The Fall of Broadcast Television 2011: FOX

Welcome back, kids!

My in-depth look at the 2011 network upfronts continues today with this year's new selections from the former butt of many-a-Simpsons joke and current envy of almost all other networks, FOX!

Before I get to it, though, a quick reminder of what's coming up as the week progresses here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms":

• ABC, tomorrow (May 20)
• CBS/(maybe) The CW, Saturday (May 21)
• a comprehensive recap of the entire Fall schedule slate, Sunday (May 22)

We good?--Alright, let's get going. (Once again, new shows will be in ALL CAPS, and schedule changes will be denoted by italics.)

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MONDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-9pm - TERRA NOVA

9-10pm - House

(post-Midseason)

8-9pm - House

9-10pm - ALCATRAZ

TERRA NOVA: Perhaps the biggest financial gamble of the fall is this family sci-fi/drama from ELEVEN(!) executive producers that include Steven Spielberg, David Fury (best known for his work on Angel and Lost), Brannon Braga (who's been involved in pretty much every televised Star Trek production since The Next Generation), and Jon Cassar (the most-recurring director on FOX's former smash 24). With that hefty list of names comes a hefty budget: $16 Million on the pilot alone; and to take a look at that trailer, it comes as no surprise. Originally slated to premiere this month in a cushy post-American Idol timeslot--where it would have flourished, because let's face it; anything you put there will--this ambitious series moved its debut to September to allow for some finishing touches on its numerous CGI effects. The big question now: will it have been worth it? Its Fall follow-up, House has taken a pretty sizable hit in the ratings over the past two seasons; so much so that it was very nearly put to rest a few weeks ago (at which point, it almost went to NBC--how about that?). Will the viewers help balance out costs, and more pertinently, should they?--Well, let's see. We've got a fairly attractive cast of basically unknowns, time travel, CGI dinosaurs, guns, Stephen Lang pretty much reprising his role from Avatar...I mean...it's got some enticing facets for a pretty wide array of viewers...but does it do anything for me?--Well...

MY VERDICT: ...not really. A big budget doesn't always mean big rewards are a sure thing, and it also doesn't make up for a pretty uninteresting premise (beyond the initial burst of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey goodness). I'll certainly watch the pilot--because let's face it; it pretty much demands that we all do--but if there isn't anything to wow me once hour 1 is up...yeesh.

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ALCATRAZ: There are many of us for whom the words "From Executive Producer J.J. Abrams" are an immediate signal that shit is about to get REAL. Call me a little gun-shy after the blandness--sexy though it was--of his return to the spy game with last year's NBC flop Undercovers, but I might need a little more convincing on this one. To be fair, it just might be able to do it, because it's got the trappings of every great Bad Robot production that came before it: mysterious possibly (let's face it--definitely) supernatural elements that set the plot in motion, an amazing cast (SAM NEILL! HURLEY! HEY, WAS THAT MARTIN FREEMAN?--I'M NOT SURE BUT I'M STILL GOING TO TYPE IN CAPS ABOUT IT!), and even with just this trailer, LAYERS UPON LAYERS of questions to be answered. Plus, with the recent shocker renewal of his cult favorite Fringe, it seems J.J. and Co. may have shifted their loyalties away from ABC in favor of today's network du jour. In short, my friends...

MY VERDICT: ...I'll certainly give it a shot. I'm willing to believe Undercovers (like Six Degrees before it) was just a rare misstep for the folks at Bad Robot; and with Super 8 looking to be a true classic-in-the-making this summer, this could be the thing that makes me forget that time Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Recreation played Marshall Flinkman for a season on NBC. Wow me, J.J. Wow me good. (SUGGESTIVE!)

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TUESDAY:

8-9pm - Glee

9-9:30pm - NEW GIRL

9:30-10pm - Raising Hope

NEW GIRL: Get out your Smiths mixtapes, kids! Zooey Deschanel's on the TV! ...Okay, now that I got that out of my system, I have to admit; that was INCREDIBLY charming. Because for all the snide comments we've ALL made about everyone's favorite hipster darling, I've been eagerly awaiting the moment when she would bust out of her quiet, mousy, jazz-crooning shell and give me something unexpected again. Casting her as--basically--an unemployed Liz Lemon in her late '20s definitely fits that bill. Admittedly, it's in the middle of a pretty worn premise with a cast of co-stars who I would swear in court are the entire male portion of the cast of ABC's inexplicably just-renewed Happy Endings (Damon Wayans, Jr., for certain) and what appears to be the exact same set to boot, but somehow that totally just worked for me. Hey, I freely admit it could stagnate immediately, but for now (believe it or not)...

MY VERDICT: ...I'm in. Let's see where this goes.

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WEDNESDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-9:30pm - THE X FACTOR*

9:30-10pm - I HATE MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER

(post-Midseason)

8-9:30pm - American Idol

9:30-10pm - I Hate My Teenage Daughter

*I won't be covering The X Factor because (1) I certainly won't be watching it and (2) we all know EXACTLY what we're getting into with that, so what's the point?

