(You know, if you stare at that logo long enough...it starts to look REALLY tasty. I'm just trying to figure out if it's a Junior Mint or a black M&M.)Welcome back, ladles and jellyspoons! 'Tis time for us to continue our journey through the programmery revealed during this week's network television upfronts! First, a quick reminder of what I've got in store for you over the weekend:
- CBS/The CW, tomorrow (May 21)
- a comprehensive look at the entire 2011-2012 network television schedule, Sunday (May 22)
...and now, ONWARD! Today, we take a look at the selections issuing forth from Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head, courtesy of the American Broadcasting Company! (As always, new shows in ALL CAPS, schedule changes in italics.)
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MONDAY:
8-10pm - Dancing with the Stars
10pm-11pm - Castle
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TUESDAY:
8-8:30pm - LAST MAN STANDING
8:30-9pm - MAN UP
9-10pm - Dancing with the Stars
10-11pm - Body of Proof
LAST MAN STANDING: ...Oh, boy. Here's the thing. A few years ago when the snootier members of my generation decided they hated Tim Allen, I was in the minority who didn't entirely understand why. As such, I'll come to his defense right now and say I don't hold him personally responsible for how bloody awful this looks. What we've just seen disappoints me for a number of reasons. One, this show comes to us from Jack Burditt, who is best known as one of the most prolific writers for 30 Rock. Two, I thought given their success in single-camera comedies (and pretty universal failure in multi-camera) over the past three years or so, ABC was past this kind of thing. Three...seriously?--You bring back the star of one of the most successful television comedies of all-time and THIS is what you give him? Sad, sad, sad. You'll also note this show bears the burden of one of modern television's most formidable show-killers, Nancy Travis. She's a talented woman, but I defy you to find a show she's been cast in over the last 21 years that DIDN'T end within two seasons of her presence. In short, my friends...
MY VERDICT: ...hello and goodbye, Last Man Standing. You're outdated, poorly cast, and you look just plain awful...although, not remotely as awful as ABC's other multi-camera offering this season. (Brace yourselves when I get to the midseason shows, readers.)
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MAN UP: So, I need to be careful what I say here. I feel it's an honest mistake considering how unmemorable and somewhat similar their titles are, but before watching that trailer, I incorrectly braced myself a little too hard for the aforementioned midseason multi-camera comedy, and to be honest, it probably put me in the wrong temper. So, with teeth gritted, my response is thus...meh. Actually, I'd say that's a pretty fair assessment. This show comes to us from perpetual television comedy failure Christopher Moynihan; seen here as the quiet, spiky-haired guitarist of our trio who ISN'T Dan Fogler or Mike Powers from Reno 911! (a.k.a. Mather Zickel...wow, what a name). Mr. Moynihan is most recently famous (or more likely, not) for creating last summer's quickly-dumped 100 Questions on NBC. Want more Moynihan mediocrity?--Deal with this list: NBC's infamous (and infamously disastrous) American Coupling, the quickly-cancelled 2001 NBC midseason Brian Dennehy-led comedy The Fighting Fitzgeralds, and--a show I actually quite liked--the sadly long-forgotten UPN clay-animated comedy Gary & Mike. The man simply doesn't have the best track record, and with a hefty dose of pity, this probably won't be the anomaly. A real shame, because with Fogler and Zickel (who both deserve better; and once again, what a name) by his side, I freely admit this could be worlds better than the cavalcade of sitcom cliché we just witnessed. In a weird way, I'm rooting for this show, but still...
MY VERDICT: ...I feel pretty confident we'll have forgotten this show even existed by January, so...maybe I'll watch on Hulu out of curiosity, but otherwise, nope.
