Pilot Inspektor: "Pan Am"

This is your captain speaking. (There were many cutesy airplane-related opening lines I could have gone with. I chose that one. Let's move on.)

I'd like to welcome you back to "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms", as I continue my journey through the landscape of new programmery on your television screens this season.

First, explanations!

You're probably wondering why you haven't seen my review for NBC's new Thursday night drama Prime Suspect yet. Well, first off...you won't. Unlike last week's 2 Broke Girls debacle (which...interesting news on that front coming up momentarily), this is more a matter of my human tendency to get a bit busy on a Friday (and for the rest of the weekend, for that matter), coupled with the fact that the show was THE LOWEST-RATED THURSDAY NIGHT PREMIERE IN NBC HISTORY. (Yep. Even lower than The Paul Reiser Show.) I'd say it's a pretty safe bet Maria Bello's Jane Timoney won't be on our screens much longer, and so, there went that.

Meanwhile, as suggested above, I've had an ever-so-slight change of heart with regard to CBS Monday night comedy 2 Broke Girls. Following an uber-delightful Kat Dennings interview on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on Friday night, and the sort of philosophical revelation I had while reviewing CBS new Thursday night drama Person of Interest...I'm giving it another shot. That's right. Attached to one of tomorrow's reviews (more than likely that of FOX's Terra Nova), you'll find a rare second-episode update on 2 Broke Girls. How will I update a show I technically never reviewed?--Stay tuned and find out.

Now that all of that's out of the way, let's get to the main event for today, and my look at ABC's answer to NBC's disappointing The Playboy Club. It's the new Sunday night drama Pan Am.

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THE GIST OF IT

1963. (Here we go again.)

Laura Cameron (Australian actress Margot Robbie) joins her fellow Pan Am stewardesses in the back offices of a busy New York City airport. (It's never made clear if it's JFK or LaGuardia...although LaGuardia seems more likely, doesn't it?) After a weigh-in and a waist measurement from a crabby headmistress-type, she heads out to the lobby where she joins her co-workers; her (GINGER!) sister Kate (Kelli Garner) and France-native Colette (Karine Vanasse), who are discussing the cover of the most recent Life magazine. Days prior, a photographer snapped a candid photo of Laura coming out of an airport in her uniform and has dubbed her "the face of Pan Am" for all the world to see. Soon, the ladies head for their flight (New York to London) and meet up with Captain Dean Lowrey (Mike Vogel of Cloverfield fame) and co-pilot Ted Vanderway (Michael Moseley, best known from the final season of Scrubs).

In the midst of all of this, the plane's scheduled purser Bridget (Annabelle Wallis of Showtime's The Tudors) doesn't show up for work, forcing the higher-ups to call in probationary stewardess Maggie Ryan (Christina Ricci), who arrives via helicopter(!) just in time for takeoff. The passengers are seated. The safety demonstrations done. Our flight takes off.

Over the course of the flight, flashbacks tell us a bit more about our characters. Our rookie Laura ditched her wedding six months ago and started training to join her sister Kate as a Pan Am stewardess. Three months later in Rome, Kate was approached by an intelligence agent and recruited to use her globetrotting to assist the U.S. and its allies in the ongoing Cold War efforts. Meanwhile, French import Collette had a torrid night of passion with an American businessman; a businessman who happens to be on board our flight...with his wife and young son.

As for the gentlemen in the cockpit, Captain Dean contacts Pan Am headquarters for any news on the missing Bridget. Months ago, Dean proposed to Bridget as the pair helped ferry exiles out of Cuba during the last days of the Bay of Pigs incident. She never said yes, but kept the gold Pan Am wings he gave her in lieu of a ring.

In addition to Collette's businessman, also on our flight is a Russian gentleman (David Harbour, best known for rocking a horrid molestache in Quantum of Solace) from whom Kate has been tasked to gather intelligence via a passport swap. After a few close calls and some (literal) turbulence, she succeeds and the flight arrives safely in London, England at 8:05pm.

On the ground, the businessman's wife approaches Collette with a drawing of an airplane from her young son, warning the French stewardess against ever sleeping with a married man again. Off the plane, Kate arrives in her hotel room to find the Russian passenger. In reality, he's her British contact with MI-6; the passport swap having been a test of her abilities. Meanwhile in the lobby, Captain Dean attempts to call Bridget's London flat, only to find that her phone has been disconnected. He heads over to the flat, only to find the place empty...save for the gold Pan Am wings, sitting on a bureau. Back at the hotel, Kate's contact explains that she'll be replacing MI-6's former Pan Am insider (you guessed it) Bridget.

Having settled in, our stewardesses and pilots gather at a pub for a few drinks, toasting to Laura whose face also adorns the British edition of Life Magazine. Outside the pub, Bridget looks in on her co-workers and would-be fiancé before tearfully getting into a cab and driving off into the night.

The next morning at Heathrow Airport, our quartet heads for their latest flight as a young British girl watches in awe. Show ends.

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MOVING FORWARD

Next week, more adventures in the sky(!), plus...Captain Dean continues his search for Bridget, and Kate continues in her intelligence training. In later weeks, ER alum Goran Visnjic stops by as a potential love interest for Kate. That's about it for now.

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IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...it all really sounds kind of stupid when you just write it out like that...but believe it or not, I ended up liking this show far more than expected.

I think the biggest problem this show and The Playboy Club face are the unavoidable comparisons to AMC's basically infallible Mad Men. After having watched both of these new series, it's become inescapably clear what a flimsy and inappropriate comparison that truly is. All three shows are set in the early '60s. THAT'S. ABOUT. IT. Rest assured, I'm not changing my stance on The Playboy Club. It was disappointing no matter how you slice it, but it certainly shouldn't have had to live up to the gang at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, and neither should Pan Am.

These are three completely different shows with three completely different perspectives on a similar time period. Because while Mad Men (pretty rightfully) looks at the early '60s as a dark but formative time for gender politics and American history as a whole and The Playboy Club looks at it as nothing more than an excuse for vintage scanty clothing and smooth-talking hero-types...Pan Am kind of smiles and looks at it all with a lovable "Aw, shucks!" kind of attitude. It wasn't what I expected...and I'm pretty glad about that.

Much like NBC's VASTLY underrated and mistakenly despised Thursday night comedy Whitney, Pan Am is a clear victim of poorly-conceived marketing, plain and simple. ABC has spent the past three months or so suggesting a sultry combination of Desperate Housewives and the aforementioned Mad Men; in essence, a role-reversal of the latter show. It is neither, thank goodness.

So, now that the confusion's out of the way, how about our cast?

Last week, I spoke briefly about my love of strong female protagonists. Thus far, Pan Am is in no short supply of them. All four of our central stewardesses are intelligent, forward-thinking women who (for the most part) don't need a man to identify them or make them whole. They can make it on their own and they know it; and moreover, contrary to the usual stereotype, they didn't get into this business for the sex or the attention.

