Pilot Inspektor: "Whitney"

Let's dance, kids.

Back again in record time, it's "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms", welcoming you back to my ongoing look at the most jam-packed day of new programming so far in this, the 2011-2012 television season.

Mere hours ago, I brought you my look at CBS new nerd-friendly drama Person of Interest.

Now, it's time to head over to the network that has made Thursday nights a broadcast television legend for almost three decades, NBC and the newest edition to "Comedy Night Done Right" (do they still call it that?), a rare multi-camera comedic programme called Whitney.

Are all the countless months of internet snark and prejudicial hatred appropriate?--Let's find out.

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THE GIST OF IT

It's morning and our central couple Whitney (Chelsea Lately regular Whitney Cummings, playing a fictionalized namesake) and Alex (Chris D'Elia of the execrable and thankfully-cancelled TBS "comedy" Glory Daze) are playfully jockeying for position in front of their bathroom mirror. Alex is trying to shave. Whitney is applying eyeliner...and shaving her upper lip. (It happens.)

Moments later, they're dressed and ready for yet another of their casual acquaintances' weddings. Once there, they're joined by their four closest friends: overly-affectionate couple Neal (Maulik Pancholy, best known as Jack Donaghy's obsessive assistant Jonathan on 30 Rock) and Lily (Zoe Lister-Jones of Adult Swim's Delocated), chauvinistic police officer Mark (Dan O'Brien), and bitter recent divorcee Roxanne (most recently of TNT's Franklin and Bash). Banter and awkward comedic shenanigans ensue. (It's not that it wasn't substantial; there's just not much to recap about it.) Later that night, Whitney and Alex discuss their plans for their three-year anniversary tomorrow. As it stands, they don't have a great track record of making the day special and both go to bed mulling over the possibilities.

The next day, Whitney, Lily, and Roxanne head out to an erotic novelties shop and look at some options. When all is said and done, they decide some role-play might be fun.

Cut to that night, as Alex comes home from work to find Whitney waiting in a classic "sexy nurse" outfit. After Whitney gets a little too into her role (she presents him with realistic waiting room paperwork), Alex begins to disrobe and heads for the bedroom...until he slips and hits his head on the kitchen counter, leaving him unconscious. Whitney rushes him to the emergency room where the admitting nurse (the delightful comedienne Loni Love) refuses to allow her into the exam room as she's not Alex's spouse.

The pair's friends all gather in the waiting room to keep Whitney company, later joined by her mother Patti (Malcolm in the Middle's Jane Kaczmarek) who lobbies for Whitney to consider marrying Alex to avoid situations just like this. Eventually, Whitney is allowed in to see the now-conscious Alex. Emotional, she kneels and proposes but Alex declines, and both of them are humorously relieved. Alex understands Whitney's misgivings about marriage (both her parents have been divorced three times apiece) and is willing to wait until the day she's ready or even if she's not. The two embrace and decide to give their role-play another try...until Alex falls off the bed.

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MOVING FORWARD

Next week, Whitney and Alex realize they've actually never had a real, traditional first date and set out to recreate the experience, complete with all the awkward rituals and sleeping in different beds...or so IMDb tells me. It's a comedy. Once again, I still haven't figured out how to use this section properly for comedies.

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IN ESSENCE, MY FRIENDS...

...I realize this is going to bother some people...but I really rather enjoyed that. That was immensely charming and elicited some of the biggest laughs I've had this season so far.

I truly can't believe the levels of bile and violent hatred that have been tossed at this show over the past few months. I've come to the conclusion that the vast majority of such criticisms are obviously BEYOND prejudicial. Look, I agree that some of the promotional materials have been hacky and that the "silent treatment" ads in particular verged on somewhat bothersome but seriously?--All the hate for this?

Is everyone really just that immediately dismissive of a multi-camera sitcom on NBC?--I mean, after torrents of duds like 100 Questions, Joey, and the much-maligned Americanization of Coupling, I can understand people being somewhat wary (jaded, even), but I reiterate my utter disbelief at just how hardcore hateful people have been toward this show. For shame, all of you.

Let me reiterate something else: this was delightful.