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WEDNESDAY:
8-8:30pm - The Middle
8:30-9pm - SUBURGATORY
9-9:30 - Modern Family
9:30-10pm - Happy Endings
10-11pm - REVENGE
SUBURGATORY: Well, wasn't that a delightful little surprise? I went into that trailer knowing precisely DICK about this show, and I'm suddenly imbued with a pretty healthy dose of hope for ABC's new comedy slate. Now, I'm usually pretty violently adverse to antiquated and/or cartoonish portrayals of teenage life; particularly high school cliques (one of the many reasons why--despite who wrote it--I've never cared for Mean Girls), but what I appreciate about this show--or what I can gather of it--is that it's not intended to be realistic. It's a living cartoon, and I dig that. It's no surprise, though; this coming to us courtesy of Emily Kapnek, who created the wonderful late-'90s Nicktoon As Told By Ginger and wrote quite possibly this season's funniest episode of Parks and Recreation ("Ron and Tammy: Part Two"). Bolstering my goodwill toward Kapnek, we have a tremendous cast that--as you saw--includes Jeremy Sisto, Cheryl Hines (who I'm always on the fence about, but usually end up okay with), Ana Gasteyer, and one of my favorites--and not at all for Firefly (believe it or not, I'm that rarest of nerds who didn't care for that show)--Mr. Alan Tudyk! With Cougar Town being cruelly held back until midseason, I needed something to make my Wednesday nights worthwhile. Thanks, Suburgatory.
MY VERDICT: I'm SO in.
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REVENGE: There's probably some terrific cosmic irony afoot when I tell you that I completely forgot to cover this show until I finished the blurb for the first midseason show on my list (coming up shortly). Late last year, I heard rumblings that there was talk of ABC doing a modernized series adaptation of one of my favorite books, Alexandre Dumas' classic The Count of Monte Cristo. The idea of Edmond Dantés (or given what someone probably would have though was clever, Edward Daniels or somesuch) taking his well-earned vengeance on those who had wronged him in the digital age intrigued the BLUE FUCK out of me. I pretty much forgot that was even an idea until this show came about. Now, I don't want to scare anyone...but MY GOD, do I love a revenge tale! I've seen a lot of injustice in my life, and watching someone get what's coming to them is tremendously satisfying to me. Even better when they're overly-botoxed, rich assholes like the ones we see here. (In this economy, this may be the best show to ever exist.) That being said, I don't know if I can entirely believe Emily Van Camp in this part. Back in 2002, when The WB's Everwood premiered, I recall watching the pilot simply because I'd spotted her in an ad and had been pretty thoroughly enchanted. (I didn't stick around, though. ...I mean, it was fucking Everwood.) She had a very quiet yet intoxicating intelligence about her. I don't know if I can see that attached to sweet bloody justice. I welcome the chance to be surprised, though. Outside of Van Camp, we've got a pretty unremarkable/in-notable cast, save for a fellow who'll always be Alan M to me, Mr. Gabriel Mann, who looks to be a possible accomplice in our plot. Then again, isn't that what people love about slasher movies?--Faceless-yet-deserving victims getting offed. I think I can get behind that here.
MY VERDICT: I'll certainly watch the pilot, and if they can tease me with the promise of sweeter and sweeter payback every week, they'll have me.
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THURSDAY:
8-9pm - CHARLIE'S ANGELS
9-10pm - Grey's Anatomy
10-11pm - Private Practice
CHARLIE'S ANGELS: As I mentioned on Wednesday during my blurb on NBC's Prime Suspect, I'm a big fan of strong portrayals of women. I am, however, as equally NOT a fan of when they're done incorrectly...and that may be the least of my qualms about all this. The truth is, this just looks mind-numbingly bland, which is disappointing with nerd-friendly writers Alfred Gough and Miles Millar (who co-gave us Spider-Man 2 and the earlier seasons of Smallville) at the helm. Additionally, what an utterly uncharismatic cast! Our new Angels are instantly forgettable, and by ditching the standard of Bosley being portrayed by a regular-Joe comic actor, they've pretty much killed the entire point. What's worse, they've truly shortchanged themselves by giving us this boring, uninteresting voice for Charlie, instead of the man who'll be truly giving the orders when the show hits the air: Robert "Number Two" Wagner. It's just a miss from all sides. If anyone really wants a good modern take on this concept--outside of the movies (which I haven't seen, but I hear mostly favorable things)--look no further than nine years ago, and a WILDLY underrated (and very, VERY funny) syndicated series by the name of She-Spies...but stop before Season 2. You'll thank me later.