Margot Robbie's Laura is a small-town girl (resist the urge, Jeff) who just wants to see everything the world's got to offer. Her sister Kate is rebellious, witty, and looking to make a difference in any way she can. Christina Ricci's Maggie is secretly a bit of a beatnik; possibly even a Communist at--admittedly--the worst possible time, but still...she means well.

Collette. Hmm. She'll get there. I'm not too worried about her.

...and what of the fellows? One of the things I appreciated most about Pan Am is the--to be fair, pretty historically inaccurate--equality and respect with which the male characters treat the opposite sex. Maybe it's just these six characters, and we're just lucky to have found a sextet of such liberal thinkers...I don't know. Either way, Michael Moseley and Mike Vogel are both infinitely charming and I think the casting director couldn't have found a better Captain and co-pilot.

In short, Pan Am isn't Mad Men....and you know what?--It doesn't want to be. I can groove on that. Just don't tell ABC's promotional department. It might shatter their entire universe.

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THESE ARE BLURBS

Remaining notes on ABC's Pan Am...

• I'll be honest. I came THIS CLOSE to cutting this show off in the first ten minutes. From the offensive weigh-in scene to the ridiculousness of Christina Ricci's helicopter trip...it wasn't looking that great. Glad I stuck around though.
• All the shots of kids looking at the pilots and stewardesses in worshipful awe were a bit much.
• Were airports really so single-airline monopolized in the '60s? In the New York scenes, it was all Pan Am as far as the eye could see. I know for a fact at least American Airlines existed back then. Just saying.
• I'll be oddly somehow simultaneously bothered and pleased if we don't see Collette's businessman again. Pleased because I thought it was a cheap plotline, but bothered because not revisiting it would only make it that much cheaper. Does that make any sense?
• PAN AM AIRS SUNDAY NIGHTS AT 10pm ON ABC!

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...and it's time for our final approach. (AIRPLANE PUNS!)

I'll return tomorrow with a look at FOX's ambitious (possibly overly so) new Monday night drama Terra Nova, the aforementioned second-episode update on 2 Broke Girls, and a look at The CW's new Monday night dramedy Hart of Dixie.

Until then, coffee?

Pilot Inspektor: "Whitney"

Let's dance, kids.

Back again in record time, it's "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms", welcoming you back to my ongoing look at the most jam-packed day of new programming so far in this, the 2011-2012 television season.

Mere hours ago, I brought you my look at CBS new nerd-friendly drama Person of Interest.

Now, it's time to head over to the network that has made Thursday nights a broadcast television legend for almost three decades, NBC and the newest edition to "Comedy Night Done Right" (do they still call it that?), a rare multi-camera comedic programme called Whitney.

Are all the countless months of internet snark and prejudicial hatred appropriate?--Let's find out.

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THE GIST OF IT

It's morning and our central couple Whitney (Chelsea Lately regular Whitney Cummings, playing a fictionalized namesake) and Alex (Chris D'Elia of the execrable and thankfully-cancelled TBS "comedy" Glory Daze) are playfully jockeying for position in front of their bathroom mirror. Alex is trying to shave. Whitney is applying eyeliner...and shaving her upper lip. (It happens.)

Moments later, they're dressed and ready for yet another of their casual acquaintances' weddings. Once there, they're joined by their four closest friends: overly-affectionate couple Neal (Maulik Pancholy, best known as Jack Donaghy's obsessive assistant Jonathan on 30 Rock) and Lily (Zoe Lister-Jones of Adult Swim's Delocated), chauvinistic police officer Mark (Dan O'Brien), and bitter recent divorcee Roxanne (most recently of TNT's Franklin and Bash). Banter and awkward comedic shenanigans ensue. (It's not that it wasn't substantial; there's just not much to recap about it.) Later that night, Whitney and Alex discuss their plans for their three-year anniversary tomorrow. As it stands, they don't have a great track record of making the day special and both go to bed mulling over the possibilities.

The next day, Whitney, Lily, and Roxanne head out to an erotic novelties shop and look at some options. When all is said and done, they decide some role-play might be fun.

Cut to that night, as Alex comes home from work to find Whitney waiting in a classic "sexy nurse" outfit. After Whitney gets a little too into her role (she presents him with realistic waiting room paperwork), Alex begins to disrobe and heads for the bedroom...until he slips and hits his head on the kitchen counter, leaving him unconscious. Whitney rushes him to the emergency room where the admitting nurse (the delightful comedienne Loni Love) refuses to allow her into the exam room as she's not Alex's spouse.

The pair's friends all gather in the waiting room to keep Whitney company, later joined by her mother Patti (Malcolm in the Middle's Jane Kaczmarek) who lobbies for Whitney to consider marrying Alex to avoid situations just like this. Eventually, Whitney is allowed in to see the now-conscious Alex. Emotional, she kneels and proposes but Alex declines, and both of them are humorously relieved. Alex understands Whitney's misgivings about marriage (both her parents have been divorced three times apiece) and is willing to wait until the day she's ready or even if she's not. The two embrace and decide to give their role-play another try...until Alex falls off the bed.

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MOVING FORWARD

Next week, Whitney and Alex realize they've actually never had a real, traditional first date and set out to recreate the experience, complete with all the awkward rituals and sleeping in different beds...or so IMDb tells me. It's a comedy. Once again, I still haven't figured out how to use this section properly for comedies.

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IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...I realize this is going to bother some people...but I really rather enjoyed that. That was immensely charming and elicited some of the biggest laughs I've had this season so far.

I truly can't believe the levels of bile and violent hatred that have been tossed at this show over the past few months. I've come to the conclusion that the vast majority of such criticisms are obviously BEYOND prejudicial. Look, I agree that some of the promotional materials have been hacky and that the "silent treatment" ads in particular verged on somewhat bothersome but seriously?--All the hate for this?

Is everyone really just that immediately dismissive of a multi-camera sitcom on NBC?--I mean, after torrents of duds like 100 Questions, Joey, and the much-maligned Americanization of Coupling, I can understand people being somewhat wary (jaded, even), but I reiterate my utter disbelief at just how hardcore hateful people have been toward this show. For shame, all of you.

Let me reiterate something else: this was delightful.

Now, I'm not disputing that some of the characters dipped into sitcom stereotype on occasion (looking at you, Mark and Roxanne), but in this show's defense, it doesn't celebrate them for it. Lesser shows would really try to force-feed us the idea that Mark and Roxanne are supposed to be our favorite characters because "LOOK! SHE'S SO BITCHY AND HE'S SUCH A THOUGHTLESS HORNDOG! AREN'T THEY EDGY?!"...but this show is as tired of these two as we are, and kindly says, "Don't worry, viewer. We're laughing at them, not with them." As for Neal and Lily...they're harmless (much like this show, so CALM THE FUCK DOWN, EVERYBODY).

Now, let's talk about our central couple.