I HATE MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER: ...Yikes. Here's the thing. I'm only 24 and I already pretty heartily despise the under-18 set. I don't need painful pseudo-comical misadventures with, albeit, a pretty likable cast to remind me of that every week. The fact of the matter is though, this show will be HUGE; and it'll be 100% a matter of timeslot. If you put something after American Idol (or in this case, the new but exactly the same The X Factor), it WILL be a hit. Past examples include House, Raising Hope, and (God help us) Glee. Now, I'll try to be fair. There is a slim chance that I'd off-handedly give this a shot, and once again, it's all about cast. Jamie Pressly spent four years on My Name Is Earl proving herself a great undiscovered comedic talent and came away with an Emmy for her troubles. This Katie Finneran lady...I've never heard of her, but she was responsible for the vast majority of genuine laughs I got from this trailer. She seems to have the broad comic timing of a slightly less off-putting Ana Gasteyer, and I dig that. So, where do I stand?

MY VERDICT: I certainly won't make a big point of seeking it out, but I can see where this show could be enjoyable. Maybe I'll stumble on it out of boredom one day on Hulu and get a few chuckles, but other than that, we're good right here.

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THURSDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-9pm - The X Factor

9-10pm - Bones

(post-Midseason)

8-9pm - American Idol

9-10pm - THE FINDER (with Bones returning in late Spring)

THE FINDER: So, let me just get this out of the way. I've never seen a single episode of Bones and I REALLY don't care for Geoff Stults...so right there, for me, this show already has a pretty big handicap to overcome. From what I understand though, its got another hurdle to jump in a pretty fair number of Bones fans who have been so vocally uninterested in this show, The A.V. Club has taken to referring to it as "the spinoff NO ONE asked for". I mean, I know I've got my "verdict" to give a few sentences from now, but I'll go ahead and tell you: there's very little chance I'll be watching this show. Not that it doesn't look charming (it does) and not that I don't love me some Michael Clarke Duncan (because let's face it; we all do), but I just have no stakes in this show at all. If you do, God bless, but for me...

MY VERDICT: ...no thanks. No thanks.

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FRIDAY:

8-9pm - Kitchen Nightmares

9-10pm - Fringe

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SATURDAY:

8-8:30pm - Cops

8:30-9pm - Cops

9-10pm - Encores/America's Most Wanted specials

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SUNDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

7-7:30pm - The OT (Fox's NFL post-game show)

7:30-8pm - The Cleveland Show

8-8:30pm - The Simpsons

8:30-9pm - ALLEN GREGORY

9-9:30pm - Family Guy

9:30-10pm - American Dad!

(post-Midseason)

7-7:30pm - Animated Encores

7:30-8pm - The Cleveland Show

8pm-8:30pm - The Simpsons

8:30-9pm - NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

9pm-9:30pm - Family Guy

9:30-10pm - Bob's Burgers

ALLEN GREGORY: I can definitely see where people might disagree, but that TOTALLY worked for me. I dig the animation style. I dig the sense of humor. I dig the cast (Jonah Hill, Will Forte, Leslie Mann, etc.)...but once again, I can completely see where people would be turned off by this. The fact is Jonah Hill is--to more and more people, it seems--the poor man's pre-Green Hornet-physique Seth Rogen; he's a tad overexposed and has his fingers in a lot of proverbial pies right now. I don't mind him, and I think his voice suits this character very well. To be fair, he DID co-create this show, so he knew what he was doing, but still, I dig it. I won't deny it; there's a pretty decent chance this will be another Sit Down, Shut Up, where a few promising names and a humorous trailer belied what was a pretty damned unfunny show, but for right now, come September...

MY VERDICT: ...I'm in...or I should say, I'm certainly more in for this than what you're about to see next.

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NAPOLEON DYNAMITE: I have a pretty unique relationship with Napoleon Dynamite (the 2004 film). When I first saw ads for it during the 2004 MTV Movie Awards, I knew I'd love it. It was just the right amount of indie weird for my tastes. It took until late October of that year for it to finally show up at a SINGLE theatre in my local area, and I had a memorable Saturday night laughing my ass off at the citizens of Preston, Idaho. (The milk scene at the 4-H event still slays me.) The following week, I returned to school RAVING about this unique and hilarious film I'd seen the weekend before, only for people to scoff and dismiss me. (I had yet to have developed a reputation--not to incorrectly toot my own horn--as a tastemaker.) Three months later, the movie hit DVD, and after Christmas Break...FUCK. I walked into a sea of "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts and a cacophony of people indignantly scoffing, "GOSH! IDIOT! EAT THE FOOD!". ...It was a shitty time. I stand by my story to this day that I was the first person in my high school to see the film, and moreover, I'd still be willing to bet that over half of the people wearing those shirts and yelling those quotes had NEVER FUCKING SEEN IT. Over the years, my sour grapes at that whole experience have weakened my relationship with the film, and only very recently have I found myself watching re-airings of it on Comedy Central with the same kind of delight I had that fateful October night in 2004. ALL OF THAT BEING SAID...I've known there was an animated series in the works for about two years now, and to be fair, it doesn't look all that bad...BUT(!), I--like a lot of people out there--just don't see the point of all this. It will have been EIGHT YEARS since the film's release by the time this show hits the airwaves. Near as I can tell--in that time--it's either been forgotten or lost a lot of goodwill from people who started to see through the bullshit, like I did all those years ago. Granted, it's still feels slightly less unnecessary than the oft-threatened TBS animated series based on Joe Dirt, but it all still feels very wrong somehow.

