Hello once again, my dear readers!
Welcome back to my weeklong look at the new entertainments issuing forth from this week's 2011-2012 network upfronts!
Don't forget to come back tomorrow for a comprehensive look at the entire network slate; sure to be the most complicated thing I've written here all week.
Right now though, let's round things up with the new offerings from TV's unblinking eye, CBS; and when that's over, we'll take a look at the few new attractions from their baby sister network, The CW.
From the #1 network to the #5 network, let's see what's in store together. (You know the drill. New shows in ALL CAPS, schedule changes in italics.)
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CBS MONDAY:
8-8:30pm - How I Met Your Mother
8:30-9pm - 2 BROKE GIRLS
9-9:30pm - Two and a Half Men
9:30-10pm - Mike & Molly
10-11pm - Hawaii Five-O
2 BROKE GIRLS: The way I express my feelings of attraction has often been described as a "gayness for girls", which makes my feelings with regard to Kat Dennings extremely uncharacteristic of me. She makes me staunchly straight, and I'm somewhat ashamed to say the following: her chest FASCINATES me. I feel a bit more justified though in saying that that's about as close to having any interest in watching this show as you're going to get from me. It's a CBS sitcom, so it pretty much has to follow the standard--excepting The Big Bang Theory and to a growing lesser-and-lesser extent How I Met Your Mother--of being astonishingly bland, yet drawing the highest ratings in network television that week. In short, this show will be just fine...just not with any of my help. (By the by...seriously...how many "favors" did Chelsea Handler do for how many networks this year?--Her regulars keep popping up everywhere.)
MY VERDICT: A bland premise, a laugh track, and a pretty unappealing cast beyond Dennings just won't do for me. There aren't enough vehemently heterosexual fantasies in my head to change my mind.
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CBS TUESDAY:
8-9pm - NCIS*
9-10pm - NCIS: Los Angeles
10-11pm - UNFORGETTABLE
*Guess I didn't account for shows with abbreviated titles when coming up with my code. Oops.
UNFORGETTABLE: A few months back on a very funny episode of Kevin Smith's SModcast, my hero and his longtime producer/co-host Scott Mosier discussed hyperthymesia, the condition that allows the protagonist of this series--played by former Without A Trace star Poppy Montgomery (A GINGER! [swoon])--her (I would argue, cartoonishly) panoramic memory. Believe it or not, the statistic quoted in this trailer (only six people in America) is by all accounts, accurate; and randomly one of those people happens to be former Taxi and Evening Shade star Marilu Henner. While I do agree that that's all pretty fascinating, I've known for a long time that CBS' cavalcade of police procedurals are pretty universally not for me. I realize I'm batting 0-2 right now in terms of in-depth analyses, but the fact is, this network is as successful as it is because it always plays it safe...and only just safe. There is very little distinguishable from one show to the next. (Hell, doesn't Jerry Bruckheimer produce, like, 85% of all CBS dramas at this point?) So, out of fairness, I'll just say this. This doesn't look bad at all. I'm sure it'll be a hit.
MY VERDICT: Outside of my universal love for the ginger, there's not much drawing me to this; yet another CBS police procedural. If some J.J. Abrams-like twist rolls in at some point, do let me know, but otherwise, I've got other things to watch.
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CBS WEDNESDAY:
8-9pm - Survivor
9-10pm - Criminal Minds
10-11pm - CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
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CBS THURSDAY:
8-8:30pm - The Big Bang Theory
8:30-9pm - HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN
9-10pm - PERSON OF INTEREST
10-11pm - The Mentalist
HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN: GOD...I wish this looked better than it does. There's too much awesome involved for it to look this...meh. Let's just get how great this cast is out of the way. At the top, we have David Hornsby--best known as the hilariously tragic former priest Rickety Cricket on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia--who also co-created this show. I've been a big supporter of this guy for years; from all the way back when he was "the asshole" Hutch on Spike TV's brilliant (you'll never hear that phrase again) reality TV spoof The Joe Schmo Show; a show that also notably launched the careers of Kristen Wiig and Kevin Smith's Hollywood Babble-On co-host Ralph Garman. Then you've got the rest of the list. DAVE FOLEY! RHYS DARBY! MARY-LYNN RAJSKUB! Kevin Dillon. Outside of that last one, this should be a dream collaboration...but it just doesn't look it. HOWEVER(!)...I'm feeling optimistic/generous right now. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that this is just a case of a bad trailer. Because if so, CBS may have just made a regular viewer of just one of their primetime series out of me.
MY VERDICT: I need this show to be as good as its cast, so I'm going to give this a try in the hopes that maybe...just maybe...it gets there.
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PERSON OF INTEREST: Okay. Forget what I just said...because THAT is how you make Jeff Heatherly a regular viewer of a CBS primetime series. If I ever meet the person who turned on the "Things Nerds Love Randomizing Generator" and had it come up with "J.J. Abrams meets the Nolan-verse", I'm going the shake the bloody fuck out of their hand. Now, I'll admit; in terms of all the prospective Michael Emerson/Bad Robot collaborations that have been tossed out since the end of Lost, I would have been just slightly more interested in the proposed series that would have co-starred the former Benjamin Linus and the former John Locke (Terry O'Quinn, in case you didn't know...but let's face it; you did) as retired C.I.A. operatives doing freelance mercenary/spy work...but I suppose this will have to do. I dig the cast. I dig the atmosphere. I dig the look. I dig the people behind it all. Folks...I DIG THIS.