I'll be honest. Whitney Cummings isn't my favorite comedienne. I wouldn't go out of my way to watch one of her specials or anything...but I've always appreciated her somehow. I dig the cut of her jib, I guess. As an actress, she's a little green, but to be fair, look at some of our favorite stand-ups-turned-sitcom-stars. Jerry Seinfeld had to work at it. Roseanne had to work at it. Drew Carey...well, maybe he's still an acquired taste (which I personally DID acquire, but that's neither here nor there). Even Louis C.K. had to work on his range a bit...and look at how all of those turned out.

I had a great conversation with my best friend about a month ago in which we discussed Whitney's potential for success in the grand scheme of comedians with sitcoms. One of the things that will work in Cummings' favor is the fact that while she's somewhat known via her work on Chelsea Lately and the Comedy Central Roasts, but she's not THE comedian, you know? Even beyond the ever-widening distaste for him over the years, Dane Cook--arguably the most popular (to a fault) comedian of the last decade--has attempted to sell three pilots to the networks in that time. All have failed, and the reason: OVERSATURATION.

Another example...in 1995, Jeff Foxworthy was one of the most widely known and--truth be told--overexposed stand-ups in the country. His self-titled ABC sitcom was cancelled after one season and only barely revived for a second life on NBC the following year. People got tired of "the redneck guy". I won't lie. I'm a Foxworthy fan (judge me if you must) and I can wholeheartedly understand. (The same could also be said for his later TV experiment Blue Collar TV; an idea so ill-advised that Ron White--always the most shrewd and intelligent of the Blue Collar boys--would only appear in very sporadic cameos. He knew it wouldn't end well, because even by that point, America was sighing a collective "We get it, can we move on now?")

It's a proven formula. The lesser known the stand-up, the more successful the show. The more famous the stand-up, they'll be cancelled within weeks; months, if they're lucky. Whitney's gonna be okay.

All that rambling aside, let's get back to my point. Whitney and Chris D'Elia's Alex are adorable together. We can believe that they love each other and that they have no reason or intention of changing that anytime soon, if ever. Part of that can be attributed to the fact that--unlike most TV couples of the last few years--they aren't in such a constant state of hateful barb-volleying and bickering that we can't fathom why they're together. They're certainly sarcastic with each other on occasion, but you can tell that all of it comes from a place of affection, which is all too rare on television these days.

Much like FOX's wonderful New Girl, Whitney (promotional materials aside) is optimistic and sweethearted and...well, I love it. There. I said it.

Hell, if I can be perfectly frank...they had me at "Whitney is taped before live studio audience. ...You heard me." Yes, I did. See you next week, show.

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THESE ARE BLURBS

Remaining wonderances (not a word, but I'm going with it) on Whitney...

• Still wondering where Maulik Pancholy stands regarding 30 Rock. If the ratings are any indication, we may be seeing Whitney stick around for a while, so...no more Jonathan? (Although, to be fair, I can see the friend characters being quietly phased out eventually, so...we'll see.)
• You know, as years have gone on, I've come to realize that I kind of hated Malcolm in the Middle, and Jane Kaczmarek's Lois, in particular. I can think of few more unforgivably hateful parents in television history...and yet I literally golf clapped when she appeared on screen here. I shrug.
• I know somebody's going to be a smartass and be all, "Jeff, it may be filmed with an audience but they still used a laugh-track so...meh-burgabur." I really kind of don't care. That they're even trying the studio-audience method (which I would argue gave us a slight majority of our on-screen laughs here) is wholly commendable, and I'd be willing to bet they're using it to figure out how to tweak the show when necessary. I trust them. You don't have to, but I do.
• WHITNEY AIRS THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 9:30pm EST ON NBC!

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...and I don't know about you, but my spirits are lifted.

Coming up before day's end (or possibly even sometime tomorrow), it'll be my look at NBC's take on the series that made Dame Helen Mirren a star, Prime Suspect. Its ratings are admittedly already pretty dismal...but it still deserves our attention...AND SO IT SHALL HAVE IT!

Until then, this is what happens when the biggest comedian in the country headlines a sitcom. Don't count Whitney out. Have an open mind...and smile.

Pilot Inspektor: "Person of Interest"

Is it safe?

Better be. Here comes "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms", once again ready to bring you thoughts and witticisms about the latest televisual entertainments to emerge in this, the Fall of 2011.

After a pretty dismal Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday brought this week back into the win column with their respective adorable comedic shenanigans and deliciously satisfying spats of justice.

Now, we come to Thursday, and our biggest glut of fresh options yet. You'll get my thoughts on NBC's two newest offerings (Whitney and Prime Suspect) shortly, but first let us jump back into America's #1 broadcast network with CBS' new Thursday night drama from the collaborative minds of J.J. Abrams and the Nolan Brothers, Person of Interest.

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THE GIST OF IT

I'm going to do something a little different here.

Over the past two weeks, I've brought you two of the most complex pilots in recent memory with last week's Ringer and this week's Revenge. Both of these shows however, I was able to pare the basic pilot premises into fairly comprehensive and yet pretty spoiler-free mini-recaps...but look up there. J.J. Abrams. Jonathan Nolan. It's not going to be that simple.

So, in the interest of information, I'm going to eschew my own take on the events and put you--just this once--in the capable hands of our good friend Wikipedia, who sums the show up thusly:

"Mr. Finch (Michael Emerson), a mysterious billionaire, has developed a computer program that predicts the identity of people connected to violent crimes that will take place in the future. However, the program has its limitations: for example, it cannot predict whether the person will be a victim, perpetrator, or witness, nor can it predict when or where the crime will take place. Unable to stop the crimes on his own, Finch hires John Reese (Jim Caviezel), a former CIA field officer who is presumed dead, to help stop the crimes from taking place."

...and that'll have to do you for now, because I'm not even going to wait to tell you...if you're interested in this show, GO WATCH IT before you read any further.

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MOVING FORWARD

Even beyond the scarcity of promotional materials we've seen this year, you must bear in mind the people pulling the strings here. As such, the information is minimal at best. What we do know is that next week, Finch and Reese face an error in the computer program that forces Finch to recall the origins of his creation and question its usefulness. Seriously, that's all I've got for you.

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IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...hmm. Here's the thing. I can go ahead and tell you that I'm going to keep watching this show. What I can't tell you is that--to borrow a phrase from Doug Benson--it knocked my dick in the dirt...which it kind of didn't.

Truth be told, throughout the Pilot Inspektor experience, I've sort of been breaking one of my major rules of thumb in television, which was developed by a former acquaintance (or possibly co-opted from someone else and claimed by them; it's hard to be entirely certain...don't get me started) in a rare moment of pop cultural open-mindedness; that most shows take three episodes to become what they're going to be and that every show (to a fault) deserves those three possible strikes.

So, for the first time this season, I'm going to enact that rule as a direct reaction to Person of Interest. There's too much inherent potential here to just let it go at one episode. Now, this is not to say that it was a bad episode. It wasn't. It was just sort of "meh" when you consider the parties involved.