MY VERDICT: I wish you looked better, show. I really do. Good luck making it past January.
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FRIDAY:
8-9pm - Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
9-10pm - Shark Tank
10-11pm - 20/20
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SATURDAY:
8-11pm - Saturday Night College Football
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SUNDAY:
7-8pm - America's Funniest Home Videos
8-9pm - ONCE UPON A TIME
9-10pm - Desperate Housewives
10-11pm - PAN AM
ONCE UPON A TIME: Okay, let me just get this out of the way. ...Storybrooke? Seriously? Now that that's out of my system, here we go; the second of our two "fairy tales are real" series this fall and I have to say, I'm feeling this considerably more than NBC's Grimm. Moreover, I think this show's got a much better chance at making it past midseason. So let's talk why. For starters--misleading though the phrase "from the writers of Lost" may be (this isn't Darlton's handywork; it's an Edward Kitsis/Adam Horowitz project)--I have a good feeling about our story. It's far more expansive than Grimm and won't be shackled by its monster-of-the-week construct. Then there's the cast...or specifically, the two that I've actually heard of. We have Robert Carlyle--who's been good in my book since The Full Monty--in the role of Rumpelstiltskin, and then we have the real draw--pardon me while I swoon--the always-adorable Ginnifer Goodwin as Snow White. Honestly, you could kind of sell me on this show SOLELY on that. Luckily, we've also got some pretty magical visuals coming at us; giving us the living fairy tale Grimm probably never will. In short, advantage: ABC.
MY VERDICT: If done right, this could be the appointment television my Sunday nights have needed for quite a while. I sincerely hope the pilot enchants and delights.
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PAN AM: ...and here we come to network television's other attempt to Mad Men themselves (see: The Playboy Club on NBC). It's weird. I didn't really enjoy this trailer, and yet, I feel like this may end up the better show. Like, seeing this makes Playboy seem like it's trying too hard, with its glitzy decor and its actors playing '60s music stars. This is just, plain and simple, cut and dried 1960s...'60s-ness. I still think I'll like Playboy better...but there's something working here that I can't quite identify. It's not the cast; whose only real NAME is Christina Ricci, who this trailer made me realize I have pretty much no opinion on whatsoever. It's not the names behind the camera; Thomas Schlamme has directed as much crap as he's directed Emmy-winning Aaron Sorkin shows. ...but something is working, and honestly...
MY VERDICT: ...I'll probably watch the pilot just to try to figure out what that is. Otherwise, I don't see how they can sustain ongoing, engaging storylines with this premise...but then again, I said the same thing about Mad Men originally, and look how that turned out.
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MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD):
GOOD CHRISTIAN BELLES: So, I'm going to break a few hearts here. I REALLY don't care for Kristin Chenoweth. I'm sorry. I just fucking don't. I find her to be a shrill, one-note actress and I'm tired of her being cast on terrible shows just to draw in some of my more susceptible fellow theatre nerds. This is pretty much no exception. Now, some of you remember this show as one of ABC's two shows originally with the word "bitch" in the title. (You'll meet the other one shortly.) I'll go ahead and already say that the whole debacle that eventually led to both of those shows changing their names to something more family-friendly REALLY lost them some goodwill from me; not because I'm offended at profanity (seriously, have you met me?), but because they were both UNBELIEVABLY transparent attempts to court controversy to put attention on two--as far as I knew--pretty unremarkable shows. Cheap tactics like that are so stupid/obvious and THAT is what offends me. ALL OF THAT BEING SAID...let me try to focus on the content itself. First off, as you'll notice, that wasn't a full trailer; merely a preview clip. (I can't confirm whether or not that'll be the case with all the midseason shows; I literally write these blurbs one-at-a-time, as I watch the clips.) As such, in a weird way, we have less on which to judge its merits...which, I will say, I don't see many. I've said it many times so far; I like strong portrayals of women. That doesn't mean casting them as conniving, childish, brain-dead trophy wives. So, no--I'm not going to wait until my "verdict"--I most certainly WON'T be watching this show. They almost had me with Annie Potts showing up in full Designing Women mode...but it just wasn't enough.