MY VERDICT: I--like a lot of people out there--will watch the pilot out of pure morbid curiosity, and you know, I won't dispute that I might end up enjoying it...but still...wow. Just fucking wow.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

I won't lie to you, folks. I haven't really had a big stake in the FOX Network's output in some time now. There are no shows I watch regularly on it (not even DVRed), and what we've just seen doesn't look like it's really going to challenge that. In the interest of fairness however, let's break it down by genre.

In terms of live-action comedy, I'm giving the edge to New Girl. I've spent the past few years--particularly after realizing how much I fucking despised 500 Days of Summer--like a lot of people, on the Zooey Deschanel Hate Train. It's been a pretty sad experience, considering I'd enjoyed her for many years in things like Almost Famous, Big Trouble, and Elf, but I did and still do see exactly where we were/are all coming from. She basically fell into the trap of being the female Michael Cera for a while and I really believe this could be her Scott Pilgrim; the thing that breaks her from that stigma and gets her back in the good graces of the more stodgy of my fellow nerds. It certainly looks better than I Hate My Teenage Daughter, that's for damned sure.

On the animated front, I want to give the advantage to Allen Gregory but I know--despite all our hand-wringing--that Napoleon Dynamite is going to attract a far bigger audience than any of us think it will/should. The t-shirts may be gone, but I think morbid curiosity, coupled with a generation who often completely miss the point are going to make it a mainstay of FOX's Sunday night line-up...for a while at least. I'll keep my fingers crossed that Allen wins the day, though.

Lastly, we come to drama. I stand by my prediction that Terra Nova has the potential to take a very notable (and expensive) shit in the ratings. I actually quite enjoy being proven wrong, but it just seems too cut-and-dried/procedural--CGI dinosaurs notwithstanding--to keep the audiences coming, especially with that timeslot. Once again, The Finder means nothing to me, so it comes down to Alcatraz. It'll have a steep ratings battle on its hands too, but J.J. Abrams and the folks at Bad Robot have surprised us all before, and I look forward to them pulling it off again.

...and one final note. The cancellation--save for a few alleged "quarterly specials"--of America's Most Wanted saddens me deeply. When a show has made such a commendable difference to our society, has ZERO competition in the ratings, and has been a consistent mainstay of your network since (pretty much) its very inception, there is no logic in cutting it loose; ESPECIALLY when you have NOTHING to put in its place. Bad form, FOX. Bad fucking form.

...and that'll do it for today, kids. I made a point of starting this last night, so my brain isn't quite as fried as it was yesterday. I want to thank those of you who've sent me your comments; they are greatly appreciated. Keep 'em coming and please, TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

Join me tomorrow as I tackle the plentiful (and plenty-awful) Fall output from the folks over at ABC.

Until then, this one tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.

GOODBYE! HAVE A GOO' TIME!

The Fall of Broadcast Television 2011: NBC

As promised, I'll be kicking off my opinionated reign here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" with the most pertinent entertainment event this week: the network upfronts. Over the next five days, I'll be taking you through each network's 2011-2012 primetime offerings, and if you've randomly got a preference, here's the tentative schedule:

• NBC, immediately following this somewhat unnecessary intro
• FOX, tomorrow (May 19)
• ABC, Friday (May 20)
• CBS/The CW, Saturday (May 21)
• ...and finally, a collective analytic recap of the whole network playing field on Sunday (May 22)

...and now that we've got all that noise out of the way. Let's talk the Peacock. Allow me to take you by the hand and lead you on a journey through the week, with brief stops to talk about the new arrivals. (New shows in ALL CAPS, schedule changes in italics.)