Now, I'm not disputing that some of the characters dipped into sitcom stereotype on occasion (looking at you, Mark and Roxanne), but in this show's defense, it doesn't celebrate them for it. Lesser shows would really try to force-feed us the idea that Mark and Roxanne are supposed to be our favorite characters because "LOOK! SHE'S SO BITCHY AND HE'S SUCH A THOUGHTLESS HORNDOG! AREN'T THEY EDGY?!"...but this show is as tired of these two as we are, and kindly says, "Don't worry, viewer. We're laughing at them, not with them." As for Neal and Lily...they're harmless (much like this show, so CALM THE FUCK DOWN, EVERYBODY).

Now, let's talk about our central couple.

I'll be honest. Whitney Cummings isn't my favorite comedienne. I wouldn't go out of my way to watch one of her specials or anything...but I've always appreciated her somehow. I dig the cut of her jib, I guess. As an actress, she's a little green, but to be fair, look at some of our favorite stand-ups-turned-sitcom-stars. Jerry Seinfeld had to work at it. Roseanne had to work at it. Drew Carey...well, maybe he's still an acquired taste (which I personally DID acquire, but that's neither here nor there). Even Louis C.K. had to work on his range a bit...and look at how all of those turned out.

I had a great conversation with my best friend about a month ago in which we discussed Whitney's potential for success in the grand scheme of comedians with sitcoms. One of the things that will work in Cummings' favor is the fact that while she's somewhat known via her work on Chelsea Lately and the Comedy Central Roasts, but she's not THE comedian, you know? Even beyond the ever-widening distaste for him over the years, Dane Cook--arguably the most popular (to a fault) comedian of the last decade--has attempted to sell three pilots to the networks in that time. All have failed, and the reason: OVERSATURATION.

Another example...in 1995, Jeff Foxworthy was one of the most widely known and--truth be told--overexposed stand-ups in the country. His self-titled ABC sitcom was cancelled after one season and only barely revived for a second life on NBC the following year. People got tired of "the redneck guy". I won't lie. I'm a Foxworthy fan (judge me if you must) and I can wholeheartedly understand. (The same could also be said for his later TV experiment Blue Collar TV; an idea so ill-advised that Ron White--always the most shrewd and intelligent of the Blue Collar boys--would only appear in very sporadic cameos. He knew it wouldn't end well, because even by that point, America was sighing a collective "We get it, can we move on now?")

It's a proven formula. The lesser known the stand-up, the more successful the show. The more famous the stand-up, they'll be cancelled within weeks; months, if they're lucky. Whitney's gonna be okay.

All that rambling aside, let's get back to my point. Whitney and Chris D'Elia's Alex are adorable together. We can believe that they love each other and that they have no reason or intention of changing that anytime soon, if ever. Part of that can be attributed to the fact that--unlike most TV couples of the last few years--they aren't in such a constant state of hateful barb-volleying and bickering that we can't fathom why they're together. They're certainly sarcastic with each other on occasion, but you can tell that all of it comes from a place of affection, which is all too rare on television these days.

Much like FOX's wonderful New Girl, Whitney (promotional materials aside) is optimistic and sweethearted and...well, I love it. There. I said it.

Hell, if I can be perfectly frank...they had me at "Whitney is taped before live studio audience. ...You heard me." Yes, I did. See you next week, show.

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THESE ARE BLURBS

Remaining wonderances (not a word, but I'm going with it) on Whitney...

• Still wondering where Maulik Pancholy stands regarding 30 Rock. If the ratings are any indication, we may be seeing Whitney stick around for a while, so...no more Jonathan? (Although, to be fair, I can see the friend characters being quietly phased out eventually, so...we'll see.)
• You know, as years have gone on, I've come to realize that I kind of hated Malcolm in the Middle, and Jane Kaczmarek's Lois, in particular. I can think of few more unforgivably hateful parents in television history...and yet I literally golf clapped when she appeared on screen here. I shrug.
• I know somebody's going to be a smartass and be all, "Jeff, it may be filmed with an audience but they still used a laugh-track so...meh-burgabur." I really kind of don't care. That they're even trying the studio-audience method (which I would argue gave us a slight majority of our on-screen laughs here) is wholly commendable, and I'd be willing to bet they're using it to figure out how to tweak the show when necessary. I trust them. You don't have to, but I do.
• WHITNEY AIRS THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 9:30pm EST ON NBC!

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...and I don't know about you, but my spirits are lifted.

Coming up before day's end (or possibly even sometime tomorrow), it'll be my look at NBC's take on the series that made Dame Helen Mirren a star, Prime Suspect. Its ratings are admittedly already pretty dismal...but it still deserves our attention...AND SO IT SHALL HAVE IT!