MY VERDICT: A universe of NO.
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THE RIVER: GOD...I can't count how many times that just had me and then lost me and then had me and then lost me and so on and so forth. Let me attempt to take you on my journey. HAD ME: Bruce Greenwood. 'Nuff said. LOST ME: That voice I hear is not Michelle Forbes (who--I think we can all agree--should be in EVERYTHING), but in fact Leslie Hope, best known as the late Teri Bauer on 24. HAD ME: Oh, shit. Bruce Greenwood's missing. (...while at the same time...) LOST ME: Ugh. I guess that means Bruce Greenwood'll be recurring at best. HAD ME: Awesome. Let's go find Bruce Greenwood. LOST ME: OOH! Is that Erica Durance (who some of you will know as the recently ended Smallville's Lois Lane) with blonde hair?!--Oh. Nope. Not her. HAD ME: Oh, snap! An uncharted location! Let's get our Lost on, bitches. LOST ME (and yet still kind of HAD ME): Oh...it's a fake documentary now. LOST ME COMPLETELY AGAIN: DUN-DUN! "That was from inside." ...Seriously? Are we doing this? KIND OF HAD ME: Ooh, Spielberg! LOST ME AGAIN REALLY HARD: FUCK PARANORMAL ACTIVITY UP ITS OVERRATED ASS! (That one lasted through the montage of people being thrown around.) HAD ME ENOUGH TO GIVE IT A CHANCE AGAIN: The words-flying-at-the-screen montage; particularly Bruce Greenwood holding fire in his hands. LOST ME: More people being thrown around. HAD ME: "There is magic out there. So let's go see it." HUGE overhead shot of the massively serpentine river. END.
MY VERDICT: I fully expect the pilot to be the same rollercoaster of emotions, but if it ends on a HAD ME like that trailer, we might be in for a pretty fun and unique television experience.
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SCANDAL: There are a few actresses out there that the world seems convinced are brimming with talent and yet I always have to be the one to recognize that they're actually bloody awful. It's a list that includes Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Annette Bening, and so on and so forth. This show's star Kerry Washington is most assuredly one of those...and the fact is, that may honestly be enough for me to go ahead and walk away from this show right now. (Grey's Anatomy creator Shondra Rimes being at the helm isn't helping matters much, either.) However, ABC was smart. They knew exactly the kinds of things to slip in there to keep me from completely trashing this show; things like Desmond Hume himself Henry Ian Cusick (with an American accent!) and slathering their soundtrack with selections from Adele's 21. Will their sly charms be enough to sway me?
MY VERDICT: ...Eh, probably not. Let's face it. When Charlie's Angels inevitably tanks, they'll more than likely slip this in on Thursday nights at 8; giving Shondra Rimes the whole night to herself (with Grey's and Private Practice) and giving me no reason to choose this over Community (which will hopefully improve this year) and Parks and Recreation over on NBC. Nice try, though. Nice try.
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APARTMENT 23: At last we come to ABC's other at-one-time "bitch"-titled series. Much like the aforementioned Good Christian Belles, the show formerly (and quite cumbersomely) known as Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 lost a lot of goodwill with me on its title alone. To be honest, I feel a bit guilty about that in this particular case, because this looks far more appealing (and far less in need of a gimmicky hook). I would also say--judging by this trailer--that that longer title will probably be pretty obsolete by episode 2, as it makes it pretty clear that our naïve and bubbly heroine (played by Dreama Walker; nice to meet you) and the formerly titular bitch (Krysten Ritter, who makes me swoon like I've seen her in something before and yet I haven't) will be the best of begrudging friends once all the hijinks we just saw are said and done. So, where will we go from there?--Well, I feel pretty secure thinking that's where The Beek will come in. Much like Jennifer Grey in the critically-acclaimed (and infuriatingly-titled) 1999 comedy It's Like, You Know..., TV's former Dawson Leery will be playing a somewhat self-parodying version of himself (an earlier version of this trailer featured a scene in which we discover that he's installed a mechanism on his staircase that plays Paula Cole's "I Don't Want To Wait" whenever they're in use), which I'm honestly pretty damned up for. With this, plus a hilarious and welcome cameo in a fantastic Daily Show piece a few months back, the fellow couldn't be any more alright by me. Outside of all of that, this will probably fall into some traditional sitcom shenanigans, but if they're done cleverly enough, this could prove the other crown comedy jewel of ABC's new lineup. I look forward to it.