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MONDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-10pm - The Sing-Off

10-11pm - THE PLAYBOY CLUB

(post-Midseason)

8-10pm - The Voice

10-11pm - SMASH

THE PLAYBOY CLUB: I'm right there with you, dear reader. I'm not sure I'm ready to accept Eddie Cibrian--dreamy though he may be--as network TV's first pseudo-Draper, but as far as the two big attempts to bring something Mad Men-esque to the broadcast fold go--the other being ABC's Pan Am--I'm putting my money on Hef (and hoping they cast well for the big guy's inevitable younger-self cameo). Speaking non-parenthetically about casting, there are a few highlights here. The aforementioned Cibrian was the leading man of ABC's Invasion back in 2005, a show I miss dearly and on which I enjoyed his presence. Amber Heard (of Zombieland and Pineapple Express fame) appears to be our central bunny, and has proven herself charming and pleasing to look at. However, I'm most excited about the presence of David Krumholtz as the club's general manager. Thus far, all we know of the character is that he's constantly "at odds" with Carol-Lynne, the presumable Betty Draper of our piece (played by Laura Benati...yeah, I don't know either), but the point is, I always welcome the presence of the man I came to know as Bernard the Elf. Don't know how I feel yet about the American Dreams-esque casting of known actors of today in the roles of '60s music artists (I believe that's the late Bernie Mac's former TV wife Kellita Smith lip-synching as Tina Turner in the trailer above), but if handled correctly, it could be the recurring facet of the show that keeps the audience coming.

MY VERDICT: I'm in.

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SMASH: ...Eep. You know, I grew up loving musicals; as both a viewer and a performer. Singin' in the Rain, My Fair Lady, and Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical rank very highly with me and a large number of their and other original cast recordings make up a decent chunk of my iTunes library. Two years ago, something terrible happened; something terrible called Glee. After what may have been the most promising pilot I've ever seen, the inexplicably-to-me beloved FOX hit quickly stopped being the Election-style satire I'd fallen in love with and became what it's been ever since: a poorly-written, primetime High School [Jukebox] Musical with a pregnant cheerleader and a truly Emmy-deserving performance from the great Jane Lynch. (No matter what I may ever say about that show, she remains AMAZING.) Couple that with the sour taste left in most of America's mouths by the mere existence of Burlesque, and you might understand why when I heard that there were not one but TWO musical pilots in production for the fall, my immediate reaction was a decided "Oh, for fuck's sake." Thankfully for us, as far as has been made known, ABC's entry into this madness--a bizarre southern soap satire from Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry that featured a gospel choir narrating the action like a Greek chorus--has been shelved indefinitely...which leaves us with this. Smash. [sigh] ...Well, I'll say this. The above trailer certainly didn't induce the kind of cringes I expected to endure--except for the delightful Katherine McPhee's take on Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful", a song that we should have put a general moratorium on about a minute after it was released all those years ago--and it has a few things indisputably going for it. The aforementioned McPhee has pretty much been alright in my book since her guest-starring turn on Community back in its first (and superior--we'll talk later) season. Anjelica Huston--who I'd be willing to bet is in the pilot and nothing more--is always a welcome face on my screen. However, in terms of this cast, the one who's really caught my eye is Broadway darling Megan Hilty, seen in the above trailer as the stage veteran who already looks BEYOND the part of Marilyn. I stumbled on some production photos of the pilot a few months back and caught my first look at her. Oh, yes. Swooning did happen. As for Debra Messing...I could take her or leave her, but I'd be willing to bet that's most people's thought on the matter. In terms of the show itself, the one thing that might pique my curiosity just enough to catch the pilot in January is the story. Near as I could gather, we're looking at a multi-season arc about the creation of a Broadway musical from the ground up. As a longtime theatre nerd, I think that could make for some pretty fascinating television. My only request at this point: keep the musical numbers relevant in context with the scene. The mood lighting that appeared behind Katherine McPhee just then got me REALLY nervous. Just saying.

MY VERDICT: I'll probably watch the pilot on Hulu, and then we'll see from there.

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TUESDAY:

8-10pm - The Biggest Loser

10-11pm - Parenthood

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WEDNESDAY:

8-8:30pm - UP ALL NIGHT

8:30-9pm - FREE AGENTS

9-10pm - Harry's Law

10pm-11pm - Law & Order: SVU

UP ALL NIGHT: For a show made by and of people I adore, this couldn't look more unimpressive. ...Honestly, I have very little more to say here. Great cast, great pedigree with Lorne Michaels in the mix, created/written by Parks and Recreation writer/producer--and a graduate of my alma mater, UNC Greensboro--Emily Spivey...but...yep. That's about it. If this is how NBC is trying to create a comedy block on Wednesday nights...I just don't know.

MY VERDICT: I'll watch the pilot for the cast/writer and cross my fingers to be surprised. Otherwise, I don't expect I'll be prioritizing this one.

