Fall 2009 was a very exciting time to be Jeff Heatherly. It was the beginning of my senior year of college, I had just met some of the best friends I would ever have, and there were a gaggle of promising new shows on the network television slate.
FOX had Glee. Now, you must keep in mind that this when all we had to go on was its TREMENDOUS pilot, and had no idea that it would--by the end of its second episode--become the ridiculous and unwatchable mess that it is now.
ABC had Cougar Town, a show with a title that still sticks in a lot of people's craws, but has fast become one of the best comedies on television. (Modern what-now?)
...and then there was NBC. At the time, the network had just handed the keys to one of its most notable franchises (The Tonight Show) to your hero and mine, Conan O'Brien. By exchange, they'd also kicked off what would end up one of the biggest losing gambles in network television history in the weeknightly 10pm Jay Leno Show.
Of the eight new shows presented at the 2009-2010 upfronts in May of that year, only two have truly survived: the critically-acclaimed (but pretty low-rated) Parenthood and the would-be jewel of the new Thursday night line-up, Community.
I, having been an avid viewer of E!'s The Soup since my freshman year of college, was pleased as punch to see its host Joel McHale given not only a primetime comedy to headline, but to kickoff the most legendary night of network television in history. Add in Chevy Chase, and this quirky upstart sitcom quickly became my SHOW TO WATCH.
As you can understand, I was even more excited when a few days before its September 17 premiere date, the pilot appeared as a free download on the iTunes Store. (To date, it's still in my library.) As I recall though, I actually held out on watching it until it debuted, following the sixth season premiere of The Office.
I'll be honest. Our first trip to Greendale Community college in (near as we've been told) a suburb of Denver, Colorado was...well, a pilot. It didn't exactly--to steal a phrase from the great Doug Benson--knock my dick in the dirt. However, it also didn't completely turn me away. It had its wonderful cast, its notorious eye for pop culture references, and a fair amount of laugh-out-loud moments. I had recently become a pretty hardcore optimist, believe it or not; so I was willing to go on a journey with this show.
Over the next nine-ish months and 24 further episodes, Community became the highlight of my Thursday nights and a frequent topic of conversation among my fellow Media Studies majors; and it did it all through its mastery of logical human stories with intelligent wit and a deep and abiding love for classic television and film, particularly of the 1980s. (The pilot episode, as it aired, was dedicated to beloved writer/director John Hughes who had passed away a little over a month prior. His influence is unmistakable throughout the first season, with Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles references in particular, peppered throughout the episodes.)
From the beginning, the show's pop culture love stemmed from one character: the ever-lovable Abed Nadir, played by up-and-comer Danny Pudi in an absolutely star-making performance. His outburst in the pilot--lines from Judd Nelson's "Banner Year at the Bender Family" monologue in The Breakfast Club--quickly sets the tone for both the character and the series as a whole.
Abed LOVES entertainment. No. Abed IS entertainment, and in him, I quickly realized I had found a kindred--albeit fictional--spirit. For as much as I was initially attracted to this series for the chance to see the man who had entertained me for so many years just standing in front of a green screen being sarcastic lead an NBC sitcom, it became rapidly apparent: Joel McHale's Jeff Winger is not the star of Community. He's the straight man, and that works.
Surrounding McHale, along with the incomparable Pudi and the aforementioned Chevy Chase as moist towelette magnate Pierce Hawthorne, is a cast of very talented individuals, who each carved out their own unique characters almost immediately.
There's Jeff Winger's would-be love interest Britta Perry, played by the--as the pilot repeatedly reiterates--Elizabeth Shue-esque Gillian Jacobs. In the first few episodes, Britta acts as nothing more than the proverbial macguffin; the thing that pulls Jeff Winger into this group of people that will change his life forever. However, as the inaugural season goes along, she fleshes out into a deeply flawed but well-meaning figure of loving ridicule from the rest of our cast; like a significantly less tragic Meg Griffin. For example:
There's the recently-divorced Christian housewife Shirley Bennett, played by longtime character actress Yvette Nicole Brown. From the off, Shirley takes the role of our study group's surrogate mother. She's supportive and--more often than not--unshakably optimistic, but one false move, and she WILL cold-cock you. While preparing to deliver this opening statement (READ: about a sentence into this very paragraph), I discovered the following fan-made video montage that sums her up pretty well...
One of the greatest strengths of the first season of Community is its combination of naturally evolving comedic storytelling and dynamic characterization. In terms of the latter, our next two characters are exemplary.
For starters, we have Troy Barnes, the disgraced former high school quarterback played by the multi-talented (emphasis on MULTI-FUCKING-TALENTED) Donald Glover. (Watch this. 'Nuff said.) In the pilot--save for a few moments of pure Glover--Troy is every dumb jock you've ever seen portrayed. What's more, as noted in the first-season DVD commentary, he was originally written for a typical, Aryan-looking (blonde hair/blue eyes) white guy; but over the rest of Season 1, through the show's skillful writing, a seemingly-fated (and infinitely WONDERFUL) pairing with Danny Pudi's Abed, and Donald Glover's breakout performance, he quickly went from this...
...to this.
In the pairing of Troy and Abed, Community has unmistakably caught lightning in the proverbial bottle, and no matter what becomes/has become of this show, they will always be a highlight.
Also undergoing a welcome and well-plotted character evolution is the study group's youngest member, Annie Edison played by Mad Men's Trudy Campbell, Alison Brie. In the DVD commentary of the pilot episode, creator Dan Harmon tells us that Annie was originally envisioned as an unholy combination of Reese Witherspoon's Tracy Flick in Election and conservative nutlog/The View panelist Elizabeth Hasselbeck. However, in yet another case of writing-meets-performance, it's not long before that innocent, buttoned-down shell is quickly cracked open to reveal--and I mean this in the most loving way possible--TV's youngest sexy librarian. I won't deny it. I am one of countless scores of heterosexual nerds who've been struck pretty hard by the allure of Alison Brie; despite Community's constant (to a point) attempts to keep our thoughts of Annie as un-lascivious as possible.
Additionally (prepare for SPOILERS!), Annie's distinctive transformation is at the center of the first season's biggest shocker and, indeed, its season-ending cliffhanger, as she gradually becomes the new object of Jeff Winger's affections; sating the wishes of countless YouTube 'shippers and setting the show on what we were left to presume to be its course in Season 2.
As for the dynamism of the show's remaining repertory faces (the admittedly overexposed Ken Jeong's Señor Ben Chang and the incomparable Jim Rash's Dean Craig Pelton; the latter of whom NEEDS to be added to the opening credit sequence in Season 3), that'll certainly come up in later editions of "Community Service", but for the most part, our most recurring Greendale faculty members stick to a general state of slightly unhinged (the operative word being SLIGHTLY; something that will--unfortunately--drastically change in Season 2) in the case of Chang...
...and in the case of Dean Pelton, a comical undercurrent (operative word being UNDERcurrent; something affected by yet another unwelcome--albeit more tolerable than that of Chang--alteration in Season 2) of inappropriateness. Por ejemplo...
ALL OF THIS BEING SAID, the point I'm trying to make here...Season 1 of Community is, in a word, PERFECT. Every episode (yes, even the pilot), is an enjoyable experience from start to finish. In my opinion, there isn't a single moment that rings false or disheartening. Our characters evolve naturally and the writing never betrays the personalities they establish. The comedy organically makes a gradual shift from somewhat standard--albeit well-written and acted--single-camera sitcom fare to humor generated AND aided by what we know of the Greendale universe.
Let me reiterate: IT'S PERFECT...
...which regrettably brings me to the reason I've decided to do this series.
Season 2 of Community premiered on September 23, 2010. After a summer wondering about the repercussions of the first season finale's jaw-dropping final shot and rewatching the episodes REPEATEDLY as they rolled by on Hulu, I couldn't wait to rejoin Jeff Winger and his Spanish-turned-Anthropology study group...and at first, things went swimmingly.
Over the next five episodes...something began to go HORRIBLY wrong...and that's where what's about to unfold here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" comes in.
Over the next 24 parts, I'll be rewatching each episode of Community's sophomore (resist the urge to make a mournful pun about it being sophomoric, Jeff) season, going beat-by-beat and trying to figure out how a show that once brought me so much joy could so drastically shift into something that caused me so much pain.
Feel free to disagree if you must, but let me have this. I need closure.
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Stay tuned for further editions of "Community Service", my dear readers; and keep a look out for more new content, coming a few times a week, right here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms".
Hello and welcome my friends, to the last-minute, nonexistent awards show blog entry that I've decided shall take the place of a staid, uninteresting all-network, analytical look at this fall's primetime network television schedule!
YES! It's the first annual "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" FALLY AWARDS!
Today, I will be recognizing the most intriguing (and in one special case; most horrifying) new series set to hit your screens this September-ish!
The following "awards" will be presented first by network, in order of the network's overall standing on television; followed by a special award for utter lack of excellence in television achievement; and then "THE BIG TWO" (nobody calls them that...yet), OVERALL MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - COMEDY and OVERALL MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - DRAMA!
...and now here to present the first--erm--well, ALL of the awards today, ladies and gentlemen...IT'S ME, JEFF HEATHERLY!
[APPLAUSE]
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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - THE CW: RINGER
Now, let's just be brutally honest right from the off. As you may have seen, The CW's new offerings are short in supply and tentatively possibly good at best. Having given myself the past two days to really let everything I've seen simmer in my head, I'm starting to see more potential in Ringer than at first glance. In my CW-specific entry, I compared it to The Fugitive and the more I thought about that, the more excited I got. There aren't many (if any) shows like that around anymore; what with the lone protagonist, mournfully shambling across the country, running from some pursuing force, setting things right that once went wrong and hoping each time that their next leap will be the leap home. ...Wait, what was I talking about?--Right. Ringer. Point is, if it lives up to that tradition, I could see myself enjoying many-a-Tuesday night with our former Slayer.
AIRING TUESDAYS AT 9/8c ON THE CW THIS FALL!
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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - NBC: (tie) THE PLAYBOY CLUB and FREE AGENTS
Before I begin, let me sincerely apologize for the music. Clearly, between last week and now, NBC has lost the online rights to pretty much every licensed song in these trailers--save for "Car Wash"--and I truly hope it didn't affect your enjoyment. (Honestly, it almost did for me...especially those godawful Sinatra and Tina Turner sound-alikes in the Playboy Club trailer.) With that out of the way, let me also qualify these selections as actually being the SECOND most promising shows on NBC this season (as you'll see coming up later)...but this is no slight to them. Since doing my network-by-network entries, I've been giving both these shows a lot more thought.
I've had a pretty strong inner debate in the battle of Playboy vs. ABC's Pan Am, and the fact is Hef keeps winning. A much more engaging cast, a greater sense of whimsy, thoroughly more eye-popping visuals (STILETTO HEEL IN THE EYE!)...it just looks a hell of a lot more fun. Like I said in my ABC entry, from a purely...Emmy-grabbing perspective, Pan Am's probably got the bunnies beat...but I'm in the mood to have a good time this season, and I think this one will provide.
Speaking of which, Free Agents. This go-round with the trailer, my mind wandered to another great NBC sitcom that flourished--for the most part--outside of the Thursday night line-up: NewsRadio. The two shows have taken a very similar--and very welcome--tack by having our romantic leads get the first secret sexual tryst out of the way right out of the gate, leaving the will they/won't they drama out of the equation and giving the writers room to focus on the non-stop funny. Come on, America. Hank Azaria has deserved his shot for A LONG TIME. Let's give it to him right here, right now. (SUGGESTIVE!)
THE PLAYBOY CLUBAIRING MONDAYS AT 10/9c ON NBC THIS FALL!
FREE AGENTS AIRING WEDNESDAYS AT 8:30/7:30c ON NBC THIS FALL!
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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - ABC: APARTMENT 23
Oh, rest assured, readers; I am as shocked as you are right now. This call literally came down the moment before I typed the title of the show up there. I was fully prepared to give the push to Once Upon A Time (which, once again, is more likely the better/more successful of the two "fairy tales are real" series this year), but then I just realized...GOD, I want to see this more. Seriously, if I could pick one of these two shows to premiere tonight...it's this. I just keep thinking about all the potential shenanigans our fictionalized version of The Beek is going to get into; my inexplicable swooning for KrystenRitter despite never having seen a single thing she's been in; laughing...really, just laughing. I'm in a pretty dark place in my life right now personally, and this year, I want to enjoy myself. I want to be engaged by something. Make me laugh, you former untrustworthy bitch, you.
AIRING MIDSEASON ON ABC!
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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - FOX: ALCATRAZ
Don't you just love that "Oh, snap! Shit's about to get REAL!" feeling? Over the past decade or so, no one has provided that feeling better than J.J. Abrams and the folks at Bad Robot Productions, and Alcatraz looks primed to carry on that tradition. Watching the trailer this time around, I found myself--more than anything--tremendously happy to see familiar faces like Jorge (HURLEY!) Garcia and Dr. Alan Grant/Merlin himself Sam Neill (who's gotten depressingly jowly over the years) on my screen. Let's be honest with ourselves. Out of all the former cast of Lost, nobody came away with more public goodwill than TV's Hugo Reyes, and in a Fall where it seems familiarity is a big selling point for a lot of shows, I can't deny smiling biggest at the sight of our favorite cursed lottery winner. Pop in cinema's most beloved paleontologist and BOOM!--We've got a show.
AIRING MONDAYS AT 9/8c MIDSEASON ON FOX!
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MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - CBS: PERSON OF INTEREST
(Hello again, J.J.) Jesus and Ben Linus are going to fuck some people up...and it's going to be ridiculously entertaining. In (roughly) the week since I first watched this trailer, the first viral marketing campaign for Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises (co-written by Person creator/co-executive producer Jonathan Nolan) has begun. Late last week, we all got our first look at Tom Hardy as Bane in next summer's final chapter of this particular Batman universe. Somehow--as minutely related as it is--it got me even more excited about this show. Seriously, to combine two of geekdom's most formidable figures (Abrams and The Nolans) is tantamount to the legendary (and fictional) creation of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Two great tastes that taste great together, indeed.
AIRING THURSDAYS AT 9/8c ON CBS THIS FALL!
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Before I get to our next award, I just want to take a moment to apologize for what I'm about to unleash upon you yet again. There are some pieces of "entertainment" that are so startlingly awful; so impossibly horrendous; so incredibly inexplicable in their mere existence that it forces one to ask a very powerful question: HOW DID THIS GET MADE? Five months ago, beloved comedian and Human Giant alum Paul Scheer established a podcast that set out to ask that very question about some of the most reviled and embattled films of all-time. However, this isn't a movie. This is a television show, so allow me to shamelessly (and respectfully) take Mr. Scheer's name and the title of his fantastic podcast and present you with the following...
THE UNAUTHORIZED PAUL SCHEER "HOW DID THIS GET MADE?" AWARD FOR TELEVISED AWFUL: WORK IT
I just have to say it again. Go to hell, ABC. The only bright side to Work It (which is the part where you ask "There's a bright side?") is that months from now if--by some act of utter Satanic evil--this trash actually makes it to air, you can use it to gauge who's really essential in your life. If you meet a single person who has the slightest interest in this show and/or enjoys it--and this is only because murder is illegal--you can feel secure knowing you'll never want to interact with that theoretical moron of such impeccably malignant taste ever again...and that's always a nice feeling. Certainty is nice, isn't it? Oh, and once again, go to hell, ABC.
AIRING HOPEFULLY NEVER (OR--GOD HELP US--MIDSEASON) ON ABC!
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...and now, if you survived that, here's your reward! It's time for the two biggest awards of the entry...
OVERALL MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - COMEDY: SUBURGATORY
After a nearly decade-long slump, ABC has really struck gold in comedy lately. With greatness like Cougar Town and inexplicably popular/award-winning fare like Modern Family and The Middle, they've finally--(with the exception of the preceding Fally Award winner)--made a massive leap away from their reputation as the network that gave According to Jim airtime for an impressively terrible EIGHT SEASONS. Suburgatory, with its great cast and crew, looks to be another feather in the Disney-owned network's comedy cap. Oh, and before anyone decides to get snarky about it--OF COURSE, they scored points with me for Tessa Altman's visual and stylistic resemblance to my beloved Emma Stone. (No shame in my game.)
AIRING WEDNESDAYS AT 8:30/7:30c ON ABC THIS FALL!
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OVERALL MOST PROMISING NEW SERIES - DRAMA: AWAKE
That was the third time I've watched that trailer since I covered NBC last week. There has yet to have been a single viewing of it upon which I haven't (1) started to tear up pretty immediately and (2) not immediately followed watching it by shaking my fists in the air and audibly yelling "WHY?! WHY ARE YOU NOT ON MY TV RIGHT NOW?!". I reiterate what I initially said about this: that this isn't airing until midseason is absolutely ASTONISHING to me. I haven't been so passionate that a show be given a chance to succeed in...longer than I can even remember. This show's presence is nothing short of ESSENTIAL to my 2011-2012 television season, and honestly, I can't fathom how anyone could possibly disagree. Over the last week, I have seriously contemplated organizing some sort of campaign to preemptively save it from even the remotest possibility of cancellation or even to get its premiere moved up to the late Fall. Bar-none, this will be THE BEST NEW SHOW OF THE SEASON. This is the one time...THE ONE TIME...I truly need NBC to not fuck up. Another reiteration: THIS IS YOUR LOST, NBC. THIS WILL SAVE YOU. PLEASE LET IT.
AIRING MIDSEASON (OR--FINGERS CROSSED--SOONER) ON NBC!
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...and that concludes the first annual "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms" Fally Awards! I hope you've enjoyed this special second look at the season's most promising new network series, and please TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THESE SHOWS.
ESPECIALLY AWAKE.
I shall return soon with more rantings, ravings, and ramblings.
Until then, this was only acceptable in 1980, ABC. You fucked up. BIG TIME.
Welcome back to my weeklong look at the new entertainments issuing forth from this week's 2011-2012 network upfronts!
Don't forget to come back tomorrow for a comprehensive look at the entire network slate; sure to be the most complicated thing I've written here all week.
Right now though, let's round things up with the new offerings from TV's unblinking eye, CBS; and when that's over, we'll take a look at the few new attractions from their baby sister network, The CW.
From the #1 network to the #5 network, let's see what's in store together. (You know the drill. New shows in ALL CAPS, schedule changes in italics.)
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CBS MONDAY:
8-8:30pm - How I Met Your Mother
8:30-9pm - 2 BROKE GIRLS
9-9:30pm - Two and a Half Men
9:30-10pm - Mike & Molly
10-11pm - Hawaii Five-O
2 BROKE GIRLS: The way I express my feelings of attraction has often been described as a "gayness for girls", which makes my feelings with regard to Kat Dennings extremely uncharacteristic of me. She makes me staunchly straight, and I'm somewhat ashamed to say the following: her chest FASCINATES me. I feel a bit more justified though in saying that that's about as close to having any interest in watching this show as you're going to get from me. It's a CBS sitcom, so it pretty much has to follow the standard--excepting The Big Bang Theory and to a growing lesser-and-lesser extent How I Met Your Mother--of being astonishingly bland, yet drawing the highest ratings in network television that week. In short, this show will be just fine...just not with any of my help. (By the by...seriously...how many "favors" did Chelsea Handler do for how many networks this year?--Her regulars keep popping up everywhere.)
MY VERDICT: A bland premise, a laugh track, and a pretty unappealing cast beyond Dennings just won't do for me. There aren't enough vehemently heterosexual fantasies in my head to change my mind.
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CBS TUESDAY:
8-9pm - NCIS*
9-10pm - NCIS: Los Angeles
10-11pm - UNFORGETTABLE
*Guess I didn't account for shows with abbreviated titles when coming up with my code. Oops.
UNFORGETTABLE: A few months back on a very funny episode of Kevin Smith's SModcast, my hero and his longtime producer/co-host Scott Mosier discussed hyperthymesia, the condition that allows the protagonist of this series--played by former Without A Trace star Poppy Montgomery (A GINGER! [swoon])--her (I would argue, cartoonishly) panoramic memory. Believe it or not, the statistic quoted in this trailer (only six people in America) is by all accounts, accurate; and randomly one of those people happens to be former Taxi and Evening Shade star MariluHenner. While I do agree that that's all pretty fascinating, I've known for a long time that CBS' cavalcade of police procedurals are pretty universally not for me. I realize I'm batting 0-2 right now in terms of in-depth analyses, but the fact is, this network is as successful as it is because it always plays it safe...and only just safe. There is very little distinguishable from one show to the next. (Hell, doesn't Jerry Bruckheimer produce, like, 85% of all CBS dramas at this point?) So, out of fairness, I'll just say this. This doesn't look bad at all. I'm sure it'll be a hit.
MY VERDICT: Outside of my universal love for the ginger, there's not much drawing me to this; yet another CBS police procedural. If some J.J. Abrams-like twist rolls in at some point, do let me know, but otherwise, I've got other things to watch.
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CBS WEDNESDAY:
8-9pm - Survivor
9-10pm - Criminal Minds
10-11pm - CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
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CBS THURSDAY:
8-8:30pm - The Big Bang Theory
8:30-9pm - HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN
9-10pm - PERSON OF INTEREST
10-11pm - The Mentalist
HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN: GOD...I wish this looked better than it does. There's too much awesome involved for it to look this...meh. Let's just get how great this cast is out of the way. At the top, we have David Hornsby--best known as the hilariously tragic former priest Rickety Cricket on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia--who also co-created this show. I've been a big supporter of this guy for years; from all the way back when he was "the asshole" Hutch on Spike TV's brilliant (you'll never hear that phrase again) reality TV spoof The Joe Schmo Show; a show that also notably launched the careers of Kristen Wiig and Kevin Smith's Hollywood Babble-On co-host Ralph Garman. Then you've got the rest of the list. DAVE FOLEY! RHYS DARBY! MARY-LYNN RAJSKUB! Kevin Dillon. Outside of that last one, this should be a dream collaboration...but it just doesn't look it. HOWEVER(!)...I'm feeling optimistic/generous right now. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that this is just a case of a bad trailer. Because if so, CBS may have just made a regular viewer of just one of their primetime series out of me.
MY VERDICT: I need this show to be as good as its cast, so I'm going to give this a try in the hopes that maybe...just maybe...it gets there.
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PERSON OF INTEREST: Okay. Forget what I just said...because THAT is how you make Jeff Heatherly a regular viewer of a CBS primetime series. If I ever meet the person who turned on the "Things Nerds Love Randomizing Generator" and had it come up with "J.J. Abrams meets the Nolan-verse", I'm going the shake the bloody fuck out of their hand. Now, I'll admit; in terms of all the prospective Michael Emerson/Bad Robot collaborations that have been tossed out since the end of Lost, I would have been just slightly more interested in the proposed series that would have co-starred the former Benjamin Linus and the former John Locke (Terry O'Quinn, in case you didn't know...but let's face it; you did) as retired C.I.A. operatives doing freelance mercenary/spy work...but I suppose this will have to do. I dig the cast. I dig the atmosphere. I dig the look. I dig the people behind it all. Folks...I DIG THIS.
MY VERDICT: Well done, CBS. I'm TOTALLY in.
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CBS FRIDAY:
8-9pm - A GIFTED MAN
9-10pm - CSI: NY*
10-11pm - Blue Bloods.
*See above.
A GIFTED MAN: First, a demand of Hollywood: you need to cast Patrick Wilson and Chris Pratt as brothers in something IMMEDIATELY. Second, you need to cast Patrick Wilson in something that isn't THIS. Like most CBS shows, this doesn't look all that bad, but it also doesn't look all that good either. After all, that's their m.o.: harmless (and RIDICULOUSLY successful) mediocrity. Cinema's Nite Owl II deserves better. ...God, even that seems too harsh. Would you, the reader hate me if I just said...
MY VERDICT:...no thanks. I honestly can't muster the energy to discuss this any further. I just don't care.
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FINAL THOUGHTS - CBS:
Wow. That couldn't have petered out any harder if I'd tried...but, so goes CBS.
COMEDY! (That was me trying to wake myself up.) We've only got two options here, and for its infinitely larger potential for quality, I give my support to How to Be A Gentleman. However, logic would dictate that the winner of the day will be the insipid (yet visually pleasing) 2 Broke Girls. It's a comedy (or probably more appropriately "comedy"). On a Monday night. On CBS. It'll be on for, like, nine years.
DRAMA! (Okay, I'm awake.) PERSON. OF. INTEREST. Let's be honest. When's the last time CBS gave a truly serialized primetime drama a fair shot? (Have they ever?) Even better question: how often are two such formidable nerd worlds (J.J. Abrams and the Nolans) going to collide like this? I have to hope that this show's marked difference from the usual dramatic fare on this network doesn't hurt it AND that its cushy timeslot (where CSI: used to reside) will be enough to sustain what looks to be a thoroughly original and thoroughly engrossing hour of television...and you know, if worse comes to worse, maybe J.J. will give The Ben/Locke Funtime Retired C.I.A. Kickass Variety Hour another try. Unforgettable might have a microscopic chance of garnering my attention with its lovely ginger, but that's--I reiterate--a microscopic chance. Once again, I kindly decline, A Gifted Man.
...and just as soon as it came, so ends my look at CBS.
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Journey with me now to the dank David Fincher-esque basement of the CBS household, where chained to a radiator we find its wild, unbroken, feral little sister The CW, and its small bag of new product...
NOTE: In an effort to keep their reputation as the little network that could but usually doesn't, the fine folks at The CW have neglected to provide trailers longer than 31 seconds apiece. However, they HAVE included longer (and more telling) actual clips from the shows, hence the impending overload of video content. I do apologize.
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THE CW MONDAY:
8-9pm - Gossip Girl
9-10pm - HART OF DIXIE
HART OF DIXIE: I'm proud to say I never watched a single episode of The OC, so I got to know Rachel Bilson through alternative (and much more bearable) means such as her role in The Last Kiss and her recurring role on Chuck a few years ago. My standard feeling on her is that she's adorable and so tiny that you just want to carry her around in your pocket. My more educated feeling is that she's not ever going to be the reason why I watch something. Now, the thing is--and this is probably going to shock some people--I kind of ACTUALLY want to see this. I've lived in the south my entire life, and no matter how much I despise what it stands for politically and culturally...it's home. Watching these clips reminded me of the simpler love I had for my region before I turned 15 and started seeing through the bullshit. I kind of long for that. That's why I have such an appreciation for things like Fried Green Tomatoes, Smokey and the Bandit, and Mama's Family. I got that same warm, nostalgic feeling watching those clips. I'm truly sorry I'm about to say this--especially considering that Nancy Travis' presence means this show will be dead before January--but...
MY VERDICT: ...I'm going to watch this. That's where my brain is right now. I'm sure my DVR will end up being too busy on Monday nights to let me...but right now, I'm saying yes. (What the hell is happening to me?)
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THE CW TUESDAY:
8-9pm - 90210
9-10pm - RINGER
RINGER: As a die-hard fan of that show, I can tell you with the fullest confidence that no one--I repeat, NO ONE--watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer for Buffy, and I won't deny it; that attitude lost Sarah Michelle Gellar a lot of goodwill with some people. So trying to sell this show almost SOLELY on her return to network television may not be the best tack to take. To be fair though, this show may not be able to sell itself alone, either...and that may be no one's fault. Its plot is fucking SERPENTINE AS FUCK. I'm not even going to attempt to explain it, so I'll just provide you with this link to the show's official "about" page and wait for you to read it before we continue, m'kay? ... ... ...Okay, now let's get down to it. Despite everything I just said up there, I'm rather happy to see our Slayer back on TV. I don't know, but watching those clips took me back to those halcyon days of putting a Y on the end of every word to turn it into an adjective and Xander getting back the memory of seeing King Ralph. Do I think this will be remotely as enjoyable/memorable?--Hell no. Does it have the potential to be an interesting watch?--Yes. I mean, to be fair, it'll be much more intrigue and skulduggery (I'm 65-years-old) than demons and asskickery, but with such an expansive concept right from the off, this could be a really gripping experience in a very The Fugitive kind of way. Plus, it boasts the network television return of yet another former Lost cast member in the form of the undeniably dreamy, perpetually (and naturally) eye-lined ex-Richard Alpert, Mr. Nestor Carbonell. There's a definite initial draw here, at the very least.
MY VERDICT: I'll watch the pilot, to be sure. In terms of my level of interest, we're about where I was with Nikita last year, and look at how AWESOME that ended up being. (YAY for Season 2!) Let's do this, Slayer.
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THE CW WEDNESDAY:
8-9pm - H8R*
9-10pm - America's Next Top Model
*Ugh...and that's capitalized, too.
H8R: Fuck you, A.C. Slater. For making me type the moronic title of your show TWICE, and for creating probably the second-biggest piece of garbage (check the last show of my ABC entry for the biggest) on network TV this fall. I'm not even going to explain this one, so...I don't know, here's another "about" link. ...You know, there's a sick part of me that could appreciate this show if--AND ONLY IF--the people being "hated on" didn't deserve EVERY OUNCE of it. (I gave you the above clip because it was the shorter of the two preview clips available, so you're welcome; although, if you want to see someone call Snooki a "drunken slob" to her face, feel free to check out the other one at your own risk.) Ugh. ...Just...UGH.
MY VERDICT: I don't know if there's a clearer way to say FUCK NO.
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THE CW THURSDAY:
8-9pm - The Vampire Diaries
9-10pm - THE SECRET CIRCLE
THE SECRET CIRCLE: Somebody decided to combine the feminism and sorcery of The Craft (which I only saw for the first time recently and loved the fuck out of it) with the emo facial expressions and sparkly abstinence of Twilight (the worst thing to happen to pop culture in...maybe ever) and this was the result. If you're interested, then go ahead and watch this. If you're not, congratulations; you're intelligent and have decent taste. (Poor Natasha Henstridge.)
MY VERDICT: Light as a feather, stiff as a board made of NO FUCKING WAY.
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THE CW FRIDAY:
8-9pm - Nikita
9-10pm - Supernatural
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THE CW MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD):
REMODELED: So...Kitchen Nightmares for modeling agencies?--Pretty much. I gave you this clip because it seemed more introductory to our Gordon Ramsay of the fashion world, Paul Fisher. (The other slightly more hateful (but in the most cattily entertaining way possible) clip features Fisher tossing pictures of this agency's models across a room yelling, "NOT A MODEL! NOT A MODEL!".) I can certainly see where the kitschy, Vh1 reality-esque appeal is here, but I can kindly say I'm not remotely this show's true demographic. Maybe someday I'll end up watching it with a friend or a lady I'm courting, but otherwise, it was nice meeting you Mr. Fisher. Goodbye and God bless.
MY VERDICT: I have no further pressing business with this show, but hey, when it inevitably (and justly) ends up replacing H8R (DAMN YOU, SLATER! A THIRD TIME!), I'll certainly tip my cap to it.
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FINAL THOUGHTS - THE CW:
Oh, The CW. I wish you were still the two other networks you used to be. Let's get started.
Okay, comedy! ...Oh. Right. Okay, CW. Your assignment for next year: GET SOME COMEDIES.
So, drama then. For purely sentimental reasons, I'm putting my weight behind Hart of Dixie. It probably won't survive past January, and not just because of the Nancy Travis curse. It honestly looks too sweethearted and genuine for...pretty much everything else on this network. So, realistically, my second choice is Ringer. Like I said, I don't know if putting the full brunt of your marketing campaign behind the return of Sarah Michelle Gellar to television was the best move, but the show definitely has potential. (Resist the urge to make a Season 7 Buffy joke, Jeff.) Finally, The Secret Circle will be huge because of its timeslot and because young people of today have worse and worse taste as the generations go on, so...yeah.
Oh...God help me, I'm about to do a paragraph about reality television. (Lord, beer me strength.)
In all seriousness, when this season is over, I want to find each and every copy of every episode of...The Mario Lopez-Created Reality Show That Must Not Be Named Again and ABC's Work It and set them ablaze. Nothing else this season looks more vile. Remodeled could be fun, though. I won't be making a point to watch it...but it could be fun.
...and mercifully, so ends my look at The CW, and indeed my individual looks at all the broadcast networks' new output for 2011-2012. I won't lie. It's not going to be the best year; something I'll cover a bit more thoroughly tomorrow when I take a look at the collective day-by-day schedule of all five networks in my network upfronts wrap-up.
Until then, never forget. (No, seriously, don't. That movie is AWESOME.)
(You know, if you stare at that logo long enough...it starts to look REALLY tasty. I'm just trying to figure out if it's a Junior Mint or a black M&M.)
Welcome back, ladles and jellyspoons! 'Tis time for us to continue our journey through the programmery revealed during this week's network television upfronts! First, a quick reminder of what I've got in store for you over the weekend:
CBS/The CW, tomorrow (May 21)
a comprehensive look at the entire 2011-2012 network television schedule, Sunday (May 22)
...and now, ONWARD! Today, we take a look at the selections issuing forth from Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head, courtesy of the American Broadcasting Company! (As always, new shows in ALL CAPS, schedule changes in italics.)
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MONDAY:
8-10pm - Dancing with the Stars
10pm-11pm - Castle
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TUESDAY:
8-8:30pm - LAST MAN STANDING
8:30-9pm - MAN UP
9-10pm - Dancing with the Stars
10-11pm - Body of Proof
LAST MAN STANDING: ...Oh, boy. Here's the thing. A few years ago when the snootier members of my generation decided they hated Tim Allen, I was in the minority who didn't entirely understand why. As such, I'll come to his defense right now and say I don't hold him personally responsible for how bloody awful this looks. What we've just seen disappoints me for a number of reasons. One, this show comes to us from Jack Burditt, who is best known as one of the most prolific writers for 30 Rock. Two, I thought given their success in single-camera comedies (and pretty universal failure in multi-camera) over the past three years or so, ABC was past this kind of thing. Three...seriously?--You bring back the star of one of the most successful television comedies of all-time and THIS is what you give him? Sad, sad, sad. You'll also note this show bears the burden of one of modern television's most formidable show-killers, Nancy Travis. She's a talented woman, but I defy you to find a show she's been cast in over the last 21 years that DIDN'T end within two seasons of her presence. In short, my friends...
MY VERDICT: ...hello and goodbye, Last Man Standing.You're outdated, poorly cast, and you look just plain awful...although, not remotely as awful as ABC's other multi-camera offering this season. (Brace yourselves when I get to the midseason shows, readers.)
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MAN UP: So, I need to be careful what I say here. I feel it's an honest mistake considering how unmemorable and somewhat similar their titles are, but before watching that trailer, I incorrectly braced myself a little too hard for the aforementioned midseason multi-camera comedy, and to be honest, it probably put me in the wrong temper. So, with teeth gritted, my response is thus...meh. Actually, I'd say that's a pretty fair assessment. This show comes to us from perpetual television comedy failure Christopher Moynihan; seen here as the quiet, spiky-haired guitarist of our trio who ISN'T Dan Fogler or Mike Powers from Reno 911! (a.k.a. Mather Zickel...wow, what a name). Mr. Moynihan is most recently famous (or more likely, not) for creating last summer's quickly-dumped 100 Questions on NBC. Want more Moynihan mediocrity?--Deal with this list: NBC's infamous (and infamously disastrous) American Coupling, the quickly-cancelled 2001 NBC midseason Brian Dennehy-led comedy The Fighting Fitzgeralds, and--a show I actually quite liked--the sadly long-forgotten UPN clay-animated comedy Gary & Mike. The man simply doesn't have the best track record, and with a hefty dose of pity, this probably won't be the anomaly. A real shame, because with Fogler and Zickel (who both deserve better; and once again, what a name) by his side, I freely admit this could be worlds better than the cavalcade of sitcom cliché we just witnessed. In a weird way, I'm rooting for this show, but still...
MY VERDICT: ...I feel pretty confident we'll have forgotten this show even existed by January, so...maybe I'll watch on Hulu out of curiosity, but otherwise, nope.
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WEDNESDAY:
8-8:30pm - The Middle
8:30-9pm - SUBURGATORY
9-9:30 - Modern Family
9:30-10pm - Happy Endings
10-11pm - REVENGE
SUBURGATORY: Well, wasn't that a delightful little surprise? I went into that trailer knowing precisely DICK about this show, and I'm suddenly imbued with a pretty healthy dose of hope for ABC's new comedy slate. Now, I'm usually pretty violently adverse to antiquated and/or cartoonish portrayals of teenage life; particularly high school cliques (one of the many reasons why--despite who wrote it--I've never cared for Mean Girls), but what I appreciate about this show--or what I can gather of it--is that it's not intended to be realistic. It's a living cartoon, and I dig that. It's no surprise, though; this coming to us courtesy of Emily Kapnek, who created the wonderful late-'90s NicktoonAs Told By Ginger and wrote quite possibly this season's funniest episode of Parks and Recreation ("Ron and Tammy: Part Two"). Bolstering my goodwill toward Kapnek, we have a tremendous cast that--as you saw--includes Jeremy Sisto, Cheryl Hines (who I'm always on the fence about, but usually end up okay with), Ana Gasteyer, and one of my favorites--and not at all for Firefly (believe it or not, I'm that rarest of nerds who didn't care for that show)--Mr. Alan Tudyk! With Cougar Town being cruelly held back until midseason, I needed something to make my Wednesday nights worthwhile. Thanks, Suburgatory.
MY VERDICT: I'm SO in.
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REVENGE: There's probably some terrific cosmic irony afoot when I tell you that I completely forgot to cover this show until I finished the blurb for the first midseason show on my list (coming up shortly). Late last year, I heard rumblings that there was talk of ABC doing a modernized series adaptation of one of my favorite books, Alexandre Dumas' classic The Count of Monte Cristo. The idea of Edmond Dantés (or given what someone probably would have though was clever, Edward Daniels or somesuch) taking his well-earned vengeance on those who had wronged him in the digital age intrigued the BLUE FUCK out of me. I pretty much forgot that was even an idea until this show came about. Now, I don't want to scare anyone...but MY GOD, do I love a revenge tale! I've seen a lot of injustice in my life, and watching someone get what's coming to them is tremendously satisfying to me. Even better when they're overly-botoxed, rich assholes like the ones we see here. (In this economy, this may be the best show to ever exist.) That being said, I don't know if I can entirely believe Emily Van Camp in this part. Back in 2002, when The WB'sEverwood premiered, I recall watching the pilot simply because I'd spotted her in an ad and had been pretty thoroughly enchanted. (I didn't stick around, though. ...I mean, it was fucking Everwood.) She had a very quiet yet intoxicating intelligence about her. I don't know if I can see that attached to sweet bloody justice. I welcome the chance to be surprised, though. Outside of Van Camp, we've got a pretty unremarkable/in-notable cast, save for a fellow who'll always be Alan M to me, Mr. Gabriel Mann, who looks to be a possible accomplice in our plot. Then again, isn't that what people love about slasher movies?--Faceless-yet-deserving victims getting offed. I think I can get behind that here.
MY VERDICT: I'll certainly watch the pilot, and if they can tease me with the promise of sweeter and sweeter payback every week, they'll have me.
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THURSDAY:
8-9pm - CHARLIE'S ANGELS
9-10pm - Grey's Anatomy
10-11pm - Private Practice
CHARLIE'S ANGELS: As I mentioned on Wednesday during my blurb on NBC'sPrime Suspect, I'm a big fan of strong portrayals of women. I am, however, as equally NOT a fan of when they're done incorrectly...and that may be the least of my qualms about all this. The truth is, this just looks mind-numbingly bland, which is disappointing with nerd-friendly writers Alfred Gough and Miles Millar (who co-gave us Spider-Man 2 and the earlier seasons of Smallville) at the helm. Additionally, what an utterly uncharismatic cast! Our new Angels are instantly forgettable, and by ditching the standard of Bosley being portrayed by a regular-Joe comic actor, they've pretty much killed the entire point. What's worse, they've truly shortchanged themselves by giving us this boring, uninteresting voice for Charlie, instead of the man who'll be truly giving the orders when the show hits the air: Robert "Number Two" Wagner. It's just a miss from all sides. If anyone really wants a good modern take on this concept--outside of the movies (which I haven't seen, but I hear mostly favorable things)--look no further than nine years ago, and a WILDLY underrated (and very, VERY funny) syndicated series by the name of She-Spies...but stop before Season 2. You'll thank me later.
MY VERDICT: I wish you looked better, show. I really do. Good luck making it past January.
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FRIDAY:
8-9pm - Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
9-10pm - Shark Tank
10-11pm - 20/20
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SATURDAY:
8-11pm - Saturday Night College Football
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SUNDAY:
7-8pm - America's Funniest Home Videos
8-9pm - ONCE UPON A TIME
9-10pm - Desperate Housewives
10-11pm - PAN AM
ONCE UPON A TIME: Okay, let me just get this out of the way. ...Storybrooke? Seriously? Now that that's out of my system, here we go; the second of our two "fairy tales are real" series this fall and I have to say, I'm feeling this considerably more than NBC'sGrimm. Moreover, I think this show's got a much better chance at making it past midseason. So let's talk why. For starters--misleading though the phrase "from the writers of Lost" may be (this isn't Darlton'shandywork; it's an Edward Kitsis/Adam Horowitz project)--I have a good feeling about our story. It's far more expansive than Grimm and won't be shackled by its monster-of-the-week construct. Then there's the cast...or specifically, the two that I've actually heard of. We have Robert Carlyle--who's been good in my book since The Full Monty--in the role of Rumpelstiltskin, and then we have the real draw--pardon me while I swoon--the always-adorable Ginnifer Goodwin as Snow White. Honestly, you could kind of sell me on this show SOLELY on that. Luckily, we've also got some pretty magical visuals coming at us; giving us the living fairy tale Grimm probably never will. In short, advantage: ABC.
MY VERDICT: If done right, this could be the appointment television my Sunday nights have needed for quite a while. I sincerely hope the pilot enchants and delights.
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PAN AM: ...and here we come to network television's other attempt to Mad Men themselves (see: The Playboy Club on NBC). It's weird. I didn't really enjoy this trailer, and yet, I feel like this may end up the better show. Like, seeing this makes Playboy seem like it's trying too hard, with its glitzy decor and its actors playing '60s music stars. This is just, plain and simple, cut and dried 1960s...'60s-ness. I still think I'll like Playboy better...but there's something working here that I can't quite identify. It's not the cast; whose only real NAME is Christina Ricci, who this trailer made me realize I have pretty much no opinion on whatsoever. It's not the names behind the camera; Thomas Schlamme has directed as much crap as he's directed Emmy-winning Aaron Sorkin shows. ...but something is working, and honestly...
MY VERDICT: ...I'll probably watch the pilot just to try to figure out what that is. Otherwise, I don't see how they can sustain ongoing, engaging storylines with this premise...but then again, I said the same thing about Mad Men originally, and look how that turned out.
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MIDSEASON (TimeslotsTBD):
GOOD CHRISTIAN BELLES: So, I'm going to break a few hearts here. I REALLY don't care for Kristin Chenoweth. I'm sorry. I just fucking don't. I find her to be a shrill, one-note actress and I'm tired of her being cast on terrible shows just to draw in some of my more susceptible fellow theatre nerds. This is pretty much no exception. Now, some of you remember this show as one of ABC's two shows originally with the word "bitch" in the title. (You'll meet the other one shortly.) I'll go ahead and already say that the whole debacle that eventually led to both of those shows changing their names to something more family-friendly REALLY lost them some goodwill from me; not because I'm offended at profanity (seriously, have you met me?), but because they were both UNBELIEVABLY transparent attempts to court controversy to put attention on two--as far as I knew--pretty unremarkable shows. Cheap tactics like that are so stupid/obvious and THAT is what offends me. ALL OF THAT BEING SAID...let me try to focus on the content itself. First off, as you'll notice, that wasn't a full trailer; merely a preview clip. (I can't confirm whether or not that'll be the case with all the midseason shows; I literally write these blurbs one-at-a-time, as I watch the clips.) As such, in a weird way, we have less on which to judge its merits...which, I will say, I don't see many. I've said it many times so far; I like strong portrayals of women. That doesn't mean casting them as conniving, childish, brain-dead trophy wives. So, no--I'm not going to wait until my "verdict"--I most certainly WON'T be watching this show. They almost had me with Annie Potts showing up in full Designing Women mode...but it just wasn't enough.
MY VERDICT: A universe of NO.
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THE RIVER: GOD...I can't count how many times that just had me and then lost me and then had me and then lost me and so on and so forth. Let me attempt to take you on my journey. HAD ME: Bruce Greenwood. 'Nuff said. LOST ME: That voice I hear is not Michelle Forbes (who--I think we can all agree--should be in EVERYTHING), but in fact Leslie Hope, best known as the late Teri Bauer on 24. HAD ME: Oh, shit. Bruce Greenwood's missing. (...while at the same time...) LOST ME: Ugh. I guess that means Bruce Greenwood'll be recurring at best. HAD ME: Awesome. Let's go find Bruce Greenwood. LOST ME: OOH! Is that Erica Durance (who some of you will know as the recently ended Smallville's Lois Lane) with blonde hair?!--Oh. Nope. Not her. HAD ME: Oh, snap! An uncharted location! Let's get our Lost on, bitches. LOST ME (and yet still kind of HAD ME): Oh...it's a fake documentary now. LOST ME COMPLETELY AGAIN: DUN-DUN! "That was from inside." ...Seriously? Are we doing this? KIND OF HAD ME: Ooh, Spielberg! LOST ME AGAIN REALLY HARD: FUCK PARANORMAL ACTIVITY UP ITS OVERRATED ASS! (That one lasted through the montage of people being thrown around.) HAD ME ENOUGH TO GIVE IT A CHANCE AGAIN: The words-flying-at-the-screen montage; particularly Bruce Greenwood holding fire in his hands. LOST ME: More people being thrown around. HAD ME: "There is magic out there. So let's go see it." HUGE overhead shot of the massively serpentine river. END.
MY VERDICT: I fully expect the pilot to be the same rollercoaster of emotions, but if it ends on a HAD ME like that trailer, we might be in for a pretty fun and unique television experience.
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SCANDAL: There are a few actresses out there that the world seems convinced are brimming with talent and yet I always have to be the one to recognize that they're actually bloody awful. It's a list that includes Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Annette Bening, and so on and so forth. This show's star Kerry Washington is most assuredly one of those...and the fact is, that may honestly be enough for me to go ahead and walk away from this show right now. (Grey's Anatomy creator Shondra Rimes being at the helm isn't helping matters much, either.) However, ABC was smart. They knew exactly the kinds of things to slip in there to keep me from completely trashing this show; things like Desmond Hume himself Henry Ian Cusick (with an American accent!) and slathering their soundtrack with selections from Adele's 21. Will their sly charms be enough to sway me?
MY VERDICT: ...Eh, probably not. Let's face it. When Charlie's Angels inevitably tanks, they'll more than likely slip this in on Thursday nights at 8; giving Shondra Rimes the whole night to herself (with Grey's and Private Practice) and giving me no reason to choose this over Community (which will hopefully improve this year) and Parks and Recreation over on NBC. Nice try, though. Nice try.
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APARTMENT 23: At last we come to ABC's other at-one-time "bitch"-titled series. Much like the aforementioned Good Christian Belles, the show formerly (and quite cumbersomely) known as Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 lost a lot of goodwill with me on its title alone. To be honest, I feel a bit guilty about that in this particular case, because this looks far more appealing (and far less in need of a gimmicky hook). I would also say--judging by this trailer--that that longer title will probably be pretty obsolete by episode 2, as it makes it pretty clear that our naïve and bubbly heroine (played by Dreama Walker; nice to meet you) and the formerly titular bitch (Krysten Ritter, who makes me swoon like I've seen her in something before and yet I haven't) will be the best of begrudging friends once all the hijinks we just saw are said and done. So, where will we go from there?--Well, I feel pretty secure thinking that's where The Beek will come in. Much like Jennifer Grey in the critically-acclaimed (and infuriatingly-titled) 1999 comedy It's Like, You Know..., TV's former Dawson Leery will be playing a somewhat self-parodying version of himself (an earlier version of this trailer featured a scene in which we discover that he's installed a mechanism on his staircase that plays Paula Cole's "I Don't Want To Wait" whenever they're in use), which I'm honestly pretty damned up for. With this, plus a hilarious and welcome cameo in a fantastic Daily Show piece a few months back, the fellow couldn't be any more alright by me. Outside of all of that, this will probably fall into some traditional sitcom shenanigans, but if they're done cleverly enough, this could prove the other crown comedy jewel of ABC's new lineup. I look forward to it.
MY VERDICT: I freely admit there's a decent chance that--once you get past the novelties--this could be awful...but I want to believe otherwise. I'm most certainly giving this one a shot.
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Hey, remember earlier when I told you to brace yourself?--NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME. (Seriously, this is going to hurt a bit...no, fuck it; A LOT.)
WORK IT: SWEET. FUCKING. CHRIST. Where in the bloody hell do I begin? Watching that (for unfortunately, my third time) genuinely made my heart hurt. Like, can we find the people responsible for this abomination and have them killed? ...No, seriously, can we? That this antiquated, unfunny, insulting, BEYOND lowest common denominator GARBAGE made it past the pitches phase is simply ASTONISHING. I don't give a damn about the cast. I don't give a damn who's involved. If this makes it to air, there is no justice in the world. This is nothing less than utterly unacceptable. There are so many reasons that this show should be cast into the fires of entertainment hell ASAP, but I'll just stick with one of my recurring tacks here at "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms": the portrayal of strong, intelligent women. SHAME on every last woman involved in this. Anyone with even the SLIGHTEST of intelligence would take one look at these two men in drag and immediately call horseshit. That this series dares to suggest that we should accept that the women in this office would fall for this ruse WEEK AFTER GODDAMNED WEEK is a crime against humanity. I know smart, strong women. They would destroy this. Honestly, do I have to even say it?
MY VERDICT: Go to hell, ABC. Just...go to hell. (...and just in case ANYONE is going to have the gall to use the Bosom Buddies argument on me...JUST FUCKING DON'T. It was the '80s and we were far more accepting of terrible things back then. Plus, that show gave us Tom Hanks, so go fuck yourself.)
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FINAL THOUGHTS:
I sincerely apologize for ending that on such an ungodly sour note. Let's all take a moment to breathe and try to forget that ever existed.
...
...Okay. Let's talk ABC, in general.
First up, comedy. Let me put my thorough support behind Suburgatory and (to a more tentative extent) Apartment 23 right now. While I'm still stinging with the announcement of Cougar Town (ABC's best comedy; sorry, misinformed Modern Family fans) being held out until midseason, this lineup needed a big pick-me-up and Suburgatory especially might be just what the doctor ordered. Man Up has a vague amount of potential once you get past the annoying voice shrilly intoning "MAN UP!" in the background repeatedly in the trailer. My deepest apologies to Tim Allen. I really wanted Last Man Standing to look better, but not to be.
...Oh, did I miss one? [shuffles through the list, ignoring the vacuum of unfunny coming from the bottom] Nope, didn't think so.
On to drama! I should mention that one midseason series went un-blurbed here--a Taken-esque abduction drama called Missing, starring Ashley Judd and Sean Bean--as it didn't have any promotional footage. Maybe I'll come back to it at a later date, but more likely, not. As for what we saw here, it's all pretty tentative. Once Upon A Time is certainly the frontrunner in my mind, followed distantly by Revenge and The River. Of course, I'll be doing a comparative study of Pan Am and NBC's The Playboy Club (possibly even as an entry here), so there's that. Good Christian Belles and Scandal...once again, no thanks.
...and that should do it for ABC, everybody. Thanks again for your kind words and please keep the comments coming. I really appreciate it.
Join me here tomorrow for our final network-specific ramble, courtesy of CBS and its oft-ignored baby sister network The CW.
(You like that?--Snazzy, right?)