MY VERDICT: I freely admit there's a decent chance that--once you get past the novelties--this could be awful...but I want to believe otherwise. I'm most certainly giving this one a shot.
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Hey, remember earlier when I told you to brace yourself?--NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME. (Seriously, this is going to hurt a bit...no, fuck it; A LOT.)
WORK IT: SWEET. FUCKING. CHRIST. Where in the bloody hell do I begin? Watching that (for unfortunately, my third time) genuinely made my heart hurt. Like, can we find the people responsible for this abomination and have them killed? ...No, seriously, can we? That this antiquated, unfunny, insulting, BEYOND lowest common denominator GARBAGE made it past the pitches phase is simply ASTONISHING. I don't give a damn about the cast. I don't give a damn who's involved. If this makes it to air, there is no justice in the world. This is nothing less than utterly unacceptable. There are so many reasons that this show should be cast into the fires of entertainment hell ASAP, but I'll just stick with one of my recurring tacks here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms": the portrayal of strong, intelligent women. SHAME on every last woman involved in this. Anyone with even the SLIGHTEST of intelligence would take one look at these two men in drag and immediately call horseshit. That this series dares to suggest that we should accept that the women in this office would fall for this ruse WEEK AFTER GODDAMNED WEEK is a crime against humanity. I know smart, strong women. They would destroy this. Honestly, do I have to even say it?
MY VERDICT: Go to hell, ABC. Just...go to hell. (...and just in case ANYONE is going to have the gall to use the Bosom Buddies argument on me...JUST FUCKING DON'T. It was the '80s and we were far more accepting of terrible things back then. Plus, that show gave us Tom Hanks, so go fuck yourself.)
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FINAL THOUGHTS:
I sincerely apologize for ending that on such an ungodly sour note. Let's all take a moment to breathe and try to forget that ever existed.
...
...Okay. Let's talk ABC, in general.
First up, comedy. Let me put my thorough support behind Suburgatory and (to a more tentative extent) Apartment 23 right now. While I'm still stinging with the announcement of Cougar Town (ABC's best comedy; sorry, misinformed Modern Family fans) being held out until midseason, this lineup needed a big pick-me-up and Suburgatory especially might be just what the doctor ordered. Man Up has a vague amount of potential once you get past the annoying voice shrilly intoning "MAN UP!" in the background repeatedly in the trailer. My deepest apologies to Tim Allen. I really wanted Last Man Standing to look better, but not to be.
...Oh, did I miss one? [shuffles through the list, ignoring the vacuum of unfunny coming from the bottom] Nope, didn't think so.
On to drama! I should mention that one midseason series went un-blurbed here--a Taken-esque abduction drama called Missing, starring Ashley Judd and Sean Bean--as it didn't have any promotional footage. Maybe I'll come back to it at a later date, but more likely, not. As for what we saw here, it's all pretty tentative. Once Upon A Time is certainly the frontrunner in my mind, followed distantly by Revenge and The River. Of course, I'll be doing a comparative study of Pan Am and NBC's The Playboy Club (possibly even as an entry here), so there's that. Good Christian Belles and Scandal...once again, no thanks.
...and that should do it for ABC, everybody. Thanks again for your kind words and please keep the comments coming. I really appreciate it.
Join me here tomorrow for our final network-specific ramble, courtesy of CBS and its oft-ignored baby sister network The CW.
Until then, ENJOY.
PENNY CAN!
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