I'm optimistic though, especially with that admittedly paltry synopsis for next week's episode up there. Because as uncharacteristically procedural a show as this is from Abrams/Nolan, I also know neither camp will be able to resist slowly injecting a few Lostian questions in there along the way. There's always more to what we're seeing than just what's bubbling at the surface. (Unless it's Undercovers. Snip-snap, indeed.)

...and what of our cast? Jim "Jesus" Caviezel has the silent, slightly unhinged badassery down pat. Michael Emerson is as likably unnerving (if you will) as ever. Meanwhile, Taraji P. Henson and Kevin Chapman are weirdly kind of reprising their roles from Date Night (as high-ranking NYPD Detective Carter and seedy, corrupt Detective Fusco respectively), and yet it oddly works. It's particularly pleasing to see Chapman in such a high-profile role after countless years of great character work.

...I really am sorry about how short this review is going to end up being. I just don't think Person of Interest has shown me enough to fully analyze just yet, and I actually mean that as a pretty big compliment. Wow me, show. I know you will.

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THESE ARE BLURBS

Scant remaining bitlets regarding Person of Interest...

• The actor who played white gangbanger Anton (who for some reason is IMPOSSIBLE to track down on either IMDb or Wikipedia) seems to have found his niche, having played almost the exact same douchey urban white boy on this episode of FX's Louie last season.
• Speaking of Anton and his gang, I highly doubt we've seen the last of them; his father in particular. You don't cast William Sadler just to get shot in the leg and ask "Who the hell was that guy?". If you hire Sadler, you've probably got some big plans for him.
• ...and speaking of that scene...MAGIC. One of my most loyal readers was partial to the car escape scene as the pinnacle of this show's badassery...I must kindly err on the side of taking out a room full of at least 7 gangbangers with a single pistol clip in a matter of seconds. Beautiful.
• There's part of me that cringed a bit at the flashback scene of Reese and his presumably long-dead lover watching the events of 9/11 unfold on television. Now, admittedly, they tied it in well with the explanation that the creation of Finch's system was a direct reaction to that day, but still...I look forward to a time when it stops being used as a plot device.
• PERSON OF INTEREST AIRS THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 9pm EST ON CBS!

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...and quietly yet promisingly, there went that.

Join me again later today for my look at NBC's new Thursday night comedy Whitney and their new Americanization of the beloved British drama Prime Suspect. Will there be laughter? Will there be dark police procedural-ness? You'll find out shortly.

Until then...you guys got any milk?

Pilot Inspektor: "Revenge"/"Free Agents" UPDATE

Keep a tight perimeter, everybody.

It's time once again for "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" and my ongoing journey through the new additions to your television schedule during the 2011-2012 season.

After a disappointing Monday, yesterday's viewing of FOX's wonderful new Tuesday night comedy New Girl was a breath of fresh, DVR season pass-worthy air. Now, we move forward to Wednesday and our first stop at Disney-owned ABC this season.

Loosely inspired by one of my all-time favorite books, Alexandre Dumas' classic The Count of Monte Cristo, it's the new ABC Wednesday night drama Revenge. Is it a sweet one? Let's find out together.

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THE GIST OF IT

(So, remember Ringer? Remember how complicated it was?--Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.)

It's Labor Day Weekend in the Hamptons. All the socialites, captains of industry and their respective families have gathered at Grayson Manor to celebrate the engagement of heiress Emily Thorne (Emily VanCamp of Everwood and most recently ABC's Brothers and Sisters) and the Hamptons' favorite son Daniel Grayson (Joshua Bowman)...who is currently face-down on a nearby beach, presumably dead from the two bullets that have just been fired into his back. As a figure in a hooded sweatshirt drags the body away from the surf, two amorous partygoers appear on the beach to steal a few moments of intimacy. At the party, Grayson family matriarch Victoria (Madeleine Stowe, best known as the female lead in The Last of the Mohicans) aggressively questions Emily as to Daniel's whereabouts...which is just about when one of the aforementioned amorous partygoers, Daniel's sister Charlotte (Christa B. Allen; notable for having played a young Jennifer Garner in both 13 Going on 30 and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past) rushes in screaming. Victoria stares accusatory daggers at Emily as we cut to...

FIVE MONTHS EARLIER...

Emily Thorne surveys her new beachside rental home. The realtor rambles on about how the house's owners recently divorced as Emily notes something carved into the rails of the front porch: a double-infinity symbol. She flashes back to her childhood, when she was still Amanda, daughter of honest well-to-do widower businessman David Clarke (James Tupper); the double-infinity symbol an expression of their love for one another. At eight-years-old, Amanda witnessed her father being violently accosted by federal agents, having been accused of a conspiracy that somehow (I have to pause and mention that I still don't understand this entirely) led to the crash of a commercial airliner that killed over 100 passengers. For the next ten years, Amanda spent her days in a juvenile detention center, convinced her father was guilty of these crimes. Upon her eighteenth birthday, Amanda was emancipated and released to the outside where one of her father's apparently closest friends Nolan Ross (Gabriel Mann, who will always just be Alan M to me) waits with a transfer of all her father's earnings and a box containing his personal effects. He informs her that her father passed away in prison six months prior, and that he wasn't as guilty as she's been led to believe. We return to Emily (Amanda) and the realtor, who close the deal on the beach house as Grayson Manor, the home of her father's prime accusers looms in the distance.

Over the next few days, Emily gets acquainted with the various residents of the Hamptons including the owner of her beach house Lydia Davis (model-turned-actress Amber Valletta) who it is quickly discovered is having a long-running affair with Grayson family patriarch Conrad (Henry Czerny). She also happens upon Jack Porter (former Roswell star Nick Weschler), a childhood friend of Amanda's, now a bartender and owner of a boat bearing Emily's true name. (He may or may not recognize her. It's not entirely clear.)

...and believe it or not...I'm going to leave it at that. I don't want to spoil anymore of this for a couple of reasons: (1) it's seriously WAY complicated, and (2) see "IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS..." below.

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MOVING FORWARD (WHILE TRYING TO AVOID SPOILERS)

Over the next few weeks, we'll find Emily taking vengeful measures against a Wall Street hedge-fund manager and the district attorney who convicted her father, and yet more delicious downfalls for the Grayson family, all while we move ever-closer to figuring out how we got to that fateful Labor Day Weekend and the presumable demise of Daniel.

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IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...GO WATCH THIS. DO IT RIGHT NOW.

I am so IN, it's not even funny. As I mentioned back in May, I can't think of a better idea in the current economic state than a weekly means to watch the unjustly rich and powerful be taken down a peg.

I'm a big fan of justice and watching people get what they deserve. I discovered this part of me back in April 2004, after a year of being publicly defamed and humiliated by my first ex. Over the course of two weekends, I took in the gleeful violence of The Punisher with Thomas Jane and the Dwayne Johnson-led Walking Tall remake. I took more pleasure in watching all the death and destruction in those two films than I had experienced in a long, long time.

