMA, where the better decisions lie. Revolution does have some promise hidden in all the wince-inducing similarities to certain unspeakably awful tween book/movie franchises right now. Even Chicago Fire could shake loose its clichés and become something great (but that's a HUGE maybe). Do No Harm could be fun, but its midseason placement concerns me. The less said about Infamous, the better and the more accurate to how little will actually end up being said. (SNIP-SNAP!) Plus, let's not forget that the watchable-to-enjoyable Smash will be returning at some point and Bryan Fuller's semi-intriguing Hannibal Lecter series is coming somewhere down the line. It's not a lot of hope...but it's some.
(Only now did I realize that their weird dramatic reboot of The Munsters didn't make the cut. Shame. I was actually looking forward to it being a guilty pleasure. At the very least, Eddie Izzard would have been fun as Grandpa.)
...and that's that for NBC. I sincerely apologize for the delay. I'm far busier than I thought and, as I said...there were moments where I genuinely HURT from watching those clips.
I shall return decidedly sooner with my look at the new offerings from the once-laughable, now-laudable FOX Network.
I shall return decidedly sooner with my look at the new offerings from the once-laughable, now-laudable FOX Network.
Until then, listen all y'all.
...WHAT?! SOMEBODY SHIT ON THE COATS! (I'm so sorry. I was still feeling nostalgic.)
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