MY VERDICT: Well done, CBS. I'm TOTALLY in.
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CBS FRIDAY:
8-9pm - A GIFTED MAN
9-10pm - CSI: NY*
10-11pm - Blue Bloods.
*See above.
A GIFTED MAN: First, a demand of Hollywood: you need to cast Patrick Wilson and Chris Pratt as brothers in something IMMEDIATELY. Second, you need to cast Patrick Wilson in something that isn't THIS. Like most CBS shows, this doesn't look all that bad, but it also doesn't look all that good either. After all, that's their m.o.: harmless (and RIDICULOUSLY successful) mediocrity. Cinema's Nite Owl II deserves better. ...God, even that seems too harsh. Would you, the reader hate me if I just said...
MY VERDICT: ...no thanks. I honestly can't muster the energy to discuss this any further. I just don't care.
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FINAL THOUGHTS - CBS:
Wow. That couldn't have petered out any harder if I'd tried...but, so goes CBS.
COMEDY! (That was me trying to wake myself up.) We've only got two options here, and for its infinitely larger potential for quality, I give my support to How to Be A Gentleman. However, logic would dictate that the winner of the day will be the insipid (yet visually pleasing) 2 Broke Girls. It's a comedy (or probably more appropriately "comedy"). On a Monday night. On CBS. It'll be on for, like, nine years.
DRAMA! (Okay, I'm awake.) PERSON. OF. INTEREST. Let's be honest. When's the last time CBS gave a truly serialized primetime drama a fair shot? (Have they ever?) Even better question: how often are two such formidable nerd worlds (J.J. Abrams and the Nolans) going to collide like this? I have to hope that this show's marked difference from the usual dramatic fare on this network doesn't hurt it AND that its cushy timeslot (where CSI: used to reside) will be enough to sustain what looks to be a thoroughly original and thoroughly engrossing hour of television...and you know, if worse comes to worse, maybe J.J. will give The Ben/Locke Funtime Retired C.I.A. Kickass Variety Hour another try. Unforgettable might have a microscopic chance of garnering my attention with its lovely ginger, but that's--I reiterate--a microscopic chance. Once again, I kindly decline, A Gifted Man.
...and just as soon as it came, so ends my look at CBS.
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Journey with me now to the dank David Fincher-esque basement of the CBS household, where chained to a radiator we find its wild, unbroken, feral little sister The CW, and its small bag of new product...
NOTE: In an effort to keep their reputation as the little network that could but usually doesn't, the fine folks at The CW have neglected to provide trailers longer than 31 seconds apiece. However, they HAVE included longer (and more telling) actual clips from the shows, hence the impending overload of video content. I do apologize.
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THE CW MONDAY:
8-9pm - Gossip Girl
9-10pm - HART OF DIXIE
HART OF DIXIE: I'm proud to say I never watched a single episode of The OC, so I got to know Rachel Bilson through alternative (and much more bearable) means such as her role in The Last Kiss and her recurring role on Chuck a few years ago. My standard feeling on her is that she's adorable and so tiny that you just want to carry her around in your pocket. My more educated feeling is that she's not ever going to be the reason why I watch something. Now, the thing is--and this is probably going to shock some people--I kind of ACTUALLY want to see this. I've lived in the south my entire life, and no matter how much I despise what it stands for politically and culturally...it's home. Watching these clips reminded me of the simpler love I had for my region before I turned 15 and started seeing through the bullshit. I kind of long for that. That's why I have such an appreciation for things like Fried Green Tomatoes, Smokey and the Bandit, and Mama's Family. I got that same warm, nostalgic feeling watching those clips. I'm truly sorry I'm about to say this--especially considering that Nancy Travis' presence means this show will be dead before January--but...
MY VERDICT: ...I'm going to watch this. That's where my brain is right now. I'm sure my DVR will end up being too busy on Monday nights to let me...but right now, I'm saying yes. (What the hell is happening to me?)
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THE CW TUESDAY:
8-9pm - 90210
9-10pm - RINGER
RINGER: As a die-hard fan of that show, I can tell you with the fullest confidence that no one--I repeat, NO ONE--watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer for Buffy, and I won't deny it; that attitude lost Sarah Michelle Gellar a lot of goodwill with some people. So trying to sell this show almost SOLELY on her return to network television may not be the best tack to take. To be fair though, this show may not be able to sell itself alone, either...and that may be no one's fault. Its plot is fucking SERPENTINE AS FUCK. I'm not even going to attempt to explain it, so I'll just provide you with this link to the show's official "about" page and wait for you to read it before we continue, m'kay? ... ... ...Okay, now let's get down to it. Despite everything I just said up there, I'm rather happy to see our Slayer back on TV. I don't know, but watching those clips took me back to those halcyon days of putting a Y on the end of every word to turn it into an adjective and Xander getting back the memory of seeing King Ralph. Do I think this will be remotely as enjoyable/memorable?--Hell no. Does it have the potential to be an interesting watch?--Yes. I mean, to be fair, it'll be much more intrigue and skulduggery (I'm 65-years-old) than demons and asskickery, but with such an expansive concept right from the off, this could be a really gripping experience in a very The Fugitive kind of way. Plus, it boasts the network television return of yet another former Lost cast member in the form of the undeniably dreamy, perpetually (and naturally) eye-lined ex-Richard Alpert, Mr. Nestor Carbonell. There's a definite initial draw here, at the very least.