That part of me never left, and in our world where the rich keep getting richer, the poor keep getting poorer, and good people keep getting dragged down...honestly, the prospect of what this show has to offer has me positively tingling.

Truth be told, it's probably pretty hard for me to view a show like this with a truly critical eye considering everything I just divulged. Sure, it has some flaws. Madeleine Stowe's performance is so over-the-top at times, it verges on the dramatic equivalent of the great Laurie Metcalf at her most broadly comedic. There are certain details of the backstory that need to be fleshed out (seriously, how did her father's work have anything to do with the plane crash?), but I have faith that we'll get a clearer understanding of such matters in the weeks to come.

Overall though, even as just a pilot, Revenge is such an unbelievably satisfying viewing experience...I can't even describe it. Moreover, I don't think they could have cast a more perfect lead than Emily VanCamp. I remember back in 2002 watching the Everwood pilot solely because of how taken I'd become with her from all the promotional materials. ...Admittedly, I never watched it again, but that's neither here nor there. (I mean...it was Everwood. It never really grabbed me.) In VanCamp, they've found the perfect combination of sweetness and--when necessary--cold calculation. It's like the part was written for her...and hell, for all I know, it was.

Point is...this is going to be a lot of fun. I hope you'll agree.

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THESE ARE BLURBS

A few more nuggets about ABC's Revenge...

• Buffy the Vampire Slayer favorite Marc Blucas was originally cast in the role of Amanda/Emily's father in the flashbacks. He had to back out due to commitments to USA's Necessary Roughness. It's a shame, but to be honest, I think I might have been too busy thinking "...Heh. Riley." to get as invested in those scenes so...perhaps it's all for the best.
• There's part of me that's surprised--for all my undying love of revenge stories--that I'm as accepting of the idea of a 25-year-old being someone of enough wealth--rightfully vengeful heiress or not--to afford a summer home in The Hamptons. A very similar logic issue played a big part in why you'll never see my review of CBS' 2 Broke Girls earlier this week. I've recently developed an adversity to people close to my age being overly successful (or too cynical to appreciate what moderate success they DO have). ...I'll leave this blurb before I go on a rant.
• Upon seeing the hooded figure on the beach, someone yells "Hey! 8 Mile!". Is that really STILL our main point of reference for people wearing hoodies?
• Emily VanCamp makes me swoon just as much--if not more--with jet-black emo hair as she does with her usual golden locks. Just something I noticed...although I've never been locked into any particular parameters (hair, body type, eye color, etc.) when it comes to the women who intrigue me. I'm an equal-opportunity swooner.
• This show has the distinction of beating both the season premieres of CSI: AND Law & Order: SVU in the ratings, so I'm pretty confident we've got a long run of delicious vengeance to come. I'm smiling big (and making this my third DVR season pass of the season, for the record), aren't you?
• REVENGE AIRS WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 10pm EST ON ABC!

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SECOND EPISODE UPDATE: FREE AGENTS

Time once again for another second-episode update! Let's take a look at the continuing shenanigans of last week's most-promising new Wednesday night comedy, NBC's Free Agents.

This week, it seems our lead couple Alex and Helen (Hank Azaria and Kathryn Hahn) have settled into their attempt at a just-friends arrangement, but they still have a ways to go; something made most apparent when Helen is briefly assigned to use her wiles to secure a new contract with one of the firm's most trusted clients. Alex (whose last name is Taylor, which made me smile; I know a wonderful Alex Taylor) is clearly not pleased with this development, but is even less so when Stephen (Anthony Stewart Head) decides to send him with the client instead on a sort of "guys' night out".

Meanwhile at the office, a thankfully VERY toned-down Emma (Natasha Leggero) is attempting to get up the nerve to chat up a handsome investment banker (or somesuch; all these corporate jobs bleed together for me) a few floors up. She seeks Helen's guidance in brightening her usual dour, caustic demeanor and the pair head upstairs to make a go of it. As Helen and security manager Walter (Joe Lo Truglio) look on, Emma gets as far as "hi" before she's criticizing her suitor's taste in music (although, can you blame her?--The Spin Doctors?--It's 2011, dude) and has to be quietly shuffled away.

Out at the bar, Alex and the client have some difficulty finding some female companionship until a pair of barflies take them in. Inevitably, it turns out they're a pair of prostitutes and it's up to Helen and Emma to save Alex and secure the client's business respectively.

Overall, it was an enjoyable-enough second outing for the employees of Hale Dayton (so that's what the agency's called). Leggero's Emma is far more enjoyable when she's not channeling the ghosts of trite TV secretaries past and the lesser prominence of Mo Mandel's Dan and Al Madrigal's Gregg were a VERY welcome change.

As for Alex and Helen's relationship, I dig the fact that the show has skipped the will they?/won't they? and just came to the far more logical arrangement that they know they want to sleep together again, but they're simply making the choice not to for the time being. Their chemistry is still very much intact, but it's not the thing the whole show hinges on, which I appreciate greatly.

All in all, Free Agents hasn't hooked me enough to give it a season pass on my DVR yet, but I'll certainly be back again next week. It's a charming diversion that--if the ratings are any indication--may not be around too much longer, so I might as well enjoy it while I can, and I hope you all do, too.

******************

...and just like that, Wednesday night closed its awesome doors for the week.

Join me tomorrow for the biggest night of premieres this week, as I take a look at NBC's two new Thursday night offerings (freshman comedy Whitney and British import drama Prime Suspect) and CBS' new Bad Robot/Nolan brothers collaboration Person of Interest. Should be an interesting night of television and a long day of reviewing. I do hope you'll join me.

Until then...she certainly does.

Pilot Inspektor: "New Girl"/"Ringer" UPDATE

Hello, sailors!

Welcome once again to "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms". We're one day into the most pilot-heavy week of the Fall season and currently 0-2 this week for new, high-quality programming. 2 Broke Girls infuriated me so much I couldn't even review it. The Playboy Club just...didn't work.

So, the question is...can FOX's new Tuesday night comedy New Girl break the streak? Let us find out together.

******************

THE GIST OF IT

Twenty-something Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel) comes home--wearing a trenchcoat...and nothing else--to surprise her boyfriend, only to discover him emerging from their bedroom with another woman. Heartbroken, she spends the next few weeks seeking new lodgings and eventually takes up residence as the fourth in an apartment of three guys: corporate frat-boy wannabe Schmidt (Max Greenfield, probably best known as Leo D'Amato on Veronica Mars), overly-masculine Coach (Damon Wayans, Jr. of ABC's inexplicably-renewed Happy Endings, which--SPOILER ALERT--is why he's gone after the pilot), and recently-dumped bartender Nick (Jake Johnson).