Until then, this is what happens when the biggest comedian in the country headlines a sitcom. Don't count Whitney out. Have an open mind...and smile.

The Fall of Broadcast Television 2011: NBC

As promised, I'll be kicking off my opinionated reign here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" with the most pertinent entertainment event this week: the network upfronts. Over the next five days, I'll be taking you through each network's 2011-2012 primetime offerings, and if you've randomly got a preference, here's the tentative schedule:

• NBC, immediately following this somewhat unnecessary intro
• FOX, tomorrow (May 19)
• ABC, Friday (May 20)
• CBS/The CW, Saturday (May 21)
• ...and finally, a collective analytic recap of the whole network playing field on Sunday (May 22)

...and now that we've got all that noise out of the way. Let's talk the Peacock. Allow me to take you by the hand and lead you on a journey through the week, with brief stops to talk about the new arrivals. (New shows in ALL CAPS, schedule changes in italics.)

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MONDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-10pm - The Sing-Off

10-11pm - THE PLAYBOY CLUB

(post-Midseason)

8-10pm - The Voice

10-11pm - SMASH

THE PLAYBOY CLUB: I'm right there with you, dear reader. I'm not sure I'm ready to accept Eddie Cibrian--dreamy though he may be--as network TV's first pseudo-Draper, but as far as the two big attempts to bring something Mad Men-esque to the broadcast fold go--the other being ABC's Pan Am--I'm putting my money on Hef (and hoping they cast well for the big guy's inevitable younger-self cameo). Speaking non-parenthetically about casting, there are a few highlights here. The aforementioned Cibrian was the leading man of ABC's Invasion back in 2005, a show I miss dearly and on which I enjoyed his presence. Amber Heard (of Zombieland and Pineapple Express fame) appears to be our central bunny, and has proven herself charming and pleasing to look at. However, I'm most excited about the presence of David Krumholtz as the club's general manager. Thus far, all we know of the character is that he's constantly "at odds" with Carol-Lynne, the presumable Betty Draper of our piece (played by Laura Benati...yeah, I don't know either), but the point is, I always welcome the presence of the man I came to know as Bernard the Elf. Don't know how I feel yet about the American Dreams-esque casting of known actors of today in the roles of '60s music artists (I believe that's the late Bernie Mac's former TV wife Kellita Smith lip-synching as Tina Turner in the trailer above), but if handled correctly, it could be the recurring facet of the show that keeps the audience coming.

MY VERDICT: I'm in.

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SMASH: ...Eep. You know, I grew up loving musicals; as both a viewer and a performer. Singin' in the Rain, My Fair Lady, and Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical rank very highly with me and a large number of their and other original cast recordings make up a decent chunk of my iTunes library. Two years ago, something terrible happened; something terrible called Glee. After what may have been the most promising pilot I've ever seen, the inexplicably-to-me beloved FOX hit quickly stopped being the Election-style satire I'd fallen in love with and became what it's been ever since: a poorly-written, primetime High School [Jukebox] Musical with a pregnant cheerleader and a truly Emmy-deserving performance from the great Jane Lynch. (No matter what I may ever say about that show, she remains AMAZING.) Couple that with the sour taste left in most of America's mouths by the mere existence of Burlesque, and you might understand why when I heard that there were not one but TWO musical pilots in production for the fall, my immediate reaction was a decided "Oh, for fuck's sake." Thankfully for us, as far as has been made known, ABC's entry into this madness--a bizarre southern soap satire from Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry that featured a gospel choir narrating the action like a Greek chorus--has been shelved indefinitely...which leaves us with this. Smash. [sigh] ...Well, I'll say this. The above trailer certainly didn't induce the kind of cringes I expected to endure--except for the delightful Katherine McPhee's take on Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful", a song that we should have put a general moratorium on about a minute after it was released all those years ago--and it has a few things indisputably going for it. The aforementioned McPhee has pretty much been alright in my book since her guest-starring turn on Community back in its first (and superior--we'll talk later) season. Anjelica Huston--who I'd be willing to bet is in the pilot and nothing more--is always a welcome face on my screen. However, in terms of this cast, the one who's really caught my eye is Broadway darling Megan Hilty, seen in the above trailer as the stage veteran who already looks BEYOND the part of Marilyn. I stumbled on some production photos of the pilot a few months back and caught my first look at her. Oh, yes. Swooning did happen. As for Debra Messing...I could take her or leave her, but I'd be willing to bet that's most people's thought on the matter. In terms of the show itself, the one thing that might pique my curiosity just enough to catch the pilot in January is the story. Near as I could gather, we're looking at a multi-season arc about the creation of a Broadway musical from the ground up. As a longtime theatre nerd, I think that could make for some pretty fascinating television. My only request at this point: keep the musical numbers relevant in context with the scene. The mood lighting that appeared behind Katherine McPhee just then got me REALLY nervous. Just saying.