MY VERDICT: I'll watch the pilot, to be sure. In terms of my level of interest, we're about where I was with Nikita last year, and look at how AWESOME that ended up being. (YAY for Season 2!) Let's do this, Slayer.
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THE CW WEDNESDAY:
8-9pm - H8R*
9-10pm - America's Next Top Model
*Ugh...and that's capitalized, too.
H8R: Fuck you, A.C. Slater. For making me type the moronic title of your show TWICE, and for creating probably the second-biggest piece of garbage (check the last show of my ABC entry for the biggest) on network TV this fall. I'm not even going to explain this one, so...I don't know, here's another "about" link. ...You know, there's a sick part of me that could appreciate this show if--AND ONLY IF--the people being "hated on" didn't deserve EVERY OUNCE of it. (I gave you the above clip because it was the shorter of the two preview clips available, so you're welcome; although, if you want to see someone call Snooki a "drunken slob" to her face, feel free to check out the other one at your own risk.) Ugh. ...Just...UGH.
MY VERDICT: I don't know if there's a clearer way to say FUCK NO.
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THE CW THURSDAY:
8-9pm - The Vampire Diaries
9-10pm - THE SECRET CIRCLE
THE SECRET CIRCLE: Somebody decided to combine the feminism and sorcery of The Craft (which I only saw for the first time recently and loved the fuck out of it) with the emo facial expressions and sparkly abstinence of Twilight (the worst thing to happen to pop culture in...maybe ever) and this was the result. If you're interested, then go ahead and watch this. If you're not, congratulations; you're intelligent and have decent taste. (Poor Natasha Henstridge.)
MY VERDICT: Light as a feather, stiff as a board made of NO FUCKING WAY.
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THE CW FRIDAY:
8-9pm - Nikita
9-10pm - Supernatural
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THE CW MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD):
REMODELED: So...Kitchen Nightmares for modeling agencies?--Pretty much. I gave you this clip because it seemed more introductory to our Gordon Ramsay of the fashion world, Paul Fisher. (The other slightly more hateful (but in the most cattily entertaining way possible) clip features Fisher tossing pictures of this agency's models across a room yelling, "NOT A MODEL! NOT A MODEL!".) I can certainly see where the kitschy, Vh1 reality-esque appeal is here, but I can kindly say I'm not remotely this show's true demographic. Maybe someday I'll end up watching it with a friend or a lady I'm courting, but otherwise, it was nice meeting you Mr. Fisher. Goodbye and God bless.
MY VERDICT: I have no further pressing business with this show, but hey, when it inevitably (and justly) ends up replacing H8R (DAMN YOU, SLATER! A THIRD TIME!), I'll certainly tip my cap to it.
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FINAL THOUGHTS - THE CW:
Oh, The CW. I wish you were still the two other networks you used to be. Let's get started.
Okay, comedy! ...Oh. Right. Okay, CW. Your assignment for next year: GET SOME COMEDIES.
So, drama then. For purely sentimental reasons, I'm putting my weight behind Hart of Dixie. It probably won't survive past January, and not just because of the Nancy Travis curse. It honestly looks too sweethearted and genuine for...pretty much everything else on this network. So, realistically, my second choice is Ringer. Like I said, I don't know if putting the full brunt of your marketing campaign behind the return of Sarah Michelle Gellar to television was the best move, but the show definitely has potential. (Resist the urge to make a Season 7 Buffy joke, Jeff.) Finally, The Secret Circle will be huge because of its timeslot and because young people of today have worse and worse taste as the generations go on, so...yeah.
Oh...God help me, I'm about to do a paragraph about reality television. (Lord, beer me strength.)
In all seriousness, when this season is over, I want to find each and every copy of every episode of...The Mario Lopez-Created Reality Show That Must Not Be Named Again and ABC's Work It and set them ablaze. Nothing else this season looks more vile. Remodeled could be fun, though. I won't be making a point to watch it...but it could be fun.
...and mercifully, so ends my look at The CW, and indeed my individual looks at all the broadcast networks' new output for 2011-2012. I won't lie. It's not going to be the best year; something I'll cover a bit more thoroughly tomorrow when I take a look at the collective day-by-day schedule of all five networks in my network upfronts wrap-up.
Until then, never forget. (No, seriously, don't. That movie is AWESOME.)
WE ARE AS GODS!
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