Quickly growing tired of Jess' all-day crying jags and Dirty Dancing marathons, the boys decide to help her find a quick rebound and get back on her feet. With the help of Jess' best friend CeCe (former Canadian MTV VJ Hannah Simone), they send her off on a date with one of Schmidt's rivals from work and head off for a wild west-themed party downtown. After Jess' date stands her up, the boys ditch the party and rush to her side and save the night with a hilariously mumbly rendition of "(I've Had) The Time of My Life".

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MOVING FORWARD

You know, after a week of doing this, I still haven't figured out how to make this section work for comedies.

To date, all we know of future episodes are that--as I mentioned above--Damon Wayans, Jr.'s Coach is out and former BET personality Lamorne Morris' Winston is in starting next week. Promotional materials explain that Coach will be kicked out of the apartment to make way for former Croatian pro-basketballer Winston, from whom Coach was apparently subletting.

-------------------

IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...I. LOVED. THAT.

We now have a clear frontrunner for my favorite new series of the season. New Girl is just a magical combination of a likable cast, great writing, and a massive amount of heart. In a season full of cynicism and darkness, this is just what I needed.

As I noted in my Fall preview back in May, it's great seeing Zooey Deschanel take on something different from the hipster darling roles she's been stuck in these past few years; in this case, a twenty-something Liz Lemon type. I know a lot of prejudicial barbs have been tossed at this show because of FOX's regrettable use of the portmanteau "adorkable" in their promotional materials and because of the age-old debate about attractive people playing geeks.

Truth be told, I think New Girl handles the pretty nerd paradox better than even a 30 Rock does. In the latter, we're supposed to go along with the show's assertion that along with being klutzy and a bit unhinged, Liz Lemon is not that physically attractive when we're all watching Tina Fey grow ever lovelier by the year. Here, the show doesn't lie to us. It's Zooey EFFING Deschanel and we have eyes. (I don't know why I couldn't curse there. She makes me want to be even more of a gentleman. Is that weird?) She's physically attractive, but references J.R.R. Tolkien and occasionally exhibits the mannerisms of a Samuel "Screech" Powers. More cynical critics (I'm looking at you, AV Club) are too wrapped up kavetching that such girls don't exist--which, I'm fresh off of 4+ years at a state university full of them so...trust me, they do and I adore them--to notice what a darling of a TV program is staring them in the face. (Seriously, someone go check AV Club's presumably bitchy-as-all-get-out review and count how many times they use the ever-overused--and thoroughly stupid--phrase "manic pixie dream girl". I'll bet it's a lot.)

As for the rest of our cast, they're a delightful bunch, the lot of them. Jake Johnson's Nick is clearly the most protective of our titular New Girl and--as TV conventions dictate--probably her eventual new love interest. Max Greenfield's Schmidt reminds me of a lot of guys I know; he's a decent person at heart but he's surrounded by Spike TV-loving, overly-aggressive pseudo-he-men and has to sink to their level to survive all too often. It's going to be a shame to see Damon Wayans, Jr's Coach go. I feel like, had he stayed, he would have probably been the show's most dynamic character. It feels a little cheap recasting him with what appears to just be "alternate African-American sporty type" Winston, but I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that the general air of bubbly optimism surrounding this show will cushion the blow well enough.

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THESE ARE BLURBS

Some remaining ruminations on New Girl...

• This marks about the fourth time It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Mary-Elizabeth Ellis has popped up in some new pilot in a peripheral role (as Nick's ex). Here's hoping this show fares better than those other umpteen.
• I won't lie. I've spent a fair amount of the past few hours after watching this pilot narrating things in song, always ending with "Who's that boy?--It's JEFF!". Judge me if you must.
• I want to thank FOX for putting this show between unfortunate ratings powerhouse Glee and the surprisingly successful Raising Hope. That's pretty much a guarantee we'll be seeing Jess and the boys for quite a while and that's more than alright by me.
• By the by, New Girl now holds the distinction as the first new show of the season that I've added to my Season Pass on my DVR. So...right on.
• NEW GIRL AIRS TUESDAY NIGHTS AT 9pm EST ON FOX, WITH ENCORES (FOR THE TIME BEING, ANYWAY) SATURDAY NIGHTS AT MIDNIGHT!

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SECOND EPISODE UPDATE: RINGER

Hey, it's a new feature! Indeed, for the rest of the season, this is where I'll be checking in on the shows to which I gave at least a second episode pass. Today, I'll be looking at The CW's Tuesday night drama Ringer.

After last week's episode-ending twist, this week's proceedings were surprisingly Siobhan-Actual-light. Instead, it was all about Bridget-as-Siobhan's first few days in her new role. After a fairly ridiculous sequence in which B-as-S (if you will) rolls up her attacker's body in a sheet and hides it in plain sight in the loft, we get a taste of Andrew's corporate life; particularly his business partner Olivia (Jaime Murray), who clearly has designs on an affair.

Meanwhile, Nestor Carbonell's Agent Machado continues his pursuit of B-as-S for questioning, Andrew's daughter Juliet continues being an uninteresting bitch (until a late-in-the-episode heart-to-heart with B-as-S), B-as-S decides against running away with her hometown lover/NA sponsor who is now named Malcolm (formerly Carl), and adorable ginger best friend Gemma confronts husband Henry about his affair with Siobhan-Actual, who is presently still in Paris pulling the strings.

Still serpentine as ever, this show.

Some critics (hello again, AV Club) called this week's episode a letdown after last week's pilot. I just call it a sign of what this show is going to be...and what it's going to be is an unapologetically over-the-top, kitschy-as-fuck, semi-satirical drama...and I LOVE IT. I look forward to seeing just how ridiculous this show gets next week. (It was the second new show I Season Passed, just to say.)

******************

...and just like that, the 2011-2012 season just got that much brighter.

I invite everyone to tune into ABC tonight at 10pm EST for the subject of my next review (coming up tomorrow), the Count of Monte Cristo-inspired Revenge. Will it satisfy my love of watching rich entitled people get what they deserve? We shall see.

Until then...I don't know...it seemed thematically appropriate.

Pilot Inspektor: "The Playboy Club"

Alright, I can explain.

"Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" almost returned this afternoon with a look at CBS' new Monday night comedy 2 Broke Girls. I watched the pilot and got halfway through the review when it suddenly--and quite abruptly--turned into a rant about the state of the economy, the irresponsibility of youth, and the sad state of my life over the past fifteen months.

Trust me. You didn't want to read it.

In the interest of information, I'll just briefly say that I didn't care for it, and moreover, felt/feel ashamed at the fact that the sole motivation for watching it was my quite uncharacteristic-of-me fascination with Kat Dennings' breasts. People who know me well know that I don't usually fall into such hyper-hetero machinations, and I hope I never make that mistake again.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jeff, how can you say all of that considering what you're about to review?"

Like I said, I can explain. As such, let's conclude our look at Monday with our first network attempt at something Mad Men-esque this season, NBC's The Playboy Club.