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FREE AGENTS: Also coming to Wednesday nights, it's the first of NBC's two new American remakes of a U.K. series this season, and judging by that trailer, on a meter that ranges from the disastrous Coupling remake (a mistake this network still hasn't lived down) to the long-since-proven-awesome American take on The Office...I think this just may fall closer to the latter, which is very good news indeed. I should first note that this show comes to us from one of the co-creators of the late, beloved Starz series Party Down, and then ask the easy question: Who doesn't love Hank Azaria? I've been jonesing for him to get his big starring break on network TV (in live-action form, of course) for quite a long time. Kathryn Hahn--seen here as our female romantic lead--has been a delightful presence in comedy for a while now, with memorable turns in Anchorman and especially Step Brothers as Adam Scott's sexually repressed wife who spends the bulk of the film attempting to seduce John C. Reilly. ...and then there's the real draw: ANTHONY FUCKING STEWART FUCKING HEAD. The man who will live forever in the hearts of nerds everywhere as TV's Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is actually reprising the role he originated in the original British Free Agents, and looks to be the oft-inappropriate man-whore-with-a-heart-of-gold boss that we've seen with Matt Berry's Douglas Reynholm on one of my favorites, The IT Crowd. Toss in a supporting cast that includes recently-appointed Daily Show Senior Latino Correspondent and beloved up-and-coming comedian Al Madrigal, The State alum Joe Lo Truglio, and Chelsea Lately regular Natasha Leggero (the first figure of the E! host's invasion of NBC primetime--more to come) and I have to say, I look forward to laughing hard and often (as I did during this trailer) in September.

MY VERDICT: I'm in.

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THURSDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-8:30pm - Community

8:30-9pm - Parks and Recreation

9-9:30pm - The Office

9:30-10pm - WHITNEY

10pm-11pm - PRIME SUSPECT

(Midseason)

Timeslot TBA - 30 Rock

WHITNEY: Wow. What a difference two days and 3 and a half minutes more footage can do. On Sunday night, when this schedule was first announced, it was accompanied not by the long trailers you're seeing here, but by 30-second demos of sorts...and let me tell you...they weren't pretty. Now, with a longer look--because let's face it; you probably pretty much just watched the Cliff Notes version of what will be the pilot--I'm a bit more optimistic on this, the first of the Peacock's two attempts to get back into the multi-camera comedy game. Most of you probably know the title star of this series Whitney Cummings from her regular appearances on Chelsea Lately (the invasion continues) and her enjoyable turns on the last few Comedy Central Roasts. She's charming enough that I think I could stand to watch her get into shenanigans for 22 minutes each week. As for the rest of the cast, I only know Maulik Pancholy, who'll be presumably filling his time here until he returns to 30 Rock as Jack Donaghy's obsessive assistant Jonathan in January. One thing though: the laugh track NEEDS TO DIE. It's the 21st century. Either get a studio audience or make it single-camera. Boom.

MY VERDICT: It surprises even me, but I'm in for at least the pilot with hope for more.

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PRIME SUSPECT: To take a high-profile title from British television and put it in American hands is always a gamble. Sometimes you win (see: The Office, most of Norman Lear's output in the '70s), sometimes you lose...HARD (see: the aforementioned Coupling, the unaired American IT Crowd pilot starring Joel McHale). This could go either way. First, consider the source. Prime Suspect--best known to American audiences via PBS' Masterpiece Theatre--is the show that truly begat the career of the great Dame Helen Mirren back in 1991, and featured co-starring roles for such well-known modern British screen figures as Tom Wilkinson, Ralph Fiennes, David Thewlis, and Mark Strong (and that's still barely scratching the surface). In many ways, this is an even bigger gamble than Jeff Zucker took back in 2003 with Coupling. Its failure is--in many ways--only legendary because it was groomed so vigorously to be the heir apparent to the then-on-its-way-out Friends. Some have theorized that it--along with the failure of Joey a season later--were almost single-handedly responsible for the ongoing downfall of the network. Now, here we are with the network sitting steadily at #4 and not looking to move higher anytime soon. Failure is not remotely an option anymore. So...ALL OF THAT BEING SAID...let's see what we have here. Hmmm. Eep...and yet...hmmm...maybe. Let's start from the top. Maria Bello is coming off a pretty solid decade of being a darling of the indie film set with pretty notable turns in films like Thank You For Smoking and A History of Violence. She's most recently coming off of being the sorely-missed Rachel Weisz' replacement in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I'll be honest. I've never been much of a fan. She always struck me as a slightly less off-putting Julie Bowen and not much more...but in a weird way, what she's working with here kind of makes me root for her. My God, the gender war we're presented here is such an antiquated story device, it's almost offensive. I'm sure the argument can be made that such politics are still in play in the workplace and especially in law enforcement (as I can attest having pretty much never seen a female officer in my local police or Sheriff's departments). My only wish here is that that particular facet is pretty much quelled by the end of our pilot, which, if this trailer is any indication, it just may be; and this would be very good news, indeed, because everything else about this trailer intrigues the BLUE FUCK out of me. I'm a big fan of strong women, and Bello's Jane Timoney appears to be pretty hardcore. Let me just put it this way. They had me at: "I would kill him with this." "I would help you." ...I dig it.

MY VERDICT: If the gender politics angle dies down pretty quickly, this could be the gritty, cable-style police drama the networks have needed for THE LONGEST TIME. I look forward to seeing what happens.