MY VERDICT: I'll probably watch the pilot on Hulu, and then we'll see from there.

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TUESDAY:

8-10pm - The Biggest Loser

10-11pm - Parenthood

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WEDNESDAY:

8-8:30pm - UP ALL NIGHT

8:30-9pm - FREE AGENTS

9-10pm - Harry's Law

10pm-11pm - Law & Order: SVU

UP ALL NIGHT: For a show made by and of people I adore, this couldn't look more unimpressive. ...Honestly, I have very little more to say here. Great cast, great pedigree with Lorne Michaels in the mix, created/written by Parks and Recreation writer/producer--and a graduate of my alma mater, UNC Greensboro--Emily Spivey...but...yep. That's about it. If this is how NBC is trying to create a comedy block on Wednesday nights...I just don't know.

MY VERDICT: I'll watch the pilot for the cast/writer and cross my fingers to be surprised. Otherwise, I don't expect I'll be prioritizing this one.

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FREE AGENTS: Also coming to Wednesday nights, it's the first of NBC's two new American remakes of a U.K. series this season, and judging by that trailer, on a meter that ranges from the disastrous Coupling remake (a mistake this network still hasn't lived down) to the long-since-proven-awesome American take on The Office...I think this just may fall closer to the latter, which is very good news indeed. I should first note that this show comes to us from one of the co-creators of the late, beloved Starz series Party Down, and then ask the easy question: Who doesn't love Hank Azaria? I've been jonesing for him to get his big starring break on network TV (in live-action form, of course) for quite a long time. Kathryn Hahn--seen here as our female romantic lead--has been a delightful presence in comedy for a while now, with memorable turns in Anchorman and especially Step Brothers as Adam Scott's sexually repressed wife who spends the bulk of the film attempting to seduce John C. Reilly. ...and then there's the real draw: ANTHONY FUCKING STEWART FUCKING HEAD. The man who will live forever in the hearts of nerds everywhere as TV's Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is actually reprising the role he originated in the original British Free Agents, and looks to be the oft-inappropriate man-whore-with-a-heart-of-gold boss that we've seen with Matt Berry's Douglas Reynholm on one of my favorites, The IT Crowd. Toss in a supporting cast that includes recently-appointed Daily Show Senior Latino Correspondent and beloved up-and-coming comedian Al Madrigal, The State alum Joe Lo Truglio, and Chelsea Lately regular Natasha Leggero (the first figure of the E! host's invasion of NBC primetime--more to come) and I have to say, I look forward to laughing hard and often (as I did during this trailer) in September.

MY VERDICT: I'm in.

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THURSDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

8-8:30pm - Community

8:30-9pm - Parks and Recreation

9-9:30pm - The Office

9:30-10pm - WHITNEY

10pm-11pm - PRIME SUSPECT

(Midseason)

Timeslot TBA - 30 Rock

WHITNEY: Wow. What a difference two days and 3 and a half minutes more footage can do. On Sunday night, when this schedule was first announced, it was accompanied not by the long trailers you're seeing here, but by 30-second demos of sorts...and let me tell you...they weren't pretty. Now, with a longer look--because let's face it; you probably pretty much just watched the Cliff Notes version of what will be the pilot--I'm a bit more optimistic on this, the first of the Peacock's two attempts to get back into the multi-camera comedy game. Most of you probably know the title star of this series Whitney Cummings from her regular appearances on Chelsea Lately (the invasion continues) and her enjoyable turns on the last few Comedy Central Roasts. She's charming enough that I think I could stand to watch her get into shenanigans for 22 minutes each week. As for the rest of the cast, I only know Maulik Pancholy, who'll be presumably filling his time here until he returns to 30 Rock as Jack Donaghy's obsessive assistant Jonathan in January. One thing though: the laugh track NEEDS TO DIE. It's the 21st century. Either get a studio audience or make it single-camera. Boom.