******************

THE GIST OF IT

1963. Chicago. Present-day Hugh Hefner narrates our first look at the center of it all, The Playboy Club. To paraphrase, Hef describes the club as a place where dreams came true, where anybody or (and I'm not making this up; this pun actually happened) "anybunny" could be whatever they wanted to be. We quickly meet a few of the bunnies in question. There's Carol-Lynne (Broadway starlet Laura Benanti), the longest-serving employee of the club, who regularly performs jazz standards on the club's main stage; Brenda (Naturi Naughton, formerly of R&B trio 3LW), a self-described "chocolate bunny" who dreams of being Playboy's first African-American centerfold; Alice (Leah Renee), a closeted lesbian in a sham marriage with likewise gay husband Sean (Sean Maher, best known as Simon Tam in Joss Whedon's Firefly and Serenity), and our central bunny Maureen (Amber Heard, of Pineapple Express and most recently Drive Angry fame), the club's newest hire. Our bunnies entertain countless gentlemen of the Windy City nightly, quite notably up-and-coming attorney Nick Dalton (Eddie Cibrian, whose longest-running role was on Third Watch, but trust me...YOU'VE SEEN HIM...A LOT OF (mostly cancelled) PLACES).

On this particular evening, the club is visited by local mob boss Bruno Bianchi who quickly takes a shine to Maureen, cornering her in a back room and forcing himself on her. After a struggle, Maureen accidentally slices Bianchi's jugular with her stiletto heel, killing him instantly. Nick Dalton discovers the fracas and helps Maureen clean up, dump the body, and brings her back to his apartment to shower. The aforementioned Carol-Lynne--Nick's girlfriend--comes home to find the pair and storms off. The next day, Carol-Lynne makes a move to take some power from club manager Billy Rosen (the ever-delightful David Krumholtz, most recently late of NUMB3RS) and after some politicking with Hef, is named the club's new "bunny-mother". As her first act, she bans the bunnies from dating any customers and unsuccessfully attempts to intimidate Maureen into quitting. Meanwhile, Bianchi's son John (Troy Garity a.k.a. the token white guy from the Barbershop films) begins investigating his father's disappearance, suspecting Dalton whose campaign for State Attorney could definitely benefit from the downfall of a major crime boss.

All this, plus a few performances from an up-and-coming music act named Tina Turner (Kellita Smith, best known as wife Wanda Mac on The Bernie Mac Show) and a poorly-dubbed voice for the young Hef...and that's The Playboy Club.

------------------

MOVING FORWARD (SPOILERS, I SUPPOSE.)

According to the post-show "This season..." preview, we've got more scrapes with the mob, infighting with the bunnies, and our closeted lesbian Alice will be outed to someone on staff. Plus, Eddie Cibrian's Nick Dalton will have lots and lots of sex. You can pretty much figure out the rest from there.

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IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...hmm...let's see how Pan Am turns out.

Back in May, I listed The Playboy Club as one of NBC's two most promising new series (alongside the delighftul Free Agents). That promise was pretty handily broken. What a gaudy clusterfuck of shitty stereotypes, trite dialogue, and misplaced character tropes this was.

Those who know me best and really anyone who looks at my TV-on-DVD collection will notice that I have an affinity for strong female protagonists. Scan my shelves and you'll be greeted with the adventures of Sydney Bristow, Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, Helena "Huntress" Kyle, Buffy Summers, Agent Sarah Walker, Georgia Lass, Amy Pond, Liz Lemon...I could go on and on. I grew up in a house of three strong women. I expect my female leads to follow suit.

Now, when I say "strong female protagonists", I mean tough, intelligent, witty, dutiful, honorable, responsible (and I could list more and more similar adjectives) women. I don't mean mindless sex objects, irresponsible teen moms, or conniving (sorry, there's no better term) bitches. As such, I've never had any interest in shows like Desperate Housewives, Gossip Girl, or the vast majority of ABC Family's "drama" output; shows full of women who use shameless sexuality, mean-spiritedness, unearned wealth, and intentionally self-debasing tactics to get ahead, or worse...the ones who just give up on life and accept lives that are beneath them.

Now, to be fair...this show has a mixed bag of both the former and the latter...but what bothers me is that they want me to view the latter as their example of the "strong female protagonist", particularly the aforementioned "bunny-mother" Carol-Lynne. While she's being hateful and dishonest with everyone around her, I'm supposed to throw a fist in the air and scream, "Right on! She's taking progressive feminist steps in 1963 Chicago! Huzzah and kudos!".

...but I can't do that. Now, I know there's probably a decent number of you who are screaming at your screen right now, "Jeff, what the hell were you expecting from a show called The Playboy Club?"...and you raise an excellent point, I suppose. Believe it or not though, I wasn't expecting this show's lame-duck attempts at political commentary. I thought it was aware that it was only a stylistic cousin to a much better show like Mad Men. I expected a film noir, and I got pretty much everything that everyone criticized this show for, sight unseen. This was my mistake, and I take full responsibility.

Worse still, I know the only reason I would ever come back to this show would be because yes, Amber Heard is bloody gorgeous. Her smile could cure cancer. However...I don't want to be THAT GUY, you know. That kind of motivation is beneath me.

...I feel like I've really painted myself into a political corner by even watching this show...and I don't like that feeling.

I'll conclude with this: this show could probably be fun. Eddie Cibrian's poor man's Don Draper act--complete with VERY transparent attempts to match Jon Hamm's mannerisms--is pretty entertaining, in the most kitschy way possible. David Krumholtz is always a hoot. The plot line about Alice's role in the gay rights movement could be fascinating; honestly, to the point that I feel like if this show really wanted to give us commentary, she'd be our star...but that's not what The Playboy Club wants to be, no matter what it'll claim.

Fact is though, this show is pretty high in everyone's "first new show to be cancelled" poll and if its ratings are indication, that's a pretty accurate poll. In essence, my friends...(hey!--that's the title of this section)...why involve yourself in this confused political minefield if it's not going to be here much longer?

...

...Did ANY OF THAT make sense?

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THESE ARE BLURBS

A few stray thoughts that didn't make it into that hyper-defensive ramble up there...

• While the dubbing was awful, I do kind of dig the way young Hef is portrayed. He's just the back of a head wearing a smoking jacket, like Charlie Townsend or Dr. Claw...
• ...however, one other thing I'll say: I kind of wish this were an actual historical docu-drama about the life and rise of Hugh Hefner as a free-speech activist. I've always found him to be a fascinating figure and I think they may have missed the boat by turning what could have been a fun historical trip into whatever this is.
• Speaking of shitty dubbing/lip-synching, whoever is responsible for editing the musical performances together needs to step up their game or be replaced. Kellita Smith's Tina Turner (which I think she sang herself, and if so...right on, Mrs. Mac) was okay, but Carol-Lynne's two numbers at the opening of the show were just dreadful.
• THE PLAYBOY CLUB AIRS MONDAY NIGHTS AT 10pm EST ON NBC!

******************

...and so, that happened.