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FRIDAY:

8-9pm - Chuck

9-10pm - GRIMM

10-11pm - Dateline NBC

GRIMM: Much like the aforementioned Whitney, this--one of two "fairy tales are real" series on the network schedules this Fall--had a pretty grim 30-second preview clip on Sunday. (Pun definitely intended.) Also like Whitney, giving Grimm about three more minutes to show me what it's made of proved beneficial. While sci-fi and fantasy are still somewhat notable presences on the networks right now, there hasn't been a good people-in-demonic-makeup/monster-of-the-week action series on broadcast television since the end of Angel; a show with which Grimm shares a co-creator/executive producer in David Greenwalt. (Another of the Exec Producers: Sean "Jack McFarland" Hayes. Say WHAT?!) Now, I'll be honest with you. Regarding this cast, I know who almost none of these people are; with the lone exception of Sasha Roiz, fresh off his role as Sam Adama on SyFy's late Battlestar Galactica prequel Caprica. As for the story (which I'll admit; this trailer doesn't make clear enough), our premise suggests that the godfathers of fairy tale fiction the Brothers Grimm were the first in a bloodline of descendants who could see the supernatural in the everyday. As generations went on, the Grimms were called upon to be...well, basically the Slayer. ...You know, when you just say it like that, it sounds incredibly stupid, but like I said, this trailer sold me a lot better than my first look on Sunday. Although, whoever thought of casting longtime character comedian and actor Tim Bagley as the Big Bad Wolf in the pilot...what the fuck?

MY VERDICT: Eh, I'll give it a shot. It'll be coming on right after the returning "Chuck" (YAY!) on its new night (in its final 13-episode season), so why not?

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SATURDAY:

8-11pm - Repeats/Movies

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SUNDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

7-8:15pm - Football Night in America

8:15-11:30pm - NBC Sunday Night Football

(post-Midseason)

7-8pm - Dateline NBC

8-10pm - The Celebrity Apprentice

10-11pm - THE FIRM

THE FIRM: Umm...well...not much to say here. As of yet, this inexplicable television adaptation of one of author John Grisham's most famous works--an astonishing nearly TWO DECADES after its strongest relevance--exists solely as an idea. Not a single casting announcement has been made. We know little more of the story than it will follow Mitch and Abby McDeere (played by Tom Cruise and Jeanne Tripplehorn respectively in the 1993 film) a decade after their harrowing experience in the novel/film. So...yeah. Okay.

MY VERDICT: TBD. Done.

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MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD)

ARE YOU THERE, VODKA? IT'S ME, CHELSEA: (THE INVASION IS COMPLETE.) So, I'll be honest. There was about a two-year period when I was a fairly regular viewer of Chelsea Handler's immensely popular (for cable, at least) E! late night talk show Chelsea Lately. If it hasn't been made abundantly clear on this blog (or if you don't know me), I can be a pretty catty bitch, especially when it comes to pop culture, so Chelsea was pretty much right up my alley. Sometime last summer...I don't know what it was, but I just wasn't feeling her anymore. It wasn't about how she got the job, her love for Modern Family (ugh--once again, we'll talk later), or her close ties to Jay Leno. I just wasn't digging the Chelsea Handler experience anymore. A few months later, a wonderful podcast by the name of Hollywood Babble-On premiered on Kevin Smith's SModcast Podcast Network, starring the beloved indie director (and my hero, as you'll quickly learn) himself and beloved radio personality/voice actor Ralph Garman. Over the course of their weekly chats about the goings on in the entertainment industry, it became abundantly and hilariously clear that Ralph Garman FUCKING HATES Chelsea Handler. He routinely refers to her as "that talentless cunt", to the delight of the live audience at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in Los Angeles, and has even inspired a following of listeners sympathetic to his cause known as "The Garmy". As a fan of Ralph's--but perhaps not as militantly--I've become a proud recruit into his "Garmy"; chuckling at all the barbs he lobs at the E! star on a pretty regular basis. So, long story short (too late!), my feelings on this show's creator and recurring co-star are a little under lukewarm right now. This only informs my opinion somewhat, though, because outside of her bizarre brunette role as her own sister, this isn't Chelsea's show. It belongs to Laura Prepon, who I enjoyed for 7 seasons (I disregard the existence of Season 8) on That '70s Show. Near as I can tell, TV's Donna Pinciotti is just as charming and enjoyable here, so we're good there. On the co-star front, there's a lot to talk about. There's the aforementioned Handler herself, along with Chelsea Lately regular Jo Koy, beloved comedian and Denis Leary's best friend Lenny Clarke, and newcomer Lauren Lapkus. HOWEVER(!), if there is one name on the cast list that just might have the power to bring me back to this show on a fairly regular basis, it would be the former star of one of my all-time favorite shows--ABC Family's unjustly-cancelled The Middleman, which I urge ALL OF YOU to go find and watch RIGHT THE FUCK NOW--Natalie Morales. Now, would I rather the once (and future in my heart) Wendy Watson just keep her recurring gig as Tom Haverford's on again/off again girlfriend on my beloved Parks and Recreation?--You bet your sweet ass, I would...but in this economy, I'll take my Natalie Morales where I can get it, and I suggest you all do, too. As for the show itself, much like Chelsea Lately regular Whitney Cummings' aforementioned offering, I need them to LOSE THAT LAUGH TRACK. I reiterate: if you're going to do multi-camera, get a studio audience or don't do multi-camera at all. It's just that fucking simple. Other than that, I won't deny it; I giggled a few times watching this trailer. In many ways, it took me back to a beloved mid-'90s NBC series some of you'll remember called Jesse, which starred Christina Applegate in her first major post-Married... with Children role, so yes, happy thoughts. As it's a midseason replacement (much like last year's quickly disposed-of--and rightly so--100 Questions), I'm not going to say much more. Honestly, who's to say this ever sees the light of day? If Ralph Garman has his way, we won't...and I will laugh.