MY VERDICT: It surprises even me, but I'm in for at least the pilot with hope for more.

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PRIME SUSPECT: To take a high-profile title from British television and put it in American hands is always a gamble. Sometimes you win (see: The Office, most of Norman Lear's output in the '70s), sometimes you lose...HARD (see: the aforementioned Coupling, the unaired American IT Crowd pilot starring Joel McHale). This could go either way. First, consider the source. Prime Suspect--best known to American audiences via PBS' Masterpiece Theatre--is the show that truly begat the career of the great Dame Helen Mirren back in 1991, and featured co-starring roles for such well-known modern British screen figures as Tom Wilkinson, Ralph Fiennes, David Thewlis, and Mark Strong (and that's still barely scratching the surface). In many ways, this is an even bigger gamble than Jeff Zucker took back in 2003 with Coupling. Its failure is--in many ways--only legendary because it was groomed so vigorously to be the heir apparent to the then-on-its-way-out Friends. Some have theorized that it--along with the failure of Joey a season later--were almost single-handedly responsible for the ongoing downfall of the network. Now, here we are with the network sitting steadily at #4 and not looking to move higher anytime soon. Failure is not remotely an option anymore. So...ALL OF THAT BEING SAID...let's see what we have here. Hmmm. Eep...and yet...hmmm...maybe. Let's start from the top. Maria Bello is coming off a pretty solid decade of being a darling of the indie film set with pretty notable turns in films like Thank You For Smoking and A History of Violence. She's most recently coming off of being the sorely-missed Rachel Weisz' replacement in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I'll be honest. I've never been much of a fan. She always struck me as a slightly less off-putting Julie Bowen and not much more...but in a weird way, what she's working with here kind of makes me root for her. My God, the gender war we're presented here is such an antiquated story device, it's almost offensive. I'm sure the argument can be made that such politics are still in play in the workplace and especially in law enforcement (as I can attest having pretty much never seen a female officer in my local police or Sheriff's departments). My only wish here is that that particular facet is pretty much quelled by the end of our pilot, which, if this trailer is any indication, it just may be; and this would be very good news, indeed, because everything else about this trailer intrigues the BLUE FUCK out of me. I'm a big fan of strong women, and Bello's Jane Timoney appears to be pretty hardcore. Let me just put it this way. They had me at: "I would kill him with this." "I would help you." ...I dig it.

MY VERDICT: If the gender politics angle dies down pretty quickly, this could be the gritty, cable-style police drama the networks have needed for THE LONGEST TIME. I look forward to seeing what happens.

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FRIDAY:

8-9pm - Chuck

9-10pm - GRIMM

10-11pm - Dateline NBC

GRIMM: Much like the aforementioned Whitney, this--one of two "fairy tales are real" series on the network schedules this Fall--had a pretty grim 30-second preview clip on Sunday. (Pun definitely intended.) Also like Whitney, giving Grimm about three more minutes to show me what it's made of proved beneficial. While sci-fi and fantasy are still somewhat notable presences on the networks right now, there hasn't been a good people-in-demonic-makeup/monster-of-the-week action series on broadcast television since the end of Angel; a show with which Grimm shares a co-creator/executive producer in David Greenwalt. (Another of the Exec Producers: Sean "Jack McFarland" Hayes. Say WHAT?!) Now, I'll be honest with you. Regarding this cast, I know who almost none of these people are; with the lone exception of Sasha Roiz, fresh off his role as Sam Adama on SyFy's late Battlestar Galactica prequel Caprica. As for the story (which I'll admit; this trailer doesn't make clear enough), our premise suggests that the godfathers of fairy tale fiction the Brothers Grimm were the first in a bloodline of descendants who could see the supernatural in the everyday. As generations went on, the Grimms were called upon to be...well, basically the Slayer. ...You know, when you just say it like that, it sounds incredibly stupid, but like I said, this trailer sold me a lot better than my first look on Sunday. Although, whoever thought of casting longtime character comedian and actor Tim Bagley as the Big Bad Wolf in the pilot...what the fuck?

MY VERDICT: Eh, I'll give it a shot. It'll be coming on right after the returning "Chuck" (YAY!) on its new night (in its final 13-episode season), so why not?