Join me again tomorrow for a look at FOX's new Tuesday night comedy New Girl. Here's hoping Zooey Deschanel's wacky antics won't throw me into a political or philosophical frenzy...but rather a frenzy of LAUGHTER!

Until then, he's a boat captain.

Pilot Inspektor - SPECIAL EDITION: The New "Two and a Half Men"

Welcome one and all to the biggest television week of Fall 2011 and this very special edition of "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms".

Later today, I'll be bringing you looks at CBS' new Monday night comedy 2 Broke Girls (that's right; I wavered back to a "yes" on that one) and our first attempt at Mad Men-on-broadcast, NBC's The Playboy Club.

Right now though, let's take a look at what may be the single most talked-about event of the 2011-2012 TV season so far: CBS' new Sheen-less Two and a Half Men with its new cast addition Ashton Kutcher.

NOTE: I'll try my best to avoid spoilers, but to be fair, I know a decent number of you are just here so you don't have to actually watch it, so...I won't disappoint you.

******************

THE GIST OF IT

Eight years ago, recent divorcee Alan Harper (Jon "Duckie" Cryer) and his then-nine-year-old son Jake (Angus T. Jones) moved into the palatial beach house of Alan's brother Charlie (Sheen; of "WINNING", tiger blood, and other such recent nonsense fame...and some other things before that, too), a womanizing commercial jingle writer. Ratings-topping television comedy ensued.

Cut to...PRESENT DAY.

Standing in front of one of Charlie's signature shirts and astride his coffin, Alan attempts to eulogize his fallen brother to a hostile crowd of a great deal of Charlie's past sexual exploits (including--but not limited to, because as you might guess, there were a lot of them--Jenny McCarthy, Jeri "7 of 9" Ryan, Sarah "Fairly Legal" Shahi, Liz "Captain Liberty" Vassey, and if I'm not mistaken, Tricia "Caprica Six" Helfer). Eventually, Alan gives up and brings Charlie's most recent conquest and their longtime stalkery neighbor Rose (Melanie Lynskey) to the podium, where it is revealed that on a whirlwind trip to Paris, Charlie met his demise after "slipping" and falling in front of a moving metro subway train...mere hours after being discovered in bed with a woman who most certainly wasn't Rose. So...yeah.

A few hours later, Alan, Jake, Alan's ex-wife Judith (Marin Hinkle), Charlie's longtime housekeeper Berta (Conchata Ferrell), Dr. Herb Melnick (Ryan Stiles!), and Harper family matriarch Evelyn (the great Holland Taylor) sit in Charlie's living room swapping stories of the departed, during which time it's revealed that Charlie wasn't as successful as once thought and that the house must be sold immediately to pay off its three mortgages. Over the next few days, Alan is tasked to show the house to potential buyers including cameoing John Stamos (who was very notably considered to replace Sheen) and Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson reprising their roles as Dharma & Greg (also from Men co-creator/executive producer Chuck Lorre).

Eventually, Charlie's cremated remains are delivered (by cameoing Joel "Freddy Rumsen" Murray) and Alan takes a moment to truly say goodbye to his brother. (It's a surprisingly poignant scene in such a macabre situation.) After some thought, Alan decides it would be best to spread the ashes onto the beach and heads for the french doors...only to be immediately spooked by Walden Schmidt (Kutcher), scattering the ashes all over the living room floor. Walden is soaking wet after an unsuccessful attempt to drown himself in the Pacific, depressed after a recent divorce. In the ensuing conversation, Alan discovers that Walden is currently worth $1.3 Billion after selling an idea to Microsoft and immediately goes to work trying to sell him the house, providing he and Jake will be allowed to stay.

That night, the pair pick up a pair of women sympathetic to Walden's loneliness at a bar, and bring them back to the house where Walden quickly beds both of them, as Alan laments how depressingly familiar it all seems. The next morning, a naked Walden announces his intent to buy the house and move in with Alan and Jake immediately. So...there it goes.

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MOVING FORWARD (SPOILERS?--WHAT SPOILERS?)

In an interview on Conan last week, Ashton Kutcher explained that studio audiences attending tapings of Two and a Half Men this season have been required to sign legally-binding confidentiality agreements before entering the studio. It's an unheardof measure of security for a television sitcom. As such, we know very little of what's coming beyond the impending presence of TV favorite Judy Greer (Archer, Arrested Development, etc.) as Walden's ex-wife Bridget.

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IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...well...that was interesting.

Let me go ahead and note that I'm not remotely a regular viewer of this show, nor have I ever been. Unlike many people I know, this isn't due to any ill will I harbor toward it; I merely never had any interest. A few years ago, a former roommate let me borrow his first-season DVD set, of which I watched about 12 episodes, but that's about it.

To be fair, I don't think being a fan would have lessened the bizarreness of the experience. The first fifteen-ish minutes of the episode were a truly (to borrow a term I used above) macabre thing to behold. I get Chuck Lorre's pretty-well justified want to flip a strongly-written middle finger at his former star, but...my God...it all seemed really cold and...just weird; even weirder when you consider that the episode was helmed by veteran television comedy director James Widdoes (Hoover of Animal House fame), who also happened to direct the obviously much more sincere sendoff for the (genuinely) late, great John Ritter and his character on ABC's 8 Simple Rules back in 2003.

I guess Charlie REALLY pissed some people off, huh?

All this being said, it should be mentioned that the latter half of the episode which featured the debut of Kutcher's Walden Schmidt...believe it or not...I found it kind of entertaining. That '70s Show is easily one of my top 10 favorite series of all-time and it was pretty great seeing Ashton in--essentially--a variation of his Michael Kelso. If nothing else, Kutcher's charm helped turn the episode around better than I think some of the other potential anti-Sheens could have.

I have to be honest...I'm probably going to watch next week. Like a lot of viewers, I'm still oddly curious about this whole thing. Rest assured...this isn't me going soft or losing taste, so get off your soapboxes, Men-hating acquaintances of mine. I'm just like anyone else in the presence of a car crash...I can't look away.

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THESE ARE BLURBS

Further scattered thoughts about the new Two and a Half Men...

• It's abundantly clear the studio audience didn't really know how to take the first half of the episode either, as evidenced by the blatant laugh-track used from the funeral up to the moments before Kutcher's arrival, which elicited the first genuine reaction, it would seem.
• WALDEN (on the app Microsoft bought from him): "They bundled it with their [air-quotes] 'iPod killer', the Zune."
  ALAN: "Huh. Nothing ever came with my Zune."
  WALDEN: "...You bought a Zune?"
  I will never not laugh at a Zune joke.
• I don't mean to sound dense...but was Ashton actually nude during that last scene? The studio audience's reaction was a little too strong for someone wearing a "cock sock".
• TWO AND A HALF MEN AIRS MONDAY NIGHTS AT 9pm EST ON CBS!

******************

...and so ends that experiment.

Join me again later today for a look at CBS' 2 Broke Girls and later-still, a look at NBC's The Playboy Club.

Until then, I'll bet he was there.