MY VERDICT: If we see it, I'll come out of curiosity, but stay for Natalie Morales. 'Nuff said.

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BENT: ...and here we arrive at the one pilot that--before I watched that trailer--I knew pretty much ZERO about. Let's face it. The "slacker guy meets responsible woman and they teach each other the value of being a responsible man and a slacker woman" story has been done not just to death, but has been reincarnated as a tree somewhere in Iowa. If anything is going to attract audiences (including myself) here, it's the cast. I've been on pretty good terms with Amanda Peet ever since Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (and a few cable reruns of Saving Silverman and The Whole Nine Yards), so we're good there. I like this David Walton fellow, most notably for his thankless role as the lone character with any interesting personality on the thankfully-cancelled Perfect Couples. Once again though, they hooked me with a big one. JEFFREY FUCKING TAMBOR. GEORGE FUCKING BLUTH FUCKING SENIOR. HANK FUCKING "HEY" FUCKING "NOW!" KINGSLEY. ...FUCKING. Just as I tuned in for the entire first season of The CW's pretty blah 90210 sequel back in 2008 for Jessica Walter, I'll certainly give this a shot for some Tambor. The man, regardless of the environment, can do no wrong. Otherwise, this looks as bland as dry toast and unsweetened tea at a roadside diner.

MY VERDICT: It's all about Tambor. We'll see what happens from there.

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AWAKE: ...and finally, the trailer that just made me have to stop, take a deep breath and say, "WHOA." I had vaguely heard of the basic premise of this show a few weeks back when it was still up in the air as to whether it would be picked up. Having just seen this trailer...I have to say...I am fucking STUNNED this isn't on the Fall schedule. How do you take one of the most original premises I've heard of in A LONG FUCKING TIME and say, "Ah, we'll keep this around for if Grimm tanks" or somesuch? ...and WHAT A CAST. Lucius Malfoy himself, Jason Isaacs (who looks a ridiculous amount like Daniel Craig when cleanshaven with short hair) is your lead here, giving what I already want to call an Emmy-winning performance. We have beloved character actors Cherry Jones (of 24 fame) and longtime Law & Order stalwart B.D. Wong as the therapists in each reality. We have supporting roles from The Practice's Steve Harris and Fez himself, Wilmer Valderrama. I think the one question I can ask is...WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THIS SHOW RIGHT THE FUCK NOW?

MY VERDICT: Out of nowhere, here comes my most-anticipated new show of the year. I don't understand your logic, NBC...but by God, if I don't see this by next May AND if you don't give it a fair shake when/if it airs...we are DONE professionally. Jesus tap-dancing Christ.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

You'll have to excuse me. I'm still REELING from the Awake trailer. My God, what an idea. ...Ahem. ...Okay. Let's talk generalities.

On the comedy front, the prospects are a real toss-up. Given the subjective nature of the genre, I'll reserve full judgment for when these series premiere in September-ish, but right now, I'm honestly putting my full support behind Free Agents and kind of out of nowhere, Whitney. Up All Night might draw some curious numbers for its pilot based solely on the cast and the names at the head of it, but if it's as blah as that trailer, I think Will Arnett may need to prepare for a little time spent as a real-life stay-at-home dad, while Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph can go star in a Judd Apatow comedy together (which let's be honest, (1) isn't too farfetched and (2) would probably be AWESOME). Chelsea (because I'm not typing that cumbersome title again) could go somewhere if it hits the airwaves, but for me, it'll be all about Wendy Watson and that's that. I should note that there was one more midseason comedy announced called Best Friends Forever, but thankfully there's been no video released, because on its premise alone it sounds like such bland, repetitive dreck that you should thank me for not regaling you with it.

On the drama front...once again, HOLY BALLS, AWAKE. I just feel that if we were so lucky as to dodge the bullet made of terrible that was, by all accounts, David E. Kelley's Wonder Woman, they should have made room for this one. I genuinely lost almost all interest in every other drama pilot on this network's fall schedule when I watched that trailer mere minutes ago. If by some horrible twist of fate/bad decision-making Awake DOESN'T make it to air, I'll be putting the limpest of weight behind The Playboy Club, Prime Suspect, and to a lesser extent, Grimm and Smash. Seriously though, NBC. Awake is your ticket back to greatness, just as Lost was for ABC back in 2004. THINK ABOUT THIS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

...and believe it or not, that took (cumulatively) about eight hours to write. Please reward my effort with comments, compliments, love, what-have-you below, and join me here again tomorrow as I take you on a similarly long-winded journey through the Fall 2011 offerings of the home of America's biggest shows, the FOX Network.

