The Fall of Broadcast Television 2012: ABC

Hello.  Is there anybody in there?  Just nod if you can hear me.  Is there anyone home...

...to welcome back to "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms"?  (That was ELABORATE.)

My coverage of the 2012 Network Upfronts is now moving at a much brisker pace.  NBC brought me so low, only for FOX--much like your love--to keep on lifting me higher. (HIGHER AND HIGHER!)

(Why am I feeling so musical today?)

In this installment, I cross my fingers that the folks at the Walt Disney corporation will be able to keep my spirits elevated as I look at the new batch of programs (pronounced PRO-GRUMS, because I feel like it) from ABC.

AS ALWAYS...new shows are denoted by ALL CAPS, and schedule changes by italics.

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MONDAY

(Fall)
8-10pm - Dancing with the Stars

10-11pm - Castle

(Spring)

8-10pm - The Bachelor

10-11pm - Castle

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TUESDAY

(Fall)

8-9pm - Dancing with the Stars Results Show

9-9:30pm - Happy Endings

9:30-10pm - Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

10-11pm - Private Practice

(Spring)

8-8:30pm - HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS (FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE)

8:30-9pm - THE FAMILY TOOLS

9-9:30pm - Happy Endings

9:30-10pm - Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

10-11pm - Private Practice

HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS (FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE): Okay. First off, ABC...COOL IT WITH THE UNWIELDY TITLES!  Second...there is too much good involved in this for this to look as unwatchable as it does.  While I enjoy Brad Garrett (and who in their right mind doesn't?) and Elizabeth Perkins, and their general cantankerousness and inappropriateness is humorous at its very root...I just know it's going to get old REALLY fast.  Also, while Sarah Chalke is never not MADE of charming, I can't find humor in the "unpaid labor" joke; it's the same reason why I didn't like NBC's Up All Night last season.  (There's nothing funny about irresponsible parenting.  I live in a town full of it, and I just can't laugh at it anymore.)  True, that was just one joke, but I just can't shake the feeling of overall midseason blandness coming out of this trailer's every pore.  As such...
MY VERDICT: ...in the words of the great Leonard Maltin, I'm giving this my NOT vote.  It pains me to do so, too.  Like I said, this show has potential to spare on casting ALONE.  (One also notes the presence of the great Canadian actor and comedian Jon Dore.  He's the beardy fellow we see brief flashes of.)  Too bad it seems like the one-note humor drains all that potential away with depressing ease.  Shame.  

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THE FAMILY TOOLS: "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!" wails this show's star Kyle Bornheimer.  I know they're talking about his nail gun injury, but to a number of us, we're hearing the plaintive cries of a perennial star of cancelled network sitcoms.  CBS' Worst Week in 2008. A guest spot on ABC's Better Off Ted in 2009 followed by a starring role in their Romantically Challenged in 2010.  NBC's Perfect Couples in 2011, and just weeks ago, their quickly-burned-off Bent.  ...and the sad truth is, I see the same fate in this show.  This looks just plain forgettable.  In addition to the distressing track record of Mr. Bornheimer, ABC seems to be developing a pattern of having seasons of (mostly) great comedic breakouts, followed by seasons of bland, unfunny filler.  This year is quickly looking to be the latter.  There is nothing about this show that is going to bring people to their television screens, because we've seen the same basic premise (screwup kid comes home, squares off with tough parent, both come to understanding, alleged shenanigans ensue) come and go countless times in the last decade or so, and bringing in pros like J.K. Simmons, Adam Arkin and Leah Remini is just window dressing.  No point in belaboring it...
MY VERDICT: ...Sorry, Kyle.  This one's a bust, too.

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WEDNESDAY

8-8:30 - The Middle

8:30-9pm - Suburgatory

9-9:30 - Modern Family

9:30-10pm - THE NEIGHBORS

10-11pm - NASHVILLE

THE NEIGHBORS: ... ... ...Did that really just happen?  JESUS TAP-DANCING JONES.  Do I even have to explain myself?  I just...no...let's move on as quickly as we can, so...
MY VERDICT: ...NO.  NO.  NO.  NO.  NO.  NO.  NO.  NO.  NO.  NO. NO.  (We have an early frontrunner for this year's Work It, kids.)

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NASHVILLE: I am officially VERY conflicted.  I'm going to try to explain why as best as I can.  There's one part of me that is going to watch this show.  (I'm going to watch this.)  That's just the way it is.  I try not to let my heterosexuality guide my pop cultural choices...but I've been a sucker for Hayden Panettiere since we were both children.  Additionally, I've developed a pronounced swoon for Connie Britton since the later days of Spin City.  (I'm going to watch this.)  Then...there's that other part of me...that just wants to yell and rant and kvetch about how this just looks like a TV series version of Country Strong sans the drug storyline and the unappealingness of Gwyneth Paltrow when she's not playing Pepper Potts.  (I'm going to watch this.)  Then...there's YET ANOTHER part of me that squeed as only I can at the sight of Whose Line Is It Anyway? alum Chip Esten in a dramatic role(!) as Connie Britton's bandmate/Hayden's seductee.  (Whose Line? is, without question, my favorite series of all-time.)  Then...(I'm going to watch this.)...there's a FURTHER part of me that fucking DESPISES country music (mainly from the late '90s on; I grew up on early '90s country and I refuse to feel shame about that) and has ZERO interest in watching a show in which I'm supposed to take it seriously as its MacGuffin.  So, to recap...
MY VERDICT: ...SO conflicted.  (I'm going to watch this.)  So much about this show is...I guess beneath me is the best phrase for it.  (I'm going to watch this.)  ...and like I said, I don't want to let the fact that the two stars make me swoon be the key reason that I watch it.  (I'm going to watch this.)  I'm so ashamed.  (I'm going to watch this.)  I really shouldn't watch this.  (I'm going to watch this.)  Maybe I'll be strong enough to resist it, come the fall.  (I'm going to watch this.) ...MAYBE.

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THURSDAY

8-9pm - LAST RESORT

9-10pm - Gray's Anatomy

10-11pm - Scandal

LAST RESORT: OH, MY GOD.  I'm not even going to bother waiting for my verdict to tell you: I'M WATCHING THE HELL OUT OF THIS.  I'll admit.  As soon as they started dancing, I was already formulating various snarky retorts...and then...THE REST OF THE TRAILER HAPPENED.  I was a faithful viewer of 24 for its first five seasons...and then I realized I was watching bullshit conservative propaganda and bailed out.  I'm not saying this is propaganda...but if it is, at least it's propaganda I can agree with.  (A LIBERAL-MINDED MILITARY SHOW?  WHY IS THIS ONLY NOW HAPPENING?)  Also, to answer everyone's question; yes, that IS the Lost island.  Now, I do have some concerns.  CBS owns Thursday nights from 8 to 9.  NBC sublets it, if you will.  ABC learned this the hard way by putting their execrable Charlie's Angels remake in this slot...and I fear that this time, it won't be a lack of quality that puts the kibosh down.  I want this to succeed; in fact, if I may be formal about it now...
MY VERDICT: ...I NEED this to succeed.  Let's face it.  Nothing's ever going to beat The Big Bang Theory (and starting this season, Two and a Half Men at 8:30)...but after January, 30 Rock will be gone and I don't give the slightest damn about Up All Night.  Someone else needs to challenge CBS...and I want it to be THIS.  So, there.

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FRIDAY

8-8:30pm - Last Man Standing

8:30-9pm - MALIBU COUNTRY

9-10pm - Shark Tank

10-11pm - 20/20

MALIBU COUNTRY: So, confession time.  Despite having never (intentionally) seen a single episode, I have a weird affection for Reba.  Part of it is my nostalgic adoration for pretty much everything that was on The WB before they closed their proverbial doors in 2006.  The other part...is Reba herself.  As I mentioned in the Nashville blurb above, I was raised on country music and culture in the early '90s.  Something I have always appreciated about the Queen of Country (as she is often touted) is the fact that despite her genre, she never fell into any of the ugly conservatism of many of her contemporaries.  In music, she gave us (and continues to give us) memorable feel-good tracks that often tell the same kinds of stories that have defined the Country genre forever...without putting any boots in any asses because it's allegedly "the American way".  (CHRIST, I hate Toby Keith...as should anyone of even the remotest intelligence.)  In acting, she kept a meager but AWESOME resumé with turns in the classic Tremors and one of my childhood favorites, The Little Rascals.  Reba transcended genre, medium and region and became one of the most recognizable faces in entertainment.  I'm frankly glad to have her back on television.  Is this show almost EXACTLY the same as her previous sitcom?--Absolutely; but...
MY VERDICT: ...I'm in for a number of reasons.  For one, there's a lot of talk that the moving of Last Man Standing to Friday nights to join this show is ABC testing the waters for the possible return of everyone's favorite '80s and '90s television staple: TGIF.  For another, I don't care if her dialogue consists of nothing but Southern clichés and cantankerous grumbles, I trust the great Lily Tomlin to entertain me as she has my whole life.  Also, Sara Rue = SWOON.  This show feels like comfort food; nay, (at the risk of getting too lyrical) it feels like home.

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SATURDAY

8-11:30pm - Saturday Night College Football

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SUNDAY

7-8pm - America's Funniest Home Videos

8-9pm - Once Upon a Time

9-10pm - Revenge

10-11pm - 666 PARK AVENUE

666 PARK AVENUE: ...or as I like to call it, JOHN LOCKE IS THE FREAKING DEVIL.  Screw my verdict.  I've been sold on this show from the moment I heard about it.  Of all the great things to come out of the existence of Lost, there have been few better than America's true discovery of the greatness that is Terry O'Quinn.  He'd always been a capable actor, but his role as--arguably--The Island's most fascinating castaway was a gift from the entertainment gods...and netted him a fair number of accolades, as well.  Now, admittedly, some of the literature regarding this show has been a bit confusing.  In some synopses, it's described as a straight-up supernatural nighttime soap; like a sophisticated Supernatural, if you will.  In others, it's described as an anthology series, in which we watch as new occupants shuffle in and out of The Drake each week, each having a new spooky encounter with our follicle-challenged star.  Either way...
MY VERDICT: ...umm...yeah.  I'M IN.  ABC made a fantastic decision when they opted against renewing the execrable GCB and continuing the tradition of Sunday nights full of poorly-written, conniving excuses for alleged "strong female characters".  (I know strong women, and none of them have ever resembled characters on GCB or the now-concluded Desperate Housewives.)  Instead, now it's a night of ACTUAL strong women (Sheriff Emma Swan, Emily Thorne, etc.) and delicious nighttime intrigue.  I love when I can tune into a network and just LEAVE IT.  Thanks, ABC.  You've got me every Sunday.

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MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD)

MISTRESSES: Oops.  I do believe I spoke too soon.  Wow, not only did we take a MASSIVE step back in terms of positive characterization, we also watched a Lost cast member NOT build on the goodwill left over from that show.  All I ask is that IF this show makes it to well-promoted air, KEEP IT OFF SUNDAY NIGHTS, ABC.  You just cleaned out the trash.  Don't put it right back.
MY VERDICT: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lana Kane.

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RED WIDOW: I say this with as little snark as I can: why would anyone watch this?  I'm not saying it looks bad (it really doesn't), but what about this story with this cast of relatively no-name actors (save for Anson Mount of AMC's Hell on Wheels, basically cameoing as the murdered husband here) does ABC think is going to make anyone make a point of tuning in?  Better yet, in what universe does telling us that an allegedly serious drama is written by the screenwriters of the Twilight films make anything attractive?--Even Twilight fans would probably be turned off by the disconnect.  The truth of the matter is, this is just a REALLY poorly-conceived trailer.  Reading the official press release tells a much better story about this show's appeal.  (Yes, our heroine--played by Silent Hill's Radha Mitchell--will seek revenge against the Russian mobsters who killed her husband in probably deliciously violent ways.)  However, let's face it.  This trailer is going to be how most people get wind that this show exists...and when that's all they're given...they and, indeed, I will conclude...
MY VERDICT: ...I'm just...really not motivated to watch this.  Where some networks have given us practically ENTIRE pilots in their trailers, this tells us nothing further than the fact that Anson Mount's character will be killed and Radha Mitchell will be sad about that.  If there were the slightest suggestion that our titular Red Widow were going to take that sadness and turn it into a bloody cavalcade of vengeful rage...maybe I'd be in...but as it stands, that's not the show they sold us, and so, the answer is nyet.  (See what I did there?--Because they're Russian...yeah, never mind.)

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ZERO HOUR: So, before I can even begin to evaluate, obviously I need to explain the absence of an embedded trailer.  This is a weird one.  Over the past two days, I've been watching the trailers, one by one.  In the related videos of many of the previews you've just seen was the trailer for Zero Hour.  As of this morning, ABC has not removed the trailer exactly; but rather, they've made it PRIVATE.  (WHAT?!)  Fortunately, someone on YouTube still has a public copy floating around, BUT(!) it's not embeddable, so I invite you to click this link and--unless they've taken it down by the time you read this--watch the trailer for (this is where the blurb really begins) the second-most intriguing new drama series on ABC.  Now, I've never read Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code or Angels and Demons, nor have I seen either of the Ron Howard film adaptations.  Frankly, by the time I was made aware of those books, I had been made a little TOO aware.  I've never been one to do something just because I'm told to, and this rings true in entertainment just as it does in life.  However, at root,  I do enjoy a good archaeological conspiracy.  (We all do, obviously.  The Indiana Jones franchise certainly shows that.)  So already, I'm intrigued.  Also intriguing: since when is Anthony Edwards so damned charming?  I remember--in my limited experience of ER--always finding him an infinitely boring performer.  (Before anyone asks, I've never seen Revenge of the Nerds and I haven't seen Top Gun since I was roughly...three years old.)  Here, I'm immediately ready to go on this crazy adventure with him.  Sure, some of the dialogue is stilted, and telling us a serious drama comes from the people who brought us the  Transformers and G.I. Joe movies (which I do have an affection for, but still) doesn't exactly inspire confidence...but if you aren't in by the time the baby opens its eyes...or THAT LAST SHOT...I don't know what to tell you...other than...

MY VERDICT: ...take me on a quest, Goose...and seriously, ABC...why so stingy with the trailer all of a sudden?  You do realize by taking it away, you're only making me want it more...or was that your plan all along?--Pretty sneaky, ABC.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

(Seriously, if that trailer disappears, someone let me know and I'll find another copy ASAP.)

So, after the largest selection of new show trailers yet, how are we feeling about ABC?--Let's talk genre.

COMEDY!  It's a pretty sad state of affairs when the most promising laffer on your slate is basically a rehash of a previous series starring a Country music singer...but that is, indeed, the case.  After a solid run of respectable hits and successes, ABC took a steep nosedive this year.  Unless they've got something AMAZING planned for 2013-2014, I can't imagine that they aren't aware of the pure FILLER they've just given us.  Cling tightly to the comedies you already love, everybody (and that includes Cougar Town, which escapes to TBS this season).  They're the only thing actually funny in all this.

DRAMA!  Here's where ABC fared MUCH better.  If we can ignore the utter tripe that is Mistresses and the forgettableness of Red Widow, this network has given us a slate full of ways to build on the goodwill they accrued last year with Revenge and Once Upon a Time.  Last Resort looks gripping as all-get-out-of-international-waters-and-seek-refuge-on-the-Lost-island.  Nashville...I'm still VERY conflicted.  (I'm going to watch that show.)  666 Park Avenue...Devil Locke; alls I'm sayin'.  ...and of course, the mysterious conundrum that is Zero Hour.  The point is, if you've got an hour to spare this season, ABC's got some very promising ways to fill it.

...and so goes ABC.  It may be the most mixed bag we've seen so far, but it was a hell of a ride and should prove even more so once those premiere dates start rolling in.

I'll return soon with my look at CBS and its ginger-haired stepsister The CW.

Until then, another reason to appreciate Reba (or rather, "Reba").

DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!

The Fall of Broadcast Television 2012: FOX

Welcome back to "Entertainment on Jeff's Terms", folks.

Well, I think I've sufficiently recovered from the horrors of NBC's new fall line-up and with that out of the way, the rest of my 2012 Network Coverage should go much faster and smoother. (Kind of like...[insert your own punchline].)

Today, I move on to the 2012-2013 offerings from the one-time target of countless meta jokes on The Simpsons to presently America's #3 (or #2, on occasion; not a poop joke, unless you want it to be) network, FOX.

As always, new series are denoted by ALL CAPS, and schedule changes for returning series are indicated with italics. Let's dance, Murdoch.

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MONDAY

8-9pm - Bones

9-10pm - THE MOB DOCTOR

THE MOB DOCTOR:  Already, I'm feeling better about FOX than I did about NBC.  (You'd pretty much have to.)  However, the thing is...I've never really had any interest in medical dramas.  This is no slight to this show which looks competent and compelling, but I just never got into them.  I backhandedly watched the first few seasons of ER with my mother back in the day, but eventually, I found my own things to do on a Thursday night at 10, and it didn't matter anymore.  (That being said, the second season episode entitled "Hell or High Water" remains one of the finest hours of television drama I've ever seen.)  So, for the purposes of thoroughness and in the interest of those of you who are intrigued, let me say that I like the cast.  Jordana Spiro.  You can't see it, but I'm swooning.  William Forsythe has proven time and time again that he's one of our finest television character actors (and, not to be a spoiler but, if he isn't Spiro's character's father, I'll eat my hat).  I'm always glad to see Michael Rappaport (uncredited here) in dramatic roles.  He's a great comedian and comedic actor, but his thick accent and urban aura lend SO WELL to playing gruff characters and, as we see here, inscrutable heavies.  I like the premise, as well.  While I'm sure it'll be more of a medical procedural than this trailer lets on, the fact that the dangers of our heroine's ties to the Chicago mob are always waiting in the wings will surely provide some great tension.  In short...
MY VERDICT: ...it's not necessarily for me, but I think people will enjoy it, and for good reason.  I won't deny that its timeslot is a bit concerning.  (CBS owns Monday nights from 9-10.  Sad fact, but a fact nonetheless.)  However, with the right promotion--and FOX has probably the best marketing department of the five networks--this could be a sleeper hit.  Good luck, PJ.

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TUESDAY

8-8:30pm - Raising Hope

8:30-9pm - BEN AND KATE

9-9:30pm - New Girl

9:30-10pm - THE MINDY PROJECT

BEN AND KATE: So...yeah...remember that thing I said up there about FOX having quite possibly the best marketing department of the big five networks?--I may need to take that back, because they just showed us THE ENTIRE PILOT of Ben and Kate.  That being said...that was RIDICULOUSLY charming.  Going on the vague inklings of the premise I'd heard about in weeks prior, I pretty handily dismissed this show as something wildly generic and easily cancelable.  Now, I kind of can't wait to see what wacky shenanigans these characters get into next.  I'm a sucker for a story about families sticking together, and this is no exception.  Also, glad to finally put a face (that being the face of a person I'd spent the past few years referring to as "the poor man's Owen Wilson") to the name Nat Faxon (Ben); fresh off his Academy Award for co-writing The Descendants.  Toss in some genuine laughs throughout and Lucy Punch (who I've been actively swooning over for about a year now) as Kate's British bartender friend (the three straws almost slayed me), and I'm...oop, hold on.
MY VERDICT: I'm SO in.  FOX is really stepping up the plate with great comedies lately, and this seems to follow that trend.  Thus far, I have nothing pressing to watch on Tuesday nights at 8:30, so this should be a great lead-in to--one of my favorites--New Girl.

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THE MINDY PROJECT: Gee...can you tell The Office is about to end?  (Done with the snark.)  Allow me to double down on my noting FOX's slate of great new comedies.  We all already know Mindy Kaling writes some funny, funny television...now we know she can carry a show, as well.  I'm officially in love with FOX's Tuesday night line-up (the overrated Raising Hope notwithstanding).  Not only are they giving us 3 great comedies in a row, but they're all led by strong female characters.  That none of the other networks are even coming close to this is archaic and honestly, kind of offensive.  ...I really have nothing further to say.  The show speaks for itself.  As for me...
MY VERDICT:  ...again...SO in.  I love television (obviously).  However, I REALLY love television when it can give me something to look forward to every day of the week.  USA's got me covered for Mondays.  Now, with this, New Girl, and Ben and Kate, I feel secure knowing I've got a full Tuesday night of laughs coming my way.  In short, Jeff is happy.  Well done, FOX.

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WEDNESDAY

(Fall)

8-10pm - The X Factor

(Spring)

8-10pm - American Idol

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THURSDAY

(Fall)

8-9pm - The X Factor Results Show

9-10pm - Glee

(Spring)

8-9pm - American Idol Results Show

9-10pm - Glee

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FRIDAY

8-9pm - Touch

9-10pm - Fringe

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SATURDAY

7-10:30pm - FOX Sports Saturday

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SUNDAY

7:30-8pm - The Cleveland Show

8-8:30pm - The Simpsons

8:30-9pm - Bob's Burgers

9-9:30pm - Family Guy

9:30-10pm - American Dad!

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MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD)

THE FOLLOWING: (Again.  Another condensed pilot.  Jeesh.)  This looks slightly less involving than it was originally pitched to me.  When word of this series was first making the rounds, it was described as an interactive series in which our killer (played by the ever-underrated James Purefoy) would recruit viewers to be his "disciples" (sans the actual killing) in an unheardof ongoing, series-long viral campaign.  Now, that's been scrapped and we have this.  That's not to say it doesn't have a lot going for it.  This comes to us from Kevin Williamson who, for better or worse, has given us a lot of varyingly enjoyable works over the last 20 years (the Scream franchise, Dawson's Creek, The Vampire Diaries, etc.) and it's intriguing to see him mature, in a way.  Indeed, it's also worth some attention for being Kevin Bacon's first stab at full-time television work.  ("He's a big star.  He has a game named after him." -- Jerry O'Connell on an episode of Doug Loves Movies)  So, if for nothing else, for giving us a few more degrees for our games...
MY VERDICT: ...I might watch this.  I don't know why, but I just can't commit to anything more solid than a "might".  It's starting to become abundantly clear that I have somewhat specific tastes in television, and clearly, that doesn't include procedurals of any kind.  However, if this delivers on the promise of a wide, overarching story...things could change.  Although...one last thing...if the placement of the VERY jarring last line of this trailer is meant to imply that's the killer's motivation for ALL of his crimes...they may have just lost me.  Am I alone on that one?

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THE GOODWIN GAMES: Well, I guess there had to be one out-and-out dud in there, didn't there?  There are countless reasons why this won't work; I suppose I'll start with the most obvious.  There is ZERO flexibility to this premise, which isn't surprising when we're told this comes to us from the creators of How I Met Your Mother.  HIMYM--with all due respect--has already stretched its own premise pretty damned thin, but in its defense, it's all leading to a single, definitive answer.  This however...I mean, what are we going to do?  Are these people going to play futile game after futile game each week in pursuit of their inheritances?  Why should we care?  It's not that I don't think there won't be laughs to be had.  (HIMYM has proven itself a humorous affair many times over.)  It's just that I don't see how this goes any longer than a single season.  It breaks my heart to see creative minds pigeonhole themselves, and that's exactly what's happened here.
MY VERDICT: I won't seek this out, but I'm sure it'll end up on Tuesday nights with the rest of FOX's live-action comedies, so I'll likely see the pilot.  If nothing else, I'll get to swoon over Becki Newton for 22 minutes, but barring a huge miracle, I doubt I--or the rest of America--will bother investing themselves too deeply in this...but I've been proven wrong before.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

Take note, NBC.  THAT is how you program a network.

Let's get right to it.

COMEDY!  Of the actual Fall offerings, FOX has scored big time.  Twenty--hell, even ten--years ago, would any of us have ever believed the network that brought us that ever-so-long list of cancelled attempts at quality television would currently be trouncing the home of Seinfeld, Friends and Cheers?  There's nothing more to say than "WELL DONE, FOX."

On the DRAMA side...well, all we've got in the fall is The Mob Doctor.  As I've said, the timeslot is worrisome, but the show looks solid. Again, "WELL DONE, FOX."

Seriously.  I have no complaints.  You'd think me disappointed, not being able to expand upon things further, but after the horrors that were NBC's fall line-up, I'll take impressed silence with a smile.

...and that'll do it for FOX.  Join me next time for a look at what the Walt Disney corporation is worth our eyes when I take a look at ABC.

Until then...great story. Compelling and rich.

...MEEP MEEP!

The Fall of Broadcast Television 2012: NBC

Let's just get it out of the way.

There was a thing called "Class Act".  It was a byproduct of one of the bigger misfires in my life.  I went back to college, seeking purpose.  What I found was a depression so severe, only my fear of death kept me from ending it all.  (You think I'm joking?--I'M NOT.)  I got out of there, post-haste...and we'll speak no more about it.

Also, I reviewed the pilot of NBC's Smash.  So, yeah.  That happened.

Let's move on, shall we?

That time of year has arrived once again.  It's the second week of May, so it's time to take a look at what the broadcast networks have brought to the table at this year's Upfront Presentations.

Now, to make it easier on myself, I won't be committing to a strict schedule of posts this year.  While consistency and routine are good for me emotionally, the fact is, the networks are being BEYOND stingy and/or slow with the information so far.  To wit, the subject of today's edition (NBC) has yet to have posted full-length trailers for all of its SIXTEEN new offerings, despite their upfront taking place well over 72 hours ago.  As such, in the case of most midseason offerings, I'll be presenting you with preview clips instead.

(Did I really need to say all that?)

So, enough jibber-jabber.  Let's get Upfront-y, yo.  We begin, as I said, with the new selections from everyone's favorite slowly-dying poultry-themed network: NBC.

NOTE: As was the case last year, new shows will be listed in ALL CAPS; while schedule changes for returning series will be denoted by italics.

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MONDAY

8-10pm - The Voice

10-11pm - REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION: So, fair warning.  I'm about to spoil the ending of John Carpenter's underrated 1997 sequel, Escape from L.A..  Kurt Russell's classic antihero Snake Plissken, having rescued the psycho-Christian U.S. president's daughter from the clutches of a would-be post-apocalyptic Che Guevara named Cuervo Jones (Let me repeat that: CUERVO. JONES.  If you aren't seeking the movie out already, I don't know what to say to you.), presses the button on a doomsday device that deactivates every electronic device on Earth; ostensibly creating a new Dark Ages.  In lieu of Carpenter's long-teased but unlikely-to-ever-be-realized third film in that series (tentatively titled Escape from Earth), I guess we have this to tell us what would happen next...and apparently, it's a combination of The Hunger Games, Deadwood and The History Channel's Life After People.  I don't know why, but I get the feeling this show is going to be one hell of a pilot (directed by Jon Favreau) followed by a lot of less and less impressive time-killing before a too-late game-changing finale that will be seen by a laughable fraction of the pilot audience, before it goes to that great TV mega-network in the sky.  Following high-concept disappointments like last season's Terra Nova on FOX and--yes, it pains me to say this--NBC's soon-to-be-no-more Awake, you'll have to forgive me if I'm incredibly gunshy...and before anyone throws the J.J. Abrams card at me...one word: ALCATRAZ. 'Nuff said.
MY VERDICT: I'm a sucker for a post-apocalyptic tale, so I'll certainly watch the pilot, but unless the show makes with the answers (that inevitably only lead to further questions, a la Lost) EACH WEEK, I can already feel myself checking out by roughly week 3...and I won't lie.  The Bella/Jacob vibe I'm getting from our female lead and her would-be love interest...BIG TURNOFF.  Nice to see Zak Orth, though.  (He's the portly bearded fellow, destined to be our comic relief.)  We shall see, Revolution. WE SHALL SEE.

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TUESDAY

8-9pm - The Voice

9-9:30pm - GO ON

9:30-10pm - THE NEW NORMAL

10-11pm - Parenthood

GO ON: Poor Matthew Perry.  He's easily one of the most charming and talented guys in the business, and unquestionably the most likable person from the Friends cast...and yet, he seems doomed to fail anywhere else.  (Not entirely true. The Whole Nine Yards and Fools Rush In are delightful pieces of cinema. No kidding.)  Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.  Mr. Sunshine...and now this.  I want so much for this man to have some post-Chandler Bing success, but this...this isn't going to cut it.  Even he seems to be trying too hard here.  To be fair though, so is the show around him.  (He does a sports radio show! So he's making his groupmates compete via a tournament bracket! Isn't that HI-LARIOUS?! ...No...just...no.)  Now, there are admittedly some bright spots to be found.  That's the wonderful alt-comedian Brett Gelman (of Adult Swim's Eagleheart) as the bearded fellow moving just a little too close to Mr. Perry and of course the great Bill Cobbs (a.k.a. the poor man's Morgan Freeman) as the man who wins his first-round bout via blindness.  Hell, I'm even glad to see Laura Benanti, fresh from her role as The Playboy Club's Betty Draper/Joan Harris equivalent, as the group's leader/our presumable love interest. In short...
MY VERDICT: I will proceed with caution. Out of my sheer want to see Matthew Perry back on top, I'll certainly watch the pilot...and truth is, if we can get past the hackiness of it all, this gave me a real Season 1 of Community (READ: the only good season of that show) vibe, so with some fingers crossed and high hopes that it won't devolve into Meet the Spartans: The Series (READ: Season 2 of Community onward)...I bid you good luck, Matt.

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THE NEW NORMAL: Right off the bat...it's TWENTY-FUCKING-TWELVE (a phrase--sans the FUCKING--they've used in every piece of literature related to this show AND THE TRAILER ITSELF, if you can believe it/as you've just seen).  Are we REALLY still using Christopher Otcasek's "Real Wild Child" unironically?--Ugh...and it just kind of gets worse from there.  Why does every Ryan Murphy creation on broadcast network television have to be so unwatchably insipid?  (On the cable side, I've never seen Nip/Tuck, but American Horror Story is just the right level of batshit that I watched last season, laughing all the way.)  I don't know what bothers me more.  The racial and sexuality stereotypes on display here verge on minstrelsy, it's so damned insulting.  Not to mention how ABUNDANTLY clear that Murphy is going to pull from the Glee Season 1 playbook and have our heroine falsely claim to be pregnant after seeing that home test, leading to weeks of awkward double-dealings that could be EASILY REMEDIED by just TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH FROM THE START. Do I have to even say it?
MY VERDICT: FUCK.  YOU.  RYAN MURPHY...and before ANYONE--and hell, that could include the notoriously oversensitive Murphy himself--tries to play the "You're too conservative" card, know that this is coming from someone who spent the better part of last week in a near-catatonic state of sadness following his home state's decision to put homophobia into its constitution, so again, FUCK YOU.

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WEDNESDAY

8-8:30pm - ANIMAL PRACTICE

8:30-9pm - GUYS WITH KIDS

9pm-10pm - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

10-11pm - CHICAGO FIRE

ANIMAL PRACTICE: ...You're joking, right?  You have to be.  Either this is just a poorly-constructed trailer or the genuine implication of this show is if--essentially--Adult Swim's Children's Hospital was meant to be taken 100% seriously.  Now, maybe it's just because I'm not an animal person. (I've recently finally come clean about my utter detest for hardcore, overly obsessive, high-pitched voice gibberish-speaking "dog people".)  Although, I really, truly doubt that's the case.  In addition, I've never seen a single episode of Weeds, so you'll forgive me if the presence of its Justin Kirk as our lead isn't doing anything for me, let alone people I actually know and enjoy (Upright Citizens Brigade co-founder Matt Walsh, MadTV alum Bobby Lee and Reaper's Tyler "Sock" Labine).  Like...I don't even know how to fully snark at this.  Its mere existence is THAT flabbergasting.
MY VERDICT: I'm just going to...quietly back away. I...just...wow.

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GUYS WITH KIDS: So...full disclosure.  As was also the case last year, I write these blurbs one by one, trailer by trailer.  I come into these with completely fresh eyes.  So, that being said...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, NBC?  You're aware you're dying, right?  Like, the idea of you sinking below The CW in the ratings is actually 100% POSSIBLE.  This is not the time to be fucking around, or worse, giving us concepts that would have been derisively laughed off of our television screens twenty years ago, let alone ten.  Now, let me stop right here and make something known: I have ZERO problem with multi-camera, quote-unquote "laugh track" sitcoms.  I grew up on them.  Yes, single-camera sitcoms have shown themselves to be, in many ways, superior over the last few years...but there's a reason why the multi-camera format thrived for almost a century before...but I Love Lucy, All in the Family, Newhart, The Golden Girls, etc....this isn't.  Also, as much as I love what he's done with Late Night, tossing Jimmy Fallon's name around still doesn't entirely inspire confidence for hearty laughs. (What's more, it actually kind of proves who's really pulling the weight when it comes to comedic ideas on that show...and SPOILER ALERT: it's not the guy who's hosting the thing.)  In short...
MY VERDICT: Shall I just start writing NBC's obituary now?  After this coming season, they're losing 30 Rock, The Office, and--yes, God help me but it did used to be not awful--Community.  This is their last new comedy offering until midseason, and unless those are MIND-BLOWINGLY GOOD...I don't think they've made the best choices for the proverbial "new guard".  Once again, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, NBC?

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CHICAGO FIRE: I'm not going to mince words.  I have some issues with firefighters.  I come from a town where the vast majority of the fire and rescue recruits of the last eleven years are redneck date rapists who took the job so they could toss around the phrase "nine-eleven" to curry cheap respect/sympathy anytime one of their many victims actually came forward with allegations.  (I wish I was kidding.  I truly, truly do.)  Even beyond that though, what maudlin, overly grandiose garbage this looks to be.  There are many reasons why Dick Wolf's Law & Order spinoff Conviction failed back in the spring of 2006.  Poor timeslot, bad juju left over from the failure of Law & Order: Trial By Jury, (on a more personal note) killing off Elias "Casey Jones" Koteas IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES...but the biggest was how blatant it was that Mr. Wolf just can't write personal stories.  He can tell one hell of a procedural story, as we've all seen for the past 20+ years...but when it comes to the deeper lives of his characters, he falls into soapy, unrealistic characterizations every time.  This looks to be no exception.  Right now, below this video's placement on YouTube, there are countless internet trolls incorrectly lambasting it as a "Rescue Me ripoff".  That's not the problem (nor is it remotely accurate beyond the fact that, yes, this is a show about a fire department).  It's that every single beat in this trailer comes off like a parody of emergency rescue dramas.  The pounding music.  The super-green newbie whose misadventures provide plenty of laughs for his colleagues (but will inevitably provide the show's most poignant rescue).  The "tough" female characters whose only indication of said "toughness" is that they act like their male counterparts.  (If you know me, you know I love a strong female character.  These are a joke.)  The dead colleague whose demise has caused a rift between two former best friends.  It's all there...and it's all BEYOND overdone; much like this blurb, so...
MY VERDICT:  Nice try, Mr. Wolf...but also not.

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THURSDAY

8-8:30pm - 30 Rock

8:30-9pm - Up All Night

9-9:30pm - The Office

9:30-10pm - Parks and Recreation

10-11pm - Rock Center with Brian Williams

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FRIDAY

8-8:30pm - Whitney

8:30-9pm - Community

9-10pm - Grimm

10-11pm - Dateline NBC

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SATURDAY

8-11pm - Movies/Encores

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SUNDAY

(Fall)

7-8:15pm - Football Night in America

8:15-11:30pm - NBC Sunday Night Football

(Spring)

7-8pm - Dateline NBC

8-9pm - Fashion Star

9-10pm - The Celebrity Apprentice

10-11pm - DO NO HARM

DO NO HARM: Now...that's more like it, NBC!  I'd heard talk there was an American version of BBC's Jekyll in the works, and while I'm not 100% sure this is the same project, I'm still the most intrigued I've been by one of the Peacock's new offerings yet.  Forgive the technical issues in these clips (clearly pulled from an early pilot presentation), and just imagine the possibilities.  As ABC's Revenge proved last season, modern takes on classic literature are kind of in right now, and when done well (like Revenge), they can breathe new life into a network's slate with hardly any effort. (CBS--although admittedly not exactly hurting for success--is banking on the same with their sort-of-but-not-really-but-probably-kind-of take on Steven Moffat's current BBC hit Sherlock, entitled Elementary, which I'll obviously be previewing later this week.)  Now...I'd be remiss if I didn't address the elephant in the room; an elephant named My Own Worst Enemy.  While not exactly a Jekyll and Hyde story, this network's previous attempt at a multiple-personality drama (starring modern day go-to show killer Christan Slater...poor bastard) failed quickly a few seasons back.  Placing this in January and on their second-lowest-rated night of programming could prove a grave error. In the meantime...
MY VERDICT: ...I look forward to seeing more about this show.  In this, I'm already seeing the mistake NBC has made by not giving us full trailers for their midseason offerings (yet).  These clips suggest something intriguing, but I want to know just HOW BAD the Hyde of our story (named Ian Price to our Jekyll, Dr. Jason Cole...yeah, I know...Dr. J. Cole...they think they're cute) really is.  What does he do when he's let out on the prowl?  An interview with the show's star Stephen Pasquale suggests something just a sinister notch above a devious, smooth-talking playboy...but hopefully there's something more.  Keep me apprised, NBC.

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MIDSEASON (Timeslots TBD)

SAVE ME: Hey, kids!  Hankering for a wacky new sitcom starring beloved Hollywood nutlog Anne Heche?--Me, neither.  Casting aside though, aren't we--as a television-viewing public--past the gimmick comedy?  I mean no disrespect to them.  I grew up on them.  (Hell, there was a season where they comprised 3/4 of TGIF on ABC.)  However, as I've said...it's 2012.  Now admittedly, I'm sure they'll keep the divine presence on this show to Heche's ramblings, but still, this is the stuff of Sunday nights on Lifetime; not a weeknight on a broadcast network desperate for success.  It's a proven fact; the more focused on a single concept a show is, the more limited its range of storytelling.  (Bill Lawrence figured that out roughly a third of the way through Cougar Town's first season, and--title notwithstanding--broadened that show into one of the best comedies on television.)  So, unless America is REALLY dying for a comedic equivalent of Joan of Arcadia (and I don't think they are), let's just go ahead and try to forget this is happening.
MY VERDICT: Not even on my radar. This is this season's Bent, or I'll eat my hat. (DISCLAIMER: For health reasons, my hat is made of Fruit Roll-Ups.)

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1600 PENN: I won't lie to you. That first clip up there made me laugh out loud a number of times...and then the Secret Service (and the show's concept itself) rolled up and ruined everything.  I like Josh Gad.  He was a hoot on FOX's wrongfully-retooled-then-rightfully-cancelled Back to You back in 2007, and followed that up with enjoyable turns in the massively underappreciated Rainn Wilson vehicle The Rocker and of course as a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  (I won't comment on his recent acclaimed run on Broadway's The Book of Mormon, as I live quite a ways away from New York and have never heard a single song or line of dialogue from it.)  The fact is, if this was a Revenge of the Nerds type show where Gad and his buddies try to survive college life one prank at a a time...it might be bearable-to-enjoyable.  As it is however, it's a strained high-concept comedy in which he's the bumbling screw-up son of the Commander in Chief (Bill Pullman, as ever, our resident fictional president).  Not to mention, NBC's own literature about the show describes it as "The West Wing meets Modern Family".  So, already...
MY VERDICT: ...I'm out.  While I'm never not glad to see Bill Pullman working (and particularly in such a positive role following his grim turn as a pedophile/murderer on the most recent season of Torchwood), I don't see myself tuning into a fictional White House for laughs; even beyond the fact that what's happening in the real political world is EVERYTHING BUT funny.

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NEXT CALLER: Where do I begin?  I guess I'll start by sort of spoiling my verdict with the following admission/statement/beg for forgiveness: I'm going to watch this show.  I'm really sorry, but I'm going to.  In a conversation with an acquaintance earlier this week, we commiserated about our inability to stop wishing for a return to the Dane Cook of old.  We're both fully aware of not only why people have come to pretty heartily despise him, but also that we mostly agree with them...and yet...we can't let him go.  For me, I think it's because--and call this sad if you must--Dane was sort of my way into stand-up.  We're talking 1999, I had just gotten Comedy Central on my local cable provider and the first new thing I saw was the premiere of his Comedy Central Presents special.  I immediately loved him.  He was wild, he was loud, and more than anything, he was ungodly charming.  When his first album Harmful If Swallowed was released to a mass audience in 2004, I scooped it up at the local Best Buy immediately.  (In my defense, around the same time was when I discovered the unquestionably superior Patton Oswalt and my TRUE love of stand-up kicked into high gear.)  Same goes for his follow-up (Retaliation) in 2005.  I still recall driving around my college town with friends, laughing hysterically at his "run-in at 'The Wall'" or his trip to "The BK Lounge" for a "chicken sang-wich" (a phrase I still find myself using at Burger King to this day, in spite of myself).  As most people would probably agree, the downfall sort of started with Employee of the Month, his first big starring movie role back in October of 2006.  (FULL DISCLOSURE: I actually kind of love that film.  To be fair though, it could just be because of the great memory attached to the first time I saw it.)  While the movie wasn't exactly a huge success, it put him so large on the American consciousness that by the time his first HBO special hit...the hate started rolling in in droves.  Since then, it's been a string of ever-worsening movies (although, as much as I hated this movie, I have to give him props for his dramatic turn in 2007's Mr. Brooks), constant stories of his dreadful on-stage behavior, and never-ending (and I will never stop arguing, incorrect; even his biggest alleged "victim" Louis C.K. agrees they're horseshit) accusations of joke thievery.  In short, the man's reputation couldn't be any lower...and yet, the weird thing is...that could actually be this show's saving grace.  As I mentioned in my review of last season's wrongfully reviled (and thankfully renewed) Whitney, sitcoms headlined by comedians who are either not yet household names or are on the decline have a far better chance at quality and survival than those led by THE comedian of the time.  Toss in a leading lady I just adore in Collette Wolfe (anyone involved with Observe and Report has my undying affection) and another randomly cast Jeffrey Tambor (sometimes I think he attaches himself to easily-cancelled midseason comedies just to have something to do until they start production of Season 4 of Arrested Development for Netflix), and I really think--if nothing else--this won't be AS BAD as the countless snarky commenters are declaring on message boards across the web right now.  In fact...
MY VERDICT: ...I think it could be even better.  It's weird.  Watching these clips and reliving these memories as I wrote this blurb...I started to feel really warm and nostalgic inside.  Perhaps Dane Cook is a sort of comfort food; a reminder of the better times in my life.  Who knows?--The same could ring true for a lot of people and that could spell success.  We all know NBC could use some.

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INFAMOUS: So, I'll save the internet the trouble of saying it. "So...it's just... Black Revenge?".  Questionable taste/racism in that statement aside, it's not wrong.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (or so I've been told), and in NBC's case, it's also transparently desperate.  You know, I don't know why now is the moment I'm realizing this...but let's face it, midseason shows on NBC have about as much chance of survival as a Spinal Tap drummer.  (Yeah, I stole that from Buffy. Wanna fight about it?)  In addition, it doesn't matter how many shows have thrown Victor Garber at me post-Alias, none of them have gone past--in the case of Eli Stone--a carelessly tossed-aside second season before their demise.  I love me some Jack Bristow, but if his presence hasn't saved anything since, this will be no exception.  Maybe I'm biased because of how much I love Revenge (and GOD, do I LOVE REVENGE), but maybe there were other more untapped wells of ideas they could have pulled from.
MY VERDICT: I genuinely don't expect to see this on my screen--if at all--until a quick burnoff next summer, and even so, my interest is pretty damned low.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

I'll have you know it took me three days to write that.

Not because I was busy (although, I sort of was), but because my heart couldn't take the pain of watching NBC destroy itself.  Honestly, what a depressing slate of new product; and worse, yet again, we find them swapping the shows that should be slowly killed in midseason for the things that ACTUALLY HAVE POTENTIAL, and vice versa.

...but enough of the sadness (at least for the remainder of this sentence), and let's speak a bit in generalities.

First up: comedy. ...Yikes.  I suppose, of the shows NBC's heading into battle with, Go On could be worse.  Indeed, it could be ALL THE REST of their Fall comedies.  Seriously, with every next trailer, I felt my heart breaking just a little bit more. That The New Normal, Animal Practice, or Guys with Kids made it past the development stage is based solely on goodwill from those involved.  Ryan Murphy makes hit shows (sort of).  Justin Kirk is enjoyable on Weeds (from what I understand).  Jimmy Fallon is a great late-night talk show host. ...None of these things however, are reason enough for subjecting us to SO MUCH AWFUL.  That I'm pinning my hopes for NBC's comedy future on a midseason offering starring a downtrodden Dane Cook speaks VOLUMES about how much wrong this network is doing.  

...which leads us to DRAMA, where the better decisions lie.  Revolution does have some promise hidden in all the wince-inducing similarities to certain unspeakably awful tween book/movie franchises right now.  Even Chicago Fire could shake loose its clichés and become something great (but that's a HUGE maybe).  Do No Harm could be fun, but its midseason placement concerns me. The less said about Infamous, the better and the more accurate to how little will actually end up being said. (SNIP-SNAP!)  Plus, let's not forget that the watchable-to-enjoyable Smash will be returning at some point and Bryan Fuller's semi-intriguing Hannibal Lecter series is coming somewhere down the line.  It's not a lot of hope...but it's some.

(Only now did I realize that their weird dramatic reboot of The Munsters didn't make the cut.  Shame.  I was actually looking forward to it being a guilty pleasure.  At the very least, Eddie Izzard would have been fun as Grandpa.)

...and that's that for NBC. I sincerely apologize for the delay.  I'm far busier than I thought and, as I said...there were moments where I genuinely HURT from watching those clips.

I shall return decidedly sooner with my look at the new offerings from the once-laughable, now-laudable FOX Network.

Until then, listen all y'all.

...WHAT?!  SOMEBODY SHIT ON THE COATS!  (I'm so sorry.  I was still feeling nostalgic.)