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SATURDAY:

8-11pm - Repeats/Movies

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SUNDAY:

(pre-Midseason)

7-8:15pm - Football Night in America

8:15-11:30pm - NBC Sunday Night Football

(post-Midseason)

7-8pm - Dateline NBC

8-10pm - The Celebrity Apprentice

10-11pm - THE FIRM

THE FIRM: Umm...well...not much to say here. As of yet, this inexplicable television adaptation of one of author John Grisham's most famous works--an astonishing nearly TWO DECADES after its strongest relevance--exists solely as an idea. Not a single casting announcement has been made. We know little more of the story than it will follow Mitch and Abby McDeere (played by Tom Cruise and Jeanne Tripplehorn respectively in the 1993 film) a decade after their harrowing experience in the novel/film. So...yeah. Okay.

MY VERDICT: TBD. Done.

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MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD)

ARE YOU THERE, VODKA? IT'S ME, CHELSEA: (THE INVASION IS COMPLETE.) So, I'll be honest. There was about a two-year period when I was a fairly regular viewer of Chelsea Handler's immensely popular (for cable, at least) E! late night talk show Chelsea Lately. If it hasn't been made abundantly clear on this blog (or if you don't know me), I can be a pretty catty bitch, especially when it comes to pop culture, so Chelsea was pretty much right up my alley. Sometime last summer...I don't know what it was, but I just wasn't feeling her anymore. It wasn't about how she got the job, her love for Modern Family (ugh--once again, we'll talk later), or her close ties to Jay Leno. I just wasn't digging the Chelsea Handler experience anymore. A few months later, a wonderful podcast by the name of Hollywood Babble-On premiered on Kevin Smith's SModcast Podcast Network, starring the beloved indie director (and my hero, as you'll quickly learn) himself and beloved radio personality/voice actor Ralph Garman. Over the course of their weekly chats about the goings on in the entertainment industry, it became abundantly and hilariously clear that Ralph Garman FUCKING HATES Chelsea Handler. He routinely refers to her as "that talentless cunt", to the delight of the live audience at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in Los Angeles, and has even inspired a following of listeners sympathetic to his cause known as "The Garmy". As a fan of Ralph's--but perhaps not as militantly--I've become a proud recruit into his "Garmy"; chuckling at all the barbs he lobs at the E! star on a pretty regular basis. So, long story short (too late!), my feelings on this show's creator and recurring co-star are a little under lukewarm right now. This only informs my opinion somewhat, though, because outside of her bizarre brunette role as her own sister, this isn't Chelsea's show. It belongs to Laura Prepon, who I enjoyed for 7 seasons (I disregard the existence of Season 8) on That '70s Show. Near as I can tell, TV's Donna Pinciotti is just as charming and enjoyable here, so we're good there. On the co-star front, there's a lot to talk about. There's the aforementioned Handler herself, along with Chelsea Lately regular Jo Koy, beloved comedian and Denis Leary's best friend Lenny Clarke, and newcomer Lauren Lapkus. HOWEVER(!), if there is one name on the cast list that just might have the power to bring me back to this show on a fairly regular basis, it would be the former star of one of my all-time favorite shows--ABC Family's unjustly-cancelled The Middleman, which I urge ALL OF YOU to go find and watch RIGHT THE FUCK NOW--Natalie Morales. Now, would I rather the once (and future in my heart) Wendy Watson just keep her recurring gig as Tom Haverford's on again/off again girlfriend on my beloved Parks and Recreation?--You bet your sweet ass, I would...but in this economy, I'll take my Natalie Morales where I can get it, and I suggest you all do, too. As for the show itself, much like Chelsea Lately regular Whitney Cummings' aforementioned offering, I need them to LOSE THAT LAUGH TRACK. I reiterate: if you're going to do multi-camera, get a studio audience or don't do multi-camera at all. It's just that fucking simple. Other than that, I won't deny it; I giggled a few times watching this trailer. In many ways, it took me back to a beloved mid-'90s NBC series some of you'll remember called Jesse, which starred Christina Applegate in her first major post-Married... with Children role, so yes, happy thoughts. As it's a midseason replacement (much like last year's quickly disposed-of--and rightly so--100 Questions), I'm not going to say much more. Honestly, who's to say this ever sees the light of day? If Ralph Garman has his way, we won't...and I will laugh.

MY VERDICT: If we see it, I'll come out of curiosity, but stay for Natalie Morales. 'Nuff said.

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BENT: ...and here we arrive at the one pilot that--before I watched that trailer--I knew pretty much ZERO about. Let's face it. The "slacker guy meets responsible woman and they teach each other the value of being a responsible man and a slacker woman" story has been done not just to death, but has been reincarnated as a tree somewhere in Iowa. If anything is going to attract audiences (including myself) here, it's the cast. I've been on pretty good terms with Amanda Peet ever since Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (and a few cable reruns of Saving Silverman and The Whole Nine Yards), so we're good there. I like this David Walton fellow, most notably for his thankless role as the lone character with any interesting personality on the thankfully-cancelled Perfect Couples. Once again though, they hooked me with a big one. JEFFREY FUCKING TAMBOR. GEORGE FUCKING BLUTH FUCKING SENIOR. HANK FUCKING "HEY" FUCKING "NOW!" KINGSLEY. ...FUCKING. Just as I tuned in for the entire first season of The CW's pretty blah 90210 sequel back in 2008 for Jessica Walter, I'll certainly give this a shot for some Tambor. The man, regardless of the environment, can do no wrong. Otherwise, this looks as bland as dry toast and unsweetened tea at a roadside diner.

MY VERDICT: It's all about Tambor. We'll see what happens from there.

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AWAKE: ...and finally, the trailer that just made me have to stop, take a deep breath and say, "WHOA." I had vaguely heard of the basic premise of this show a few weeks back when it was still up in the air as to whether it would be picked up. Having just seen this trailer...I have to say...I am fucking STUNNED this isn't on the Fall schedule. How do you take one of the most original premises I've heard of in A LONG FUCKING TIME and say, "Ah, we'll keep this around for if Grimm tanks" or somesuch? ...and WHAT A CAST. Lucius Malfoy himself, Jason Isaacs (who looks a ridiculous amount like Daniel Craig when cleanshaven with short hair) is your lead here, giving what I already want to call an Emmy-winning performance. We have beloved character actors Cherry Jones (of 24 fame) and longtime Law & Order stalwart B.D. Wong as the therapists in each reality. We have supporting roles from The Practice's Steve Harris and Fez himself, Wilmer Valderrama. I think the one question I can ask is...WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THIS SHOW RIGHT THE FUCK NOW?

MY VERDICT: Out of nowhere, here comes my most-anticipated new show of the year. I don't understand your logic, NBC...but by God, if I don't see this by next May AND if you don't give it a fair shake when/if it airs...we are DONE professionally. Jesus tap-dancing Christ.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

You'll have to excuse me. I'm still REELING from the Awake trailer. My God, what an idea. ...Ahem. ...Okay. Let's talk generalities.

On the comedy front, the prospects are a real toss-up. Given the subjective nature of the genre, I'll reserve full judgment for when these series premiere in September-ish, but right now, I'm honestly putting my full support behind Free Agents and kind of out of nowhere, Whitney. Up All Night might draw some curious numbers for its pilot based solely on the cast and the names at the head of it, but if it's as blah as that trailer, I think Will Arnett may need to prepare for a little time spent as a real-life stay-at-home dad, while Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph can go star in a Judd Apatow comedy together (which let's be honest, (1) isn't too farfetched and (2) would probably be AWESOME). Chelsea (because I'm not typing that cumbersome title again) could go somewhere if it hits the airwaves, but for me, it'll be all about Wendy Watson and that's that. I should note that there was one more midseason comedy announced called Best Friends Forever, but thankfully there's been no video released, because on its premise alone it sounds like such bland, repetitive dreck that you should thank me for not regaling you with it.

On the drama front...once again, HOLY BALLS, AWAKE. I just feel that if we were so lucky as to dodge the bullet made of terrible that was, by all accounts, David E. Kelley's Wonder Woman, they should have made room for this one. I genuinely lost almost all interest in every other drama pilot on this network's fall schedule when I watched that trailer mere minutes ago. If by some horrible twist of fate/bad decision-making Awake DOESN'T make it to air, I'll be putting the limpest of weight behind The Playboy Club, Prime Suspect, and to a lesser extent, Grimm and Smash. Seriously though, NBC. Awake is your ticket back to greatness, just as Lost was for ABC back in 2004. THINK ABOUT THIS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

...and believe it or not, that took (cumulatively) about eight hours to write. Please reward my effort with comments, compliments, love, what-have-you below, and join me here again tomorrow as I take you on a similarly long-winded journey through the Fall 2011 offerings of the home of America's biggest shows, the FOX Network.

Until then, seriously, HOLY SHIT. FUCKING AWAKE.

Lemon out.