Until then, seriously, HOLY SHIT. FUCKING AWAKE.

Lemon out.

"It was just a mission statement."

Over the past eight years on the first entries of countless unfinished blogs, I've harkened back to that moment seven minutes into Cameron Crowe's Jerry Maguire in which a before-we-knew-he-was-a-Scientologist-nutbird Tom Cruise spends a restless night in a Miami hotel room rattling off the document that will define the rest of his life. (FUN FACT: As I discovered tonight, Crowe made the full, never-before-seen text of "The Things We Think and Do Not Say" available online in 2003.) I've rather pretentiously led myself to believe on a number of occasions that the thought of me broadcasting the minute details of my life were going to be some game-changing event for the circles of the internet that surround me; the kind of game-changing event that gets our leading man fired from Sports Entertainment International to the derisive grins of Jay Mohr and an oft-unnoticed Donal Logue and sends him onto an elevator with only a well-mannered goldfish and an adorable young single mom Renee Zellweger--before her face started collapsing into itself--showing their support. With the advent of Facebook and Twitter, putting the minutiae of one's existence out into the world ceased being the goal of everybody with a modem and too much free time and simply became the natural order.

Late last year, something happened.

I watched in horror as a family conflict of the whitest-trash caliber was broadcast to an unsuspecting audience of Facebook "friends", and suddenly I realized I didn't want to be my own personal P.R. firm anymore. Rest assured, I don't mean this as an offensive dig at any and everyone who subscribes to any of the many beloved social networks. I just realized it's not for me. Gradually, I shifted my networking skills to the thing that has always kept me sane: entertainment.

My Twitter and Facebook feeds became my place to share the latest movie trailers, A.V. Club reviews, superhero movie casting revelations, and "Doctor Who" episode previews. It felt good. No. It felt fucking GREAT. (Right there is when I realized I should post that disclaimer at the top of the page. That's how that happened.)

In doing so, I felt a rush I hadn't felt since I was violently ripped from the city I called home for the better part of five years; from the family of friends I'd made in that time. (You might call it college graduation. I call it forced relocation.) I felt a sense of community. I'd found a means to keep all these connections alive; in the one place I'd always found hope: on movie and television screens, in the verses of songs, in the panels of comics, and the pages of books. Even though I was three hours away from the bulk of the people who've made me feel happy and loved over the years, I felt a sense of home.

Over the past few months though, that home has gotten a little too small to house all my pop culture ramblings. There is a long missive on the downfall of my once-favorite network sitcom; a missive that could lead to an episode-by-episode analysis of where exactly I believe it all went wrong. There are network-by-network analyses of the recently-announced Fall 2011 television schedules. There are movie reviews about the summer's biggest releases, and maybe even some little-known indie flicks viewed in a room full of elderly out-of-towners. These are all things you can come to expect--as soon as tomorrow--here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms"; and as this is a so-called "mission statement", how about a few more?

For one, I make it my solemn vow to never make you, the reader feel less than you are just because you and I disagree on something. (I'll leave that to Television Without Pity and the A.V. Club comments section.) Rest assured, we will disagree. Probably quite often, but I will NEVER say anything to the effect of "You aren't a person if you don't like this movie." I've been given that kind of treatment before and it's the reason why I have such hard feelings toward certain beloved entertainment figures. (Here's looking at you, Modern Family.)

On a related note, I will do my best to NEVER suggest that just because I'm someone who takes the time to write overlong treatises on pop culture, I know better than the reader. One of my greatest pleasures in this world is being introduced--and often educated--on the ways of entertainment by my nearest and dearest; and since my nearest and dearest will be the primary audience here at the start, I welcome your feedback with the openest of arms.

Finally, let me apologize for how wordy, narcissistic, and overly self-important that all read. It's merely a product of the stream of consciousness that led to all these words hitting my screen.

It went a little something like this:

alright I found my title let's write hey it's another blog let's do the Jerry Maguire thing again ooh I should find a picture of the mission statement scene ooh I really want to watch Jerry Maguire now I'll put it in the DVD player hey that's a young drake bell and hey that's Toby Huss ooh I had no idea the full text of the mission statement was online typing typing typing god I'm coming off like a bloated douchenozzle ha show me the money he won the hell out of that oscar typing typing typing hello nephew have a seat and we'll finish watching that Simpsons episode we were watching on Hulu oh hey your grandma's home ooh a cup of ice typing typing typing hey let's end this with the stream of consciousness that led to this whole thing hey I'm pretty clever ugh I'm such a douche I should apologize again

So, yeah, I'm sorry once again. As you can see, my mind is constantly running, and I thank you for giving me a place to let it rest every now and again.

Welcome to "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms". This shit